I Don't Want To Have Cptsd - Wait, Complex Trauma

[NIKI]

I don't want this "disease" or "condition" or "personality disorder" or whatever the %&$* it is.

I don't want it either!!!!!!!!!:(

 

[LSNP]

The only path to management is through. Sure wish it were easier. But, in all honestly, it is people who fight through such horrid things as I have read on this site, that I find inspiring. There are few things more impressive than someone who faces their demons. It takes great courage and endless strength.

Well I, for one, am here to attest that it's true, it's true, it's true.... and I don't know if I can. Face my demon, that is. My fears are irrational now, I recognize that. Doesn't matter, though. I can't pull up and out enough to get through. Life has gone pretty much downhill since last week. Appointment with therapist was a bust. Maybe I busted it. I don't know. I don't trust therapists, anymore, either, so it's hard to say if she was just another pen-pusher or .... what. I don't know. I'm so unhappy. This just sucks so bad. "Then" and "Now." That's how I define my life. "BEFORE" it happened and "AFTER" it happened. Oh. And let's not forget the five freaking horrifying years of the "WHILE" it was happening.

I'm tired of having great courage and endless strength. I used it all up during the DURING. Having to put on my phony face long enough to have a business lunch today is going to take about all the courage and strength I have.

:cry:

 

[Sammy]

Some days success is just getting through the day! Sometimes it will be survive the next 30 minutes. But survive you will. I happen to be in a better place at the moment and can think more clearly. And I mean literally, at this moment... there are a lot of people here who "get it." It sucks. It is ok to rest and redefine your goals for the day! If you are doing the best you can, you are doing it! You are successful.

I went through about 4 different therapists before I found a combination therapist/psychiatrist that works for me most of the time. Give your therapist some time - she needs to get to know you. And you her. I happen to think trust is earned. Of she is good, she will earn it. But you have to allow her to earn it. She is going to say things you aren't going to like and push when you do not want to be pushed. There are few things more frustrating than wanting help and not being able to find it. Or just not being able to do it. Sometimes the pain just is winning. But, hang in and keep fighting for you! Not for anyone else, for you. You matter. You have worth. You are important. Believe it. Hold on to it when the demons attack. Write yourself notes and stick them in places you will see them. Do whatever you need to do to believe YOU MATTER.

IMHO, if you can get yourself through the business lunch feeling the way you are feeling, I'd call that a successful day!! Go home and rest. Read stuff on this site - this is where I "come" when feeling rotten. It is one of my safe places. Often I am just lurking but that is OK, too. Reading about other people struggling is helpful to know I am not alone. I do have to limit my time here when I am feeling bad because it can suck me into the depression of others and I find myself having a pity party. But, that is me. It has taken me a while to find my balance in regards to this site. But, there is great wisdom here from people who have been there.

First, survival - then surviving well. And you will survive well.

 

[kimba]

My T and I discussed this today. She brought up my complex trauma and suggested EDMR at some point to help deal with the memories. I'm barely on the generic Celexa at this point so I automatically panicked and put the brakes on telling her I am afraid the feelings with the memories are going to come too fast and I'll totally shut down. She pointed out how hard I am working on having that not happen.

She had a plan for the session today and I'm afraid I sidetracked her. I wasn't ready to talk about something she wanted to- maybe next week when the new dose of the generic celexa has kicked in. The anxiety is still there and I was depressed after our session today. I know it takes time, but I know what I can and can't handle remembering right now. We talked about a bunch of other stuff instead and I am slowly picking at some feelings with the things I can talk about. It is a start.

 

[anthony]

End of the day... your therapist can't make you better, only you can make yourself better. You have to make a decision with therapy, regardless the person or situation or therapist... you either want to help yourself or you don't. If you do, then fully commit to fight past your fears with help from your therapist, accept that facing a fear WILL increase symptoms due to anticipation, followed by higher symptoms again facing the fear, followed by a slow tapering of symptoms after processing the memory.

The client is the person who decides whether they get better or not, not the therapist!

 

[Queen Boudica]

I feel like I don't want this complex trauma. But what is most important to me is that I don't want this complex trauma to beat me. I WILL do everything in my power to get better no matter how down I get. And, if I can't justify doing it for myself, I am doing it for my kids.

But it's nice to have a good therapist to guide me along the way.

 

[Frankie Coffeecake]

The more I see people the more I see that no one is "normal". Keep working on it! Visiting the place of trauma is really really hard, of course it's going to hurt and be hard but you did it! That is something to be really proud of. :inlove: SENDING GOOD THOUGHTS YOUR WAY

 

[kimba]

Thanks for the reminder Anthony.

 

[brink]

Reading through this thread tonight, I can relate to so much of it. I did some trauma work about 10 years ago and found it helpful but painful; I really don't want to go digging around in that pit again but I recognize now that the work is by no means finished, even if it did get me to a point at which I am somewhat more functional. I feel as though I need to balance my need to earn a living and remain somewhat functional with my need to turn myself inside out in a healing sort of way, which I know will be very hard. I'm frightened by the thought, actually. I really wish I were able to just flip a switch and eliminate this trauma from my life.

 

[yomama]

Brink, I'm in the same boat. It would be great if I could press the "pause" button on work, kids, family, etc. to get this sh*t taken care of once an for all. But life doesn't stop just because I have PTSD. So I'm sitting here with music blasting in my ears to block out the fireworks outside for stupid American independence day, wishing I could appreciate the holiday like the "normal" people. But I read somewhere that us traumatized people actually see the world more "accurately" because we know it is not a safe place and our responses make perfect sense in context. It helps me to think I'm not a "freak" as much as someone exhibiting "normal" responses to untenable situations.

 

[brink]

Yomama, thanks for writing that. When I was learning initially about PTSD, I read somewhere that one of the problems traumatized people have is "distorted thinking," which makes us view the world as a threatening environment. One of the things I've always been concerned about is someone trying to tell me that I have to put the rose-colored glasses back on or I can't be well.

I don't think that's possible-- you can't unring a bell. Those of us with abuse histories know things about the dark side of human nature and mankind's ability to inflict cruelty that others remain blissfully unaware of. Those with histories of trauma related to disasters or accidents know that the world is not inherently a safe place and that there is no guarantee that the ground beneath our feet will remain stable. I'm glad to hear that the thinking on this has evolved a bit. Maybe it really IS time to get back into therapy.

 

[Little_Hekate]

No... facing your trauma is often found to be far more difficult than living it in the first place.
Trauma period, is 99.99999999999% of the time, not the actual issue. Its the emotional aspects surrounding the event itself that does the damage and is the difficulty, not the physical act itself.

A lot of the identification / association is Dissociation with CPTSD. The trauma corrupts body and mind and spirit I find, not just the emotional aspect. Our bodies are tormented, regardless of the severity of the abuse at the time; and due to the lack of support from so-called health care professionals over decades of abuse (I couldn't help but notice that within the last 6 months here in Ontario that doctors and shrinks just started doing work/studies on CPTSD instead of blaming the victim for the rape/trauma that we survived), if we haven't been able to "deal with our issues" in the right manner, we're left stumbling around like blundering novices trying to figure out how to "fix" ourselves. So the trauma stays in the body for a long time. With this dissociation from our bodies, we then try and heal mentality, a doctor gives us a pill to make us "feel better" which most of the time numbs us from dealing with the trauma even more so. Multiple religions, furthermore blame the victim; so spiritually ... we're then forced to either follow the premade path.

I've found that I'm very alone in my healing ... that's why I came here. To try and find answers, to maybe network with fellow survivors/partners of survivors and get through this monster called CPTSD.

What I get I'm trying to say ... without pontificating, is that the negative trauma that we experience affects us all differently ... but it does affect our bodies/minds/spirits completely. One line I found as a somewhat helpful mantra over the years is a line from Michael Ende's The Neverending Story: "It's got to hurt if it's going to heal."

Love and light to you all ^_^