Letting Go

[scott_1971_h]

Have any of you wondered how much your trauma has taken over your identity? I have. It seems as though i am "becoming" my trauma. It's all i think about. Yeti is always in my head. I really feel like i am grasping at it and i should be letting go of it.
She really was that bad though, I've forgotten just how powerless I was and am i choosing to be continuously powerless by remembering it all? Why is it all i think about, am i addicted to trauma and chaos? Sometimes I think I am...

Scott

 

[hazen]

I don't think you are choosing to be powerless I think you are just trying to understand what happened and not keep it bottled up.

But I know what you mean... the more I deal with this the more of my brain it seems to take up every day. It is tiring after a while but it doesn't seem to be getting easier... yet anyway.

Hope it gets better for you sooner rather than later.

 

[anthony]

Trauma consumes you Scott... that's what trauma does. The idea is not to focus on the hold trauma has upon you, but instead to focus on the hold you want to take upon your trauma.

It is naive to think that trauma will not consume you... just accept it, its not a negative, its just the way trauma works. This is what makes you so ill in the first place. Its a process to take control back.

 

[hazen]

We have a lot to learn. Or at least I do.

 

[squidge]

Right there with you Scott! It gets so tiring and it can feel all consuming at times. I have noticed that it has become less consuming the more I work on it with therapy, but it such a slow and painful process. I am hoping that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

 

[Lionheart]

I agree with Anthony, it is a process to take back control. For me, "letting go" is not something I actually do, but rather something that I allow to happen, if that makes any sense to you.

Someone once said, "sometimes to keep it together you got to leave it alone."
Accepting where you are at in recovery may not speed up the process but it will keep it from slowing down further, (at least I found this to be true for me anyway).

...and although it often does feel worse before it feels better, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[mamachick]

Have any of you wondered how much your trauma has taken over your identity? I have. It seems as though i am "becoming" my trauma. It's all i think about. Yeti is always in my head. I really feel like i am grasping at it and i should be letting go of it.
She really was that bad though, I've forgotten just how powerless I was and am i choosing to be continuously powerless by remembering it all? Why is it all i think about, am i addicted to trauma and chaos? Sometimes I think I am...

Scott

I have been thinking about your post/question and how it is so consuming, but I dont think you're addicted either.
I thought of different things in life that are comparable.
People who go into recovery and attend AA begin speaking their own language, which Im sure they feel like their sobriety feels all consuming as well. They often have a whole list of things they say like "one day at a time". They are often a bit judgemental of others or start seeing things in others that may not be-and then say denial is the first symptom. When they are successful and have some time sober, at least in my experience, their not drinking is much more "matter of fact". It will always be part of them but no longer consumed.

When I was in grad school for 3 years of weekends, it felt all consuming. My hobbies were often profession related. The people I attended with became like family, we had our own language and our goal of getting through the program together was a way of life. It was more consuming in the beginning because we did not know what was ahead, by the end, we were more confident in it. My daughter just finished her first year of law school and has been consumed. Its either mid terms, finals, financial aid, scheduling, resumes, applying for internships, etc.

I think its the road toward mastery. The fact that something feels consuming means that it is being taken very seriously and we want for the better. That is half the battle. There are many people who have no awareness that there is something wrong or just dont want to deal with it.

How long will it take to get through it -I guess it will take as long as it takes. The more accepting of it we are, the easier the healing.

 

[Kintsugi]

Sweetheart (yes "brat," talking to you again), I've gotta put your post up on my wall somewhere.

Scott, no words for you except thanks for opening this thread since I am finding it helpful to read!

 

[scott_1971_h]

People who go into recovery and attend AA begin speaking their own language, which Im sure they feel like their sobriety feels all consuming as well. They often have a whole list of things they say like "one day at a time". They are often a bit judgemental of others or start seeing things in others that may not be-and then say denial is the first symptom. When they are successful and have some time sober, at least in my experience, their not drinking is much more "matter of fact". It will always be part of them but no longer consumed.

OK I'll answer this one, I go to AA... PTSD has always been all consuming, and the relief of it was also all-consuming.
My drinking was all consuming. It was my 24 hour a day occupation. Everything I did, enabled me to drink. If it involved being sober, in the end I didn't do it.
My sobriety (9 months and counting) is not all consuming. They always say the first drink does the damage and it does because if I have one, I *ALWAYS* end up drunk.
I actually like NOT getting smashed these days but I always know if I have one drink, I WILL get drunk.
Scott

 

[mamachick]

That is wonderful Scott. Congratulations. That is such an accomplishment. You have the strength to remain sober and you will get through this too. I don't know how long you have been diagnosed or have been working on the ptsd, but I have heard that the work doesn't occur when your drunk, so Im just guessing-not longer than 9 months.

I think that if what we do to avoid the symptoms of ptsd is all consuming, when we take the consuming behavior away, we are going to be back at ptsd being all consuming-but it wont last forever.

 

[mamachick]

I just wanted to add-I also really appreciate this post Scott, very thought provoking for me. I do have to be very careful not to over analyze though, My T says I think too much and avoid feelings. I am working on just feeling, even if it is unpleasant. I want a remedy and think I can think my way back to sanity when sometimes I need to feel my way back. Ooops-there I go (analyzing).

 

[Tinyflame]

My T says I think too much and avoid feelings. I am working on just feeling, even if it is unpleasant. I want a remedy and think I can think my way back to sanity when sometimes I need to feel my way back.

I think that's 'me' too- so right- my own thoughts normally go down-hill if I over-analyze, my heart helps more than my head, at some level.
Thanks brat, xox