General I Need A Few Words

[The Albatross]

My sincere condolences for you and your families loss Revelry. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your personal recollections and rememberances of your dad. (((Loss is part of life))) - yeah hugging you while I say it. My grandma was pretty smart. She always told me that life becomes how to deal with loss and adversity and grieving at around 40...she didn't really know how much I suffered before then, but she was still right. Somehow though, I don't see the life extinguished... I just see it transformed... it helps me to think that some part moves on.

 

[revelry]

I don't see the life extinguished... I just see it transformed... it helps me to think that some part moves on.

I will remember this ((hug)) Thank you.

I know it's hard but I really think it is an honor,

I think 'honor' is the right word. Thank you.

 

[TLight]

I'm 46 and I went through this with both my parents at the end. I seemed to be the only one facing reality and making decisions and I was condemned for it. Caretaking behavior definately. The whole time I was falling apart and not showing it.

I'm sorry for your Dad. He's lucky he has you. Looking back, my parents were extremely abusers and messed me up totally. It may sound cruel, but now I wished I'd turned my back on the situations and them. They never took care of me and I about died taking care of them and then took more abuse from my siblings. Screwed me up even more.

At the time I was in denial of the PTSD. I was barely surviving. My husband says I was honorable and had a heart and none of them did, so I should be proud. Unfortunately I look back at the time (in my late 20's and 30's) as a huge regret. I should have just taken care of me. But like I said, they were my abusers.....sounds like your Dad wasn't.

 

[Reuben Garza]

I am so sorry for your loss. One of the things I am learning about is balance, not always an easy thing to remember under massive amounts of stress though. Do you have a way to vent your emotions in a safe and healthy way? You are grieving too you know?!

 

[revelry]

they were my abusers.....sounds like your Dad wasn't.

actually, my dad WAS awful when i was growing up. He was a raging alcoholic and abusive (physically and mentally) but somewhere along the line, I forgave him, realized I couldn't change the past, and accepted both my parents for the people that they are(were).

Do you have a way to vent your emotions in a safe and healthy way? You are grieving too you know?!

I know I'm grieving too, but I keep shoving it back, because now everthying is changing and I've 'inherited' a lot more responsiblities, and I promised my father I would take care of my mother. I've lost 2 dogs, my marriage, my house, and my father, in the last year, and my SO is telling me I'm being needy and that the last few conversation have been 'all about me'.... and he's done with the relationship and that I don't 'have him' anymore, although he then told me he wasn't going anywhere. (wtf does that mean??)

No, I really don't have a safe healthy place to vent....but going outside and letting out a good primal scream..is looking good right about now....(sheepish lol)

I feel so lost, overwhelmed, sad, and like i'm about to crack, I'm starting to wonder if I should go talk to a therapist... or if this is normal.

 

[Lionheart]

(((Revelry)))

I am so deeply sorry for your loss!!! :( (My mother is in the 4th stage of COPD and the family and I are trying to prepare ourselves for the eventuality of her passing).

I was just thinking that considering the losses you have suffered this past year, that the things you are experiencing are pretty normal, but talking to a therapist might be a good idea, especially since you feel you are ready to crack.

with your permission I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...
Sending you healing hugs
LH

 

[revelry]

LH,

Thank you. Im so so sorry to hear about your mother, but if there is one thing that I can share with you, Is that there was a little part of me that appreciated the time I did have with my dad and the 'knowing' that the end was near. It gave us time to say all the things we needed to say and tie up frayed ends. Sometimes i think its sooo much worse when some is tragically ripped from your life, like a car accident, but watching them suffer is so painful too. I don't know.

It's not easy, and even with the 'knowing' and the 'extra time' (for lack of a better word), you still never feel like you had enough and still have the 'oh, I wish I would've asked them this, or asked them that'...

I can relate to your struggles and if I can help you in any way, please don't hesitate. I'm kinda a veteran on COPD, and the trials that go along with.
((hugs))

 

[Lionheart]

Revelry,

I am glad you had the time to say what you needed to say to your dad before he passed ... I try to tell my mother I love her in a lot of different ways, we joke and cut up and talk about the time I was an only child *(the first five years of my life), how close we were and how much fun we had doing arts and crafts together. Mom taught me to cook my own breakfast at 6 years old and she tried to protect me from my alcoholic father as I was growing up. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Watching her health slowly deteriorate is painful.:cry: She can barley walk from one room to the other, she doesn't get off of the sofa much and she spends most of her time coughing and sleeping, *(she sleeps a lot).:confused: She is living with me and my younger sister. We try to take care of her, but she is in need of in-home health care now because we can't care for her the way she needs to be cared for. *I am disabled with PTSD, CFS and Fibro, as well as having COPD myself *(early stage).

Any suggestions you want to give would be greatly appreciated. My mother also has congestive heart failure and the doctors are already talking about making her 'comfortable'. :(

 

[revelry]

LH,
We had gotten a nurse for my dad that came in a few times a week and look after him, It was nice because a lot of times she could catch the pneumonia, before it got too bad and we could get him on the antibiotics before he got really critical. We would get him to ICU and then just wait.

My dad didn't want to be intibated, so when he did get it, we could nurse him through on a by-PAP, but the patients really hate it and he had to be sedated most of the time until the anitbiotics could work, but he beat it 4 times...pretty good for a COPD'er. The nurses and family would joke that my dad had nine lives, but everytime he went in, I would ask myself if 'this time' was going to be 'the time', and then eventually it was. I love him, miss him, but so glad he's not suffering.

He struggled too, he couldn't walk to the bathroom without gasping, and forget even trying to get him in the shower... the added heat and humidity made him so uncomfortable. Dad like it cold, even in the winter, he ran the air-conditioning...and we live in Ohio!!! lol If he would have tried to remain a bit more active, he may have gained some years, but when all your body can do is focus on breathing, it's hard to 'go for a walk', let alone eat, or have a lengthy conversation. Towards the end, we could have loud conversations around him, it would make him anxious and it would be harder for him to breath.

I know how much this hurts....my heart really goes out to you. I hate to see anyone else struggle and wish I could 'take this pain for you' Try to prepare, Can I ask if you've talked about a living will and life sustaining measures?? It's really hard to make all these decisions when they can't speak for themsevles and you and the rest of the family is emotional. I thought we had everything in order, but then there were some things we missed and Mom and I had to make some decisions, in the event he started to 'crash' in the night.

How are they treating your mother? What kind of treatments, how many liters of oxegen is she on now? IS her CHF being pretty well regulated or is she retaining a lot of fluids. The CHF can really compound her COPD ---the heart and lungs work as a team.

I may not have tons of advice, but I can tell you what I know. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of it, but I learned that the docs don't always tell you everything, or they try to handle people with 'kid gloves' I was lucky, I had some good nurses in my corner and they knew that I could digest the worst news. So I pretty much knew how it was going to finally happen, and what determines the end.

Above all, Try to take care of yourself, caregivers sometimes wind up sicker that the sick person. You will be no good to your mother, if your beat down and beat up. If you need to share, feel free. If you want to ask questions, ask me anything. If you don't want to talk about it, I understand that too. I'm here if you need anything.. anything at all (and I think it helps me heal too:unsure:)

 

[Lionheart]

We have not talked about a living will or life sustaining measures yet, but we will. Thank you for bringing that to my attention!!! She is retaining fluids with her CHF and an in-home nurse is what we need for her, in the very near future.

She is unable to bath herself and about once per week she will get up and wash the dishes, but that is about the extent of the exercise that she can tolerate (and even then she has to take frequent breaks). She said she is ready to go to a home, but we are gonna try to keep her at home with us as long as we can care for her here.

It's not a lot of fun 'cause anytime she sleeps in late, we wonder if she will get out of bed that day.

I hope when the end comes they can make her truly comfortable, I hate to see anyone suffer, especially my mother.
I think I have already begun to grieve a little and I just want to make the best of the time that I still have with her.
I don't know what questions to ask at this point but I am sure I will have a question sooner or later, so thank you for offering your assistance, it is greatly appreciated!!!!

hugs,
LH

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear revelry,

I am so sorry for your loss :(:cry:

I cannot say exactly how you feel, but had 5 deaths of primary family members by the time I was 27 (including parents), both sudden and protracted illnesses, and oodles more since then personally and professionally.

The loss of your dad and the role in your life is huge. I am glad you could be with him, forgive him while living, give him a Beautiful send-off, and that he no longer has any pain or illness.

No matter how potentially 'expected' a death is, you can never cover everything with 'anticipatory grief'.
But in another way, you were (as he was), 'living' each day, that was more important

It is important that you recognize you yourself actually need care. If others can't bear to hear you vent (for whatever reasons), I hope you will do it here.
And I hope that you become surrounded by people (even if they are 'new' ones) who do understand, have the strength to support you and 'hear' you, that realize you will feel many things (even all at once), and that it's good to 'talk'.

Am sure I speak for so many of us when we say we love you, you will get through this, and your dad must be very thankful and very proud to be able to call 'you' his daughter.

Love, TLC, +++
(((((((revelry))))))

 

[ISupportHer]

Sorry to hear of all this Revelry. It does seem so unfair when everything piles on. Can't be just one thing at a time, can it!.

Glad you feel you can post here and share with others!

ISH