No More " I Love You" 's?

[KP the nut]

Just out of curiosity, what kind of therapy did you use?

I mainly had EMDR. I'm in England and with the NHS it is a bit of a lottery as do who you end up with. I was so lucky to be assessed by a T who specialises in trauma and is well trained in EMDR.

He mainly used that but on occassions we had sessions where we just talked. He can 'read' me very well and I have total trust in him.

I only have 3 sessions left with him. He has recommended my GP re refers me for further therapy. It may be with a different T within his service. My contract with him was to control PTSD triggered by a car crash, but as happens other issues have come up and it is with these he has recommended extra therapy.

Sorry I've waffled on a bit.

((HUGS))
KP

 

[Angus McGee]

No, feel free to waffle away. I'm very glad the EMDR worked for you. That is what my wife will be using too. And with a specialist. She will be on her own for her treatment. I wished it wasn't the case, but she insisted. Your message has given me hope. Thank you.

 

[Nicolette]

With all due respect, you know nothing about my wife.....There have been things that I've told her I want to see happen, and she has done those things. I just don't talk about it.

With all due respect I never professed to know your wife & clearly stated my opinions were formed from what I read here. If you are after valuable & honest input you may wish to share all the relevant facts IMHO.

Good luck....I hope it works out.

 

[Angus McGee]

I do appreciate the input. However, and I know you've told me this before, setting boundaries, and "laying down the law" as we say in the US will most definitely not work with my wife, in our particular case. I am doing what I believe will work which is patience, prayer, hope and love. I will also respect her wishes. If she makes it known that there are things she needs from me, I'm there 100%. If she asks for my input, absolutely.

Also, if she does tell me things that I believe are negative, harmful, etc. I will make it known how I feel. Ultimately, when it comes to her treatment, her therapy, and even her living arrangements, the choice is hers.

 

[Angus McGee]

I took the day off today. It's turning in to one of those "spilled ice cream" days. Frankly, I'm finding myself at the point where I just can't do this anymore. Maybe part of me is being so supportive of her because I'm afraid of being alone. Today, that seems like more and more of a viable option.

 

[KP the nut]

Frankly, I'm finding myself at the point where I just can't do this anymore. Maybe part of me is being so supportive of her because I'm afraid of being alone..

(((HUGS))) Angus, if you will accept them.

IMHO, you need to do something for you. You need to do what you need to do to preserve your sanity, health and well being. It must be so draining trying to second guess what will make your wife better/worse and what she needs/wants/doesn't need/doesn't want. Be kind to yourself and do something for you.

Even at my worst I couldn't contemplate my H not being with me. I was an utter feelingless robotic b*tch, but I never considered leaving and thank god he didn't leave me. I do know the strain he was under. If I needed him out of the way, I'd go to our bedroom or the computer. I found peace in walking the dogs and cycling

Take care

 

[Angus McGee]

Thanks, KP.

After I wrote that, she and I had a talk. For as much as I want to help her through this, she is insisting on flying solo. Setting boundaries for her won't help, because I have no leverage.

What am I going to say. "do this, or I'm leaving?" she would say. "fine. Goodbye."

She wants to go through her therapy by herself. Along with the down time between her sessions and work. If I ever want her back, I have to let her do things her way. If she finds she needs me during her treatment, I will be there with bells on.

Honestly, I don't know if that will happen or not. Nor do I know if her treatment will work, or if she will ever come home. I'm half expecting a call from her attorney someday advising me of the fact that she is filing for divorce. If that day ever does come, I want my kids to know that did everything possible to keep our marriage together.

It seems I am having an internal struggle between my head and my heart. My head is the logical side, and it wants definite answers so I can make plans, etc.

My heart side is much more sympathetic, and says "just love her, support her, whatever it takes, for as long as it takes.

So, we resolved it by me deciding not to bring up any logic based questions like "how long will this take", "when will you come home", or even "will you come home?"

I'd love to take some time just for me, but there is no spare time. Having a toddler and a teenager, plus all the daily stuff keeps me busy all day, every day.

 

[KP the nut]

I'd love to take some time just for me, but there is no spare time. Having a toddler and a teenager, plus all the daily stuff keeps me busy all day, every day.

IMHO, as a parent you need to take time to be you. I don't know the ages of your children but teenager must mean school? and toddler, is there a creche/nursery? If yes and you are able I'd say take time off work even if it is just a few hours whilst the children are else where and do something for you.

YOU need to be fit and healthy, mentally and physically.

((HUGS))
KP

 

[livergirl70]

What a top bloke you are Angus, I was abused and find being intimate a problem. Saying I love you is easy to say but not mean, but when you really love someone actions speak louder than words. Maybe she can just squeeze your hand or something

 

[Angus McGee]

Once my wife moves out, she will have our 1.5yo son from Sunday after church until Monday when she goes to work. That happens on July 17th. My daughter goes to her friends house on Sunday afternoons, so I'll have that time to myself.

Our 16yo daughter is a junior in high school, and is by far the most stable through all of this. She is in a mentor program through our church, and her mentor is a licensed counsellor. I've strongly encouraged my daughter to talk through things with her, and it seems to be helping her at least.

As far as my mental/physical health is concerned so I can help my wife, I've realized what she wants is me out of the way. That may not be a typical procedure for someone in her situation, but it is what it is.

Oh, hey! Is that the end of the rope I see??

 

[livergirl70]

Angus

Do you want to go to chat?

 

[Angus McGee]

We can if you want. If you're worried about my end of the rope comment, I was just trying to be poetic. Ive talked about getting to the end of my rope before, so i was playing off of that. Our one year old has been very crabby and was screaming quite a bit this afternoon. He is at the age where he screams when he doesn't get what he wants, and we are trying to teach him that screaming doesn't work when you want something. The side effect of that is a lot of screaming which depletes already frayed nerves very quickly.