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Emotional Neglect?
- Post starter angel2write
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S
shell
One of the worse things about emotion neglect, is the long term impact. The belief that you're unworthy of being loved, and the way it prevents you from ever really letting someone really get to know you, because if they did they would hate you the way your parents did.
I once had someone tell me I was the coldest person she had met, that no matter what they did to get to know me I always put up barriers and wouldn't let anyone in.
I have always been unable forget the horrible things they said, I always just thought it was my mother, but while my father never physically abused me he held me responsible for all the physical abuse I suffered. My mother recently told me, that my father was incapable of loving any of us kids because of his upbringing in an an orphanage after the war, just in case I was delusional about him loving me. I knew she never did.
My aunt was telling me she knew how badly my mother was abusing me, when I was 4, I was running around the back yard with the muscle in my leg hanging out, because I had caught it on a nail while climbing on the roof, I was petifried when she said that she had to tell mum. I knew I would cop a beating, because she would have to take me to the doctors. As I grew up, I learnt to hide when I was hurt as I was punished for being stupid enough to hurt myself.
My older brother once said that while the physical abuse was really bad, it was the emotional abuse that was worse. The physical pain goes but the emotional abuse lives on inside forever, you believe all the horrible things said about you, to the point that they determine what you become in the future, it's ingrained in your sense of self that you're unworthy of love, caring and joy.
I once had someone tell me I was the coldest person she had met, that no matter what they did to get to know me I always put up barriers and wouldn't let anyone in.
I have always been unable forget the horrible things they said, I always just thought it was my mother, but while my father never physically abused me he held me responsible for all the physical abuse I suffered. My mother recently told me, that my father was incapable of loving any of us kids because of his upbringing in an an orphanage after the war, just in case I was delusional about him loving me. I knew she never did.
My aunt was telling me she knew how badly my mother was abusing me, when I was 4, I was running around the back yard with the muscle in my leg hanging out, because I had caught it on a nail while climbing on the roof, I was petifried when she said that she had to tell mum. I knew I would cop a beating, because she would have to take me to the doctors. As I grew up, I learnt to hide when I was hurt as I was punished for being stupid enough to hurt myself.
My older brother once said that while the physical abuse was really bad, it was the emotional abuse that was worse. The physical pain goes but the emotional abuse lives on inside forever, you believe all the horrible things said about you, to the point that they determine what you become in the future, it's ingrained in your sense of self that you're unworthy of love, caring and joy.
Shell, it does make us believe we are unworthy. The part that is the hardest for me right now is that I feel like I am back in my childhood when I knew nothing good would ever happen for me. Then it was Santa wont come here, I wont be able to go to girlschouts, if I leave to play with neighbor mom will go to the bar and the house will be empty, etc.
Now, even though I know intellectually that I am good, in the back of my mind, dont apply for that job you wont get it and are probably not qualified, the single man that invited me for coffee is probably a nut job, my house will never sell, I will always be broke, my back will never get better, etc
Many years in between were very good. Im smack back in the middle of this crappy thought. I make a conscioous effort to change but its always there.
Now, even though I know intellectually that I am good, in the back of my mind, dont apply for that job you wont get it and are probably not qualified, the single man that invited me for coffee is probably a nut job, my house will never sell, I will always be broke, my back will never get better, etc
Many years in between were very good. Im smack back in the middle of this crappy thought. I make a conscioous effort to change but its always there.
I feel like my feelings of neglect aren’t as valid as some of the things I’ve read in this thread. Where everyone's basic needs have been met except for this one crucial thing often forgotten. For me I've had all of my needs met! I've never rally wanted anything!? The relationship I have with my mom is so incredibly complicated it's hard for me to tell if any thing I fee is actually valid or if it's all in my head because I like being sick.
I feel emotional neglect and yet I feel terribly guilty about feeling this way. I grew up in a lower middle class place but my mom worked her ass off and I mean she really did she did anything and everything she could so that I would be so fortunate to have all the things I do( and she never lets me forget it). I think somewhere along the line the emotional connection between my mother and myself was definitely severed. She has pretty much raised all of my sister’s children and has only recently made an effort to realize that I also lived in the same houses they grew up in. There were times where we had alone time. I would sneak in her room very late or very early in the morning for a hug or a kiss or just simple acknowledgement that I also existed and I was also worthy of attention. I tried not to seem jealous of my nieces and nephews who I felt had more of a family connection (I mean they literally have twice the amount of family I do) and had pretty much more emotional satisfaction from my mother because my sister wasn't much of a parent and my mom has spent all of my life and theirs trying to make up for it. I was just taught not to complain and the worst of all things in my opinion was that I was taught that outsiders are not to be trusted. Child protects service, school councilors, teachers, and therapist. They weren't helpful and they just wanted to tear my family apart in my mothers perspective. So I pretty much had nobody to talk to and anyone I did talk to I lied to, which is also an incredibly lonely feeling for someone really young to have and hold around all the time. If I ever felt lonely she would just buy me something...
You want dog, okay
You want another game boy, got it
You want an ipod; here you go
Want to go to mall, here’s eight hundred knock you out (who gives a 13 year old that kind of money?)
I shopped alone
I ate alone
I spent a lot of timing playing by myself
I was just accustomed to my family doing family things without me, the occasional times we acted like a family.
Most of the attention I remember growing up was negative. I was the kid with the crappy grades and the learning disorder so if my spelling and grammar was off it was always noticed. If I gained weight I was picked on because all my nieces and nephews are slender and I'm the fat ass. No one wanted to share a car seat with me or pick me up because I physically took up too much space. I'm much older now and this line of thinking still sticks with me. I'm so used to negative attention now that I’m likely to welcome insults and verbal abuse as something warm and comforting then I am a friendly compliment or hugs which all seem really fake, plastic and just foreign to me.
I didn't have a curfew, no one was ever really worried about where I was until I hit puberty and even the concern wasn't really much for my health as much as it was just to make sure I didn't bring home another mouth to feed. I feel like it would be selfish of me to protest now that I’m so much older? In some respects I do think I faced some neglect
but at the same time there are all of these other instances where things weren't so bad, which makes it hard for me to realize what's been done wrong and what I should be angry about. I want to blame her I do, but I keep coming back to the thought that I have and have had everything anyone my age could have possibly wanted? What in the hell do I have fuss about?
I feel emotional neglect and yet I feel terribly guilty about feeling this way. I grew up in a lower middle class place but my mom worked her ass off and I mean she really did she did anything and everything she could so that I would be so fortunate to have all the things I do( and she never lets me forget it). I think somewhere along the line the emotional connection between my mother and myself was definitely severed. She has pretty much raised all of my sister’s children and has only recently made an effort to realize that I also lived in the same houses they grew up in. There were times where we had alone time. I would sneak in her room very late or very early in the morning for a hug or a kiss or just simple acknowledgement that I also existed and I was also worthy of attention. I tried not to seem jealous of my nieces and nephews who I felt had more of a family connection (I mean they literally have twice the amount of family I do) and had pretty much more emotional satisfaction from my mother because my sister wasn't much of a parent and my mom has spent all of my life and theirs trying to make up for it. I was just taught not to complain and the worst of all things in my opinion was that I was taught that outsiders are not to be trusted. Child protects service, school councilors, teachers, and therapist. They weren't helpful and they just wanted to tear my family apart in my mothers perspective. So I pretty much had nobody to talk to and anyone I did talk to I lied to, which is also an incredibly lonely feeling for someone really young to have and hold around all the time. If I ever felt lonely she would just buy me something...
You want dog, okay
You want another game boy, got it
You want an ipod; here you go
Want to go to mall, here’s eight hundred knock you out (who gives a 13 year old that kind of money?)
I shopped alone
I ate alone
I spent a lot of timing playing by myself
I was just accustomed to my family doing family things without me, the occasional times we acted like a family.
Most of the attention I remember growing up was negative. I was the kid with the crappy grades and the learning disorder so if my spelling and grammar was off it was always noticed. If I gained weight I was picked on because all my nieces and nephews are slender and I'm the fat ass. No one wanted to share a car seat with me or pick me up because I physically took up too much space. I'm much older now and this line of thinking still sticks with me. I'm so used to negative attention now that I’m likely to welcome insults and verbal abuse as something warm and comforting then I am a friendly compliment or hugs which all seem really fake, plastic and just foreign to me.
I didn't have a curfew, no one was ever really worried about where I was until I hit puberty and even the concern wasn't really much for my health as much as it was just to make sure I didn't bring home another mouth to feed. I feel like it would be selfish of me to protest now that I’m so much older? In some respects I do think I faced some neglect
but at the same time there are all of these other instances where things weren't so bad, which makes it hard for me to realize what's been done wrong and what I should be angry about. I want to blame her I do, but I keep coming back to the thought that I have and have had everything anyone my age could have possibly wanted? What in the hell do I have fuss about?
My experience is exactly like this! I was already dubbed a liar when I was a kid so even when I felt like I was telling the truth I just spent most of the time second-guessing my own thoughts. I didn't say much and when I did, none of it added up because to everyone else my mom is this sweet, really gracious women but it's hard to explain abuse that's underhanded when outside people don't know her the way I do. I agree that emotional abuse is terrible; with physical abuse you have scars that are tangible. People can see your broken bones and fractured and faces and they can say without a doubt someone is being abuse and they will be more likely to extend a hand outward to help you. But when you’re emotional abused and neglected it's just as hard to reach out. You spend so much time trying to justify these things to other people who weren't there. People who didn't get to see it first hand it makes you seem crazy. Emotional abuse is easy to discredit all the abuser has to say is " that never happened” and nobody is the wiser.
This is really relevant for me. And finding this stuff going on in ones life, as an adult. Things woven into communications, attitude and even subconscious behaviors. (Ugh!!!) Rooting it out seems epic, almost impossible at first. It is sad, and the whole thing makes me sad. But it (working through this) seems better for sure. Better than going through an entire life reflecting the negative attitudes (and beliefs) that were foisted upon me by "the family".
intothelight
Sponsor
Ever notice at the end of life, when people are in a nursing home and have limited space, they have pictures of their families and friends. It is not pictures of their toys, cars, homes or other possessions. It is the memories of those they have loved and who have loved them. That is what we need and what we cherish. When we don't have it, or didn't have it, we hurt.
The hurt is valid.
Debbie
I can identify completely. Saying it seems hollow.
I think you have to fill the emptiness through healthy new relationships.
Unfortunately I think predators easily spot the vulnerability from the pain and I personally feel like an easy mark.
I feel like I could talk myself blue in the face and never get to the end of my frustration of not feeling understood or accepted.
purple butterfly
Gold Member
I agree, emotional abuse is so insidiuous. Because it is your normality you don't always realise it is abuse until someone iin my case, my T, tells you that it is not a normal way to be treated. Meaning you can you live your lifr for decades being involved in a web of deceit and not even realise.
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