It is always there. I try I can put on this really bold, confident, persona sometimes, and I have done that when I was working, but behind are all the doubts the bad thoughts, that come out eventually. Eventually you get tripped up, someone is horrible to you or something happens and that trips you up and then it all comes flooding back like a tsunami and you are swept away.
Hi all,
Sorry I haven't been around too much - feeling swept away, flooded, thrashed about, dragged to the bottom, gasping for air, exhausted from swimming against myself, hating myself for not having taken cover on higher ground ahead of time, and now drowning once again in the tsunami that Lizio so aptly described. It is taking every ounce of my energy to write this here today, and angry with myself for not "finding the positive in all that is negative - or at least some humor).
For the frirst 20 years of my life I was voiceless, silent, and silenced - some of it was physical, some of it was demanded, some of it because I only existed to be sadistically abused, some of it from having it beaten out of me, some of it because I knew it would do no good, some of it because I was neither to be seen nor heard, some of it because it was of futile, and some of it because it only made things worse.
During those early years, my bio Mother, the web master and master string manipulator of me, her puppet, and my network of bio family members. She alternated between extreme abuse and extreme neglect, and the rest of them followed her lead. But the message was clear that I was unwanted, unloved, and did not deserve to take up space. When my mother, in particular, wanted to break me as if I was some while horse in need of being tamed or broken or to "know my no-place, so to speak, she would go on an endless tear of emotional torture. It came in waves, much like a tsunami, with 3 hours of continuous lashing insults, angry screaming, vehement hate, utter digust, and absolute condemnation of ALL things me.
And as if that wasn't enough to show me just how insignifant I was, those 3 hours would be followed by unimaginable neglect and abandonment of me and all my rudimentary yet essential needs that as a child were key to my survival, my safety, my security, my development, my trust, my identity, my worth, and my integrity. The comlete extent of it all and sheer cold blatant way in which it was done, is even, for me, too incomprehensible for words. Besides locking me up or locking me out of the house, food was withheld, bathroom privileges were denied, injuries and illnesses went unattended to medically, feelings were dismissed, compassionate care/interest were never shown, scholastic achievements were not praised, pain and tears were mocked, vision and dreams were squashed, and affection and love not granted.
It was as if the abuse, by her directly and the others both directly and indirectly, was only inflicted upon me to make the neglect felt more stronly by me - until I finally surrendered my status as human being in any and all regards. When I did manage to "physically" escape, my life stuttered along from one crisis to the next (with some successes along the way) all while fighting the messages of the abuse and the annihilation of the neglect. But I was determined to free myself from the chains of both.
And for a while I was working and "winning" with support, until I was fired for being gay which stopped me in my tracks. I would have rather been fired for poor performance than for being gay. Because, in this context it was not just discrimination done to me but negating neglect experienced by me. The entirety of me, my inherent worth and skills and past contributions, did not exist anymore, and all because a part (or in my own head, ALL) of who I was/am was revolting to others.
It took a while, but I managed to get back up from that blow enough to get back in the game, and to think I could again "win out". And I continued working/studying/growing for another few years before my then long-term therapist, yet paid supporter, passed away in a freak car accident while she was on vacation. Once notified, my "life came screeching to another halt" (for which someone just recently noted the euphemism in my own words). This combined with a surgical procedure brought all the endless ache of my tormenting deprivation, resulting from the neglect, to the forefront of my being. I was again swimming in the tsunami, but with even less "hope" than before (another euphemism, since my therapist's name was Hope).
After a substantial amount of time had passed, I again picked myself up, thought I had found a therapist who could help me put my derailed train back on the tracks of my life. I really believed it to be a good fit, and was just beginning to feel a touch of renewed interest and restored passion. However, nine months later it all blew up and tragically ended, with unprofessional/unnecessary cruelty, in her misconceptions, her written and spoken statements, and her devastating accusations. And although her mistreatment of me hurt, it was her total neglectful disregard for me, my needs, my humanity, and my loss that she dealt with so callousness that has leveled me and broken to the core of me - a wish that I once felt only my bio family would revel in!
Anyhow, I'm back to my halted life and drowning in the tsunami, without a boat or even a piece of driftwood in sight. And I don't see myself finding any dry land any time soon, or at all. Sorry for rambling on but thank you just the same (and for Lizio's metaphor that made it easier to oraganise and to put out here for all to see - so very hard to do and with many tears of regret for a life lost).
Looking for a flotation device...
Alex
