Hi Innordinate...
To each their own, but this is something I've come to learn about myself and it's taken a long time but it's come down to being completely honest with myself and knowing what I value... so, being completely honest with you...
why would anyone want to be involved with someone with PTSD?
I've been in various relationships with a lot of people that have their sort of 'problems'.
I think when it comes to the worse off and the 'romantic' relationships I've been in with PTSD sufferers - part of the connection is truly the emotional connection at first.
I'm a loving, caring, emotional, spiritual, giving person to begin with. What I've seen in my sufferer, and now looking back, a couple other guys I've dated who have had some symptoms (even if not completely diagnosed) of combat PTSD, is this desire to be in love - give love - be loved. This coupled with common interests - small town, politics, religious beliefs, sports, trucks, entrepeneur, creativity, etc. - has given me more pieces I'd want to work with than not. I come from the upbringing that every relationship is work, but it's the friendship and partnership that makes it last. In most cases, the PTSD isn't at the forefront, until this time wasn't even acknowledged, and I usually ended up in over my head before I even realized things weren't going to work.
The reason I know it's not going to work and usually walk away is because in all relationships, you have to learn the communication dance with each other. You have to learn what hurts, what works, what's tolerable, what the pet peeves are... When someone isn't listening to you, or working with you, or compromising with you and forcing YOU to make all the changes for them even when it's hurting you (in this story - me), then it is time to walk away before there is nothing left I recognize of me. And OMG does that take time to build back up!!! (lessons learned ;)
How can you justify it in your head to basically suffer with us? Or make your kids?
I don't think I have made a choice to suffer in this most relationship. My heart goes out to my sufferer but I stay because HE wants to get better. HE wants to make changes. He jokes about it but I know he's not falling consistently behind this cloak of "PTSD" as his excuse. He truly believes he can get better... but it isn't just the PTSD... there are other aspects in his behaviour and lifestyle that need work and those are the 'relationship' pieces and as he wants to work on them, I work with him... I've stepped back and only step forward when he steps forward and I respect his boundaries of PTSD.
As for kids, we can't speak on that because we don't have any... just pets :) (And family members that seem like they are his children at times :eek:) but to be honest, I'm in my early 30s and I don't know if I would even want kids in the future.... because of our age, when he gets better it would be nice to have some genuine 'us' time, and because of the PTSD... who knows. It may be worth the sacrifice, for others it may not be.
God knows. I just believe that everyone deserves the chances and if he wasn't working on it, I wouldn't want to. No offense to him, but no one - not even me - is going to help him except for him. I'd rather be with anyone helping themselves who need a hug or a hand, an ear, a shoulder, or an opinion once in a while to help THEM get through than with someone who doesn't.
QUOTE]What do you get out of it? What's the payback for it?
What are you hoping to get from staying in a relationship with us?
[/QUOTE]
Honestly... nothing. I have become a much better person for MYSELF ... kicked into gear by this relationship. There are a lot of pieces leading up to it but if it wasn't for this person (unknowingly) causing me to realize I was not making the wisest decisions with my life and healing myself from my past wounds, I wouldn't be accomplishing them as we speak. If I can return the favor, which I feel I have been, by being their and inspiring him in return, then him feeling better and accomplishing his goals is all that matters. I know it could still hurt in the end but it's kind of that 'loving something and setting it free' saying. He deserves to feel better. He's a great guy, who's paid the price for doing his duty to not only his country but his family. If he can feel a little better for the rest of his life, then being his inspiration was enough.
One of the hardest things I've been dealing with is how much pain I've caused other people. And continue to and will always no matter how much I don't want to or try not to I always will. I can't give anything useful back.
What the hell is wrong with you people?!
I've come to realize within myself in the last few months that part of this - 'pain you cause everyone else' -
knowing you do this is a great thing and a wonderful awareness for healing.
Unfortunately (and I've been there) people don't realize their part in that pain. They can walk away, they can fight back, they can choose not to tolerate or accept it, and more often than not, they can lay the guilt down on you which is just adding to the guilt you already feel - sometimes just because someone in your past would have made you feel guilty for that action :(
The hardest thing to do is take responsibility for what pain you - believe - you cause and living as true to yourself as possible. If you give this truth, and open yourself to understand certain things that may cause another's pain in order to avoid it
as best as possible, then that's all you can do. The rest is their 50%. The best thing anyone can do is create healthy communication. Find what works best for each other and do that. Be truthful, neutral, to the point. It truly has been a life and relationship savor for us. Not everyone can do it, but as long as your half is all of that, then you have nothing to feel guilty or sorry for. The other is responsible for their 50% which includes how they respond. Taking care of YOU first and doing your best to be open to that understanding is the BEST anyone can do.
That's just my beliefs. That and maybe us all being a little looney just helps the world go round :)
