I Don't Want To Have Cptsd - Wait, Complex Trauma

[LSNP]

It is one thing living it. It is another being told it is incurable. It is quite another to read about and realize, through deep breaths and sharp bites in the tummy and an eventual slumping, waving-the-white-flag-through-soaking-tears acceptance that one has a "CONDITION" that they can't control... that controls THEM.... that influences every second of their life.

I don't want this "disease" or "condition" or "personality disorder" or whatever the %&$* it is. I want to be normal. I will never be nor have I ever been "normal."

I am getting worse.

Edited three times.... due to typos and misspellings. I do not DO this. I can WRITE. Or used to...... be able to.... Wow.

 

[Smorck5]

LSNP,
I'm so sorry for your pain! I feel the same way! I hate being damaged I've wanted nothing but to be normal my whole life, although we cant be we can work towards not letting this control our lives. If nothing else know that you are not the only one going through this, its not much but its something.

~S~

 

[LSNP]

Sigh. Thanks. It takes every ounce of energy to "work towards" a normal life. Today I had to revisit the original trauma.... (who the %&^* am I kidding.... one of the many) and I have been worse than I've been in a long time. Maybe ever. A black fog. Anxiety. Simply could not think, period. Avoidance. Finally? Reading, acceptance... and a flood of tears, then back to "reality" and "working toward."

This sucks dog shit.

This sucks.

This is not a life.

I %&^*$&% HATE THIS LIFE.

 

[Sammy]

I know a few "normal" people who's lives I would not want to have. There are things complex trauma teaches that someone who has never experienced real, deep, life altering trauma will ever understand. Such as true compassion, true understanding, true forgiveness. We know damage, we live damage, we live pain... you are right, it sucks. I want nothing more than to wake one day and simply not hurt. To not know the darker side of life. But, I do know it and I am determined to conquer, at least some of the time. If I don't, those people who did those things to me win. They don't get to win. At least that is what I tell myself. And I hate every second of it.

 

[stuff]

I was diagnosed with CPTSD three years ago, and I've been in therapy ever since. It is one $%^& of a ride, but the hills on the roller coaster are less steep than they used to be. I can't always control it, but it doesn't own me the way it used to. All I can say is that it does get better when you work on it, and working on it makes you stronger at venturing through the stormy parts. I feel less exhausted even when I'm triggered, than I ever did before. It doesn't mean I don't hit the odd day where I feel like packing it in, but I know how to deal with that now. That being said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Hugs for you.

 

[Srain]

How odd, I just said to my husband yesterday, "I wish I was "normal"!!" He then said to me, "but you wouldn't be you". He said what if Rudi, our nutty little dog, was "normal", what would she be like??

I thought about it for a second and I knew what he meant then, she would be a blank slate she would have no personality at all, she wouldn't come running to cuddle up when I'm upset nor she would stand on her freakishly muscular longer back legs to box with our Big Girl because she wouldn't have them, she would just sit there looking blank or run away- there would be no bare belly, or bizarre faux-hawky funky doo stenchy wanna be fur, with club foot kinda oddly short front legs, and HUGE hollywood bright white teeth! She wouldn't be her. We wouldn't be yelling at her one moment for tearing up one of her ridiculously many beds and then laugh uncontrollably while getting it all on video the next as she gives us the "what?" look. Classic Rudi.

I then got what he was saying, you are who you are and in there is the gem that is glistening, the YOU. I must have it too because at my most worst is when my husband met me. I have been up and down, all over the place and that is in a single day. My friends and parts of my family I hold close stick by me and say they see it. I am trying to see it, the best I have come up with is this: at least I'm not boring. ;)

Hang in there, I know at times it feels most overwhelming, it does for me as well, but you are still in there and worth saving.

peace and healing,
Rain

 

[anthony]

Trauma may be controlling your right now, however; you can control it. You hit the issue with having to revisit the worst trauma... so the expected normal result of facing your worst trauma is massive fallout, depression, suicidal ideation, severe symptoms, etc... all perfectly normal to endure when actively facing the worst of your trauma.

So you could look at it one way, like the world is ending, or you can look at it for what it is... being a perfectly normal outcome when you are facing your trauma.

There is no easy way through trauma, and in fact, it is much more difficult to reface trauma and heal it, than it was living it in the first place... guaranteed.

 

[LSNP]

Thanks, all, for posting.

Revisiting it sent me into a three day black hole, ending last night in an absolute, poisoning drunk. I'm still in a black hole, worse now, thanks to the stupid alcohol.

Anthony, you described it so well. Massive fallout, indeed. The weekend is a blur.

Now I get to deal with a massive hangover on top of massive anxiety. Stupid, stupid, stupid.... and not helpful at all.

Booze is going again. Last night was a reminder of how nasty it is.

Self-pity is going. It has GOT to go.

Freaking therapy, whether I like it or not. Tomorrow is my first appointment with somebody who is supposed to have experience in trauma. I just love going to appointments when I know I'm going to bawl my guts out. Sucks.

I can't get over it. It feels like I will never get over it. I am so ANGRY right now. At me, at him, at them.....

Sigh.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. it is much more difficult to reface trauma and heal it, than it was living it in the first place... guaranteed.

I had no idea that that is so(?)
I thought I just got cowardly and worn out in my old age. :confused:
I thought it was supposed to be easier. :eek:

 

[anthony]

No... facing your trauma is often found to be far more difficult than living it in the first place.

Those who haven't spent years trying to avoid it, hence then PTSD vs. those who face issues near instantly, often don't get PTSD... all those years of avoidance builds up a stigma and fear which far surpasses living the trauma to begin with.

Trauma period, is 99.99999999999% of the time, not the actual issue. Its the emotional aspects surrounding the event itself that does the damage and is the difficulty, not the physical act itself.

 

[Sammy]

I once told a counselor that I thought the things I told myself and the things I believed about myself were far more damaging that what was actually done. In moments of anxiety and depression, I am not always sure of that but, deep down, I absolutely agree with Anthony. The only path to management is through. Sure wish it were easier. But, in all honestly, it is people who fight through such horrid things as I have read on this site, that I find inspiring. There are few things more impressive than someone who faces their demons. It takes great courage and endless strength.

 

[Srain]

Too true Sammy!!

Rain