Identity Crisis

[Yellow Sun]

I'm almost certain this thread is in the wrong place. But I didn't know where else to put it.
I'm also really sorry, but I'm not sure how much I want to engage in discussion about what I'm posting. It's just that I'm learning something about myself, which is at odds with my sense of who I am; and the positive way in which some people seemed to have perceived me here on this site (as well as outside of this site). And it is for this reason that I feel the need to post these thoughts.


I had an interesting experience recently. I was thinking about how few memories I have. Not just of my childhood, but right up until adulthood - like I'm talking right up until a few days ago. Admittedly I haven't done a great deal with my life, and so this would account for a lot. But it isn't a full explanation. For example, I only have about three or four snapshots, or mental moving images of about 2-3 seconds duration up until the age of ten. But a couple of days ago I started to have more snapshots - which was a relief to me. It can be difficult for me to have a sense of myself when I have no past. I wonder if that is in part the reason for revisiting childhood traumas. In order to reclaim oneself. In order to reclaim the child in these images - the terrified child, hidden deep within herself, as she tries to shrink from her father's all pervasive presence.


So anyway, it was a relief to me to have more snapshots. It was a relief to sort of feel something. Until of course I started to remember that I am not all 'victim'. I have also been bad. And it was this memory that caused physical symptoms of shame (that heaviness, that slumping of the body), and also maybe even horror; which might account for the ensuing symptoms of fear - tightness of chest, difficulty breathing etc. It's just interesting to me - and possibly alarming - that all of the aforementioned symptoms, which are associated with my connection with myself as 'victim', can also be the same symptoms that are connected with me having been a 'bad girl'. I feel the need to say that I was not physically, emotionally or sexually abused in response to me being bad. Only I know my badness.



I also realised that the self-sabotaging drive I have, that seems to come from my identity as victim - worthless, nothing, stupid, to name a few - also seem to come from the suppressed memory of the abusive act I committed as a teenager. For example, quite aside from the involuntary symptoms that come with feeling perpetually unsafe within my body, subconsciously there seems to be the sense that I do not deserve to feel safe - and the things that I presume are a consequence of feeling safe: such as not implicitly apologising for my very existence and instead confidently occupying space in the world (physically, intellectually, socially,emotionally). This particular form of self-sabotage, is I think, linked to my feelings of worthlessness. But I am starting to have the sense of another form of self-sabotage; that I don't deserve to feel safe, confidently occupy space etc, because I have been abusive (hence the feeling that came over me of the heavy, slumped body, and then the feelings of fear).


I feel that this developing sense of myself is more accurate. I guess this is the self-knowledge I was after. Excellent - It feels like crap! Well actually it does and it doesn't. It sort of feels more truthful, more human (and when I think that, my physical symptoms ease a little - temporarily). And over the last couple of days my instinct (which I feel more in contact with since being on this site), is to have a sense of balance. To learn to understand and to take ownership of what I have done (although not to the point of talking in explicit detail about it here - I'm really not brave enough for that - I will have to try and resolve that in therapy).


The view that I am all bad, mostly bad, or even half bad, is I think inaccurate. My instinct tells me this. Neither do I think that what I did invalidates the abuse done to me, or the damage incurred. However my general habit, tendency and need to think and feel I am all bad, has such a pull. There is some concern that even if I were inclined not to be sucked into that dark hole, there may be the opposite pull to minimize or suppress the bad that I have done - in order for me to feel less bad; or to feel nothing at all. And while I struggle to reconcile my good and my bad - my loss of myself 'as all victim'- and even if I were to manage to maintain a more accurate view, I feel, rightly so, conflicted about giving and receiving support.

 

[kimba]

I just want you to know you are not alone having these feelings.

 

[Yellow Sun]

Thank you kimba.

 

[Glass Spine]

Someone once said; "If I don't see that I'm strong, then I won't be." I never paid it any thought, but your post brought it to mind. I don't think there are many people around that don't feel some kind of regret or guilt over something they've done in the past. What I say to myself is - "You're suffering for it, is that not repentance enough?" ...Well, it doesn't always work, but if we're not on our own side, then who else can be?

It's a bitter path to sabotage your own efforts. It almost sounds like something malignant and tangible stands between you and yourself! Do you have an animal friend? Don't feel obligated to reply, I just wanted to say that I do, and she saved me. Because if she likes me (and I'm quite sure she does), then there must be something about me worth liking. To think otherwise would not be giving her the credit she deserves.

Good fortune. Spirit watch over you

 

[Yellow Sun]

Someone once said; "If I don't see that I'm strong, then I won't be." I never paid it any thought, but your post brought it to mind. I don't think there are many people around that don't feel some kind of regret or guilt over something they've done in the past. What I say to myself is - "You're suffering for it, is that not repentance enough?" ...Well, it doesn't always work, but if we're not on our own side, then who else can be?

Goodness.

Well, my ability to respond to your thoughts, is undermined by the fact that I am now struggling with my having held back on the full picture of the abuses I have done - precisely that...abuses. I had started writing my original post with reference to the bad things I had done. But by the time I got to the last paragraph, in the interests of snappy editing - not to mention taking the edge off that bad feeling - three instances of abuse conveniently became one.

It gets messy. There was an abusive act at aged 10 or 11; an abusive act at about 14; and thoughts of an abusive nature a year ago.

This revising of history now has the effect of detracting from the insight I had found; not to mention the feeling of increasing clarity, that came with my efforts to face difficult things about myself.

Furthermore, three instances of abuse suggests a pattern. Which I suspect was the difficulty of putting it down in print in the first place.

Your response means a lot.

It's helpful to see some possibility of getting beyond this. Without such possibility all I'm left with is the weight of simply feeling bad. And that seems unbearable to me.

 

[Froggie]

This made me wonder as I've have heard so many people say that they have few or no souvenirs of their younger years. I have so many ... sometimes I would say TOO MANY ... maybe I was destined to have PTSD, like some sort of grosse destiny joke :eek:... ouff Froggie ... take a pill ! :cautious:

 

[Yellow Sun]

Froggie, I appreciate you responding to this difficult thread. Our issues are so different, I know. I honestly hope you find your peace.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think every person has the ability to produce good acts or harmful ones, but most of us cope the best we can with the tools we have, at the time.
We all get hurt and hurt others, at some point, because we're human.But to feel regret about it, identify and change- not repeat it, is all that we can try to do.

What counts now is the present.

I would think that the 'capacity' to be abusive only suggests we're human.
But there may have been mitigating reasons at the time- anger, ptsd unmanaged, desperation, rage.
Sometimes it helps to make ammends- even that be writing a letter asking for forgiveness and destroying it.
They even say, "The best 'sinners' make the greatest 'Saints' "- it helps to later understand and forgive others.

I suspect most of us here concentrate on what we've done 'wrong'- rarely the good things/ kindnesses, shame and guilt are hallmarks of ptsd.

 

[Tinyflame]

But I do understand- it's hard to forgive ourselves.

I've been on either-end of abuse; the person/ people who did it it may be 'shocked' I forgive it totally, and understand more than they know or realize. Neither do I condemn them for it.

You're a good person YS, just for today let yourself accept that (I hope :inlove:).
xox

 

[Yellow Sun]

But to feel regret about it, identify and change- not repeat it, is all that we can try to do.

Thank you Junebug. This is important. This is the difficult process I need to engage in. Years ago, I had a flashback of what I had done as a 14 year old. I had a similar experience to what I've had over the last few days: I was reeling from it. I felt vile. I disclosed it to my therapist at the time. She was very accepting - and kind. I didn't expect that.

After my initial disclosure - and her response - it felt like she had created an environment safe enough for me to explore it; which was awesome! So after my initial hysteria upon my new found revelation, I wanted to calmly understand what that was all about - these instances of abuse. But it never happened. It somehow seemed to fall off the agenda.

So I think I was left with this weird conflict: that there was some scope to acknowledge my abusiveness; but that despite her being understanding, it really was an issue that was too taboo to look at - and address. And so actually I should secretly remain ashamed; or as I guess I have done, suppress it - because who the f*ck can stay with that unprocessed shame and still function? In reality maybe she was just trying take things at a careful pace. But this was the message I was left with.

And so, when I think about it, I was ill-equipped to handle the abusive thoughts I had a few years later. Because I really should have seen that one coming a mile off.

I've been much more insistent about the issue with my current therapist (I really have been around the block). I thought I noted the tiniest discomfort, but on the whole there are some promising signs. The whole thing is just so tricky. Because how can I really deal with the abuse done to me - if there is no way of dealing with the abuse I've done to others. Gosh my head hurts!

I suspect most of us here concentrate on what we've done 'wrong'- rarely the good things/ kindnesses, shame and guilt are hallmarks of ptsd.

I think I agree. My conversations with people on this site up until this thread, came from such a good place. I really was beginning to feel some internal shifts - feeling good about myself and feeling good about others. Which ironically, is probably why this issue has come to the fore. There's nothing wrong with that - I see that as part of the process.

But now I can barely look at the exchanges I have shared with others, elsewhere in the forum. Which is why I think Glass Spine's suggestion of an animal friend (and no, regrettably I don't currently have one) makes perfect sense :).

 

[Yellow Sun]

But I do understand- it's hard to forgive ourselves.

I've been on either-end of abuse; the person/ people who did it it may be 'shocked' I forgive it totally, and understand more than they know or realize. Neither do I condemn them for it.

I'm not at this place yet. But it's good to know it's possible.

You're a good person YS, just for today let yourself accept that (I hope :inlove:).
xox

Thanks Junebug. I'll give it a whirl :).

 

[Tinyflame]

Years ago, I had a flashback of what I had done as a 14 year old. I had a similar experience to what I've had over the last few days: I was reeling from it. I felt vile. I disclosed it to my therapist at the time. She was very accepting - and kind. I didn't expect that.

After my initial disclosure - and her response - it felt like she had created an environment safe enough for me to explore it; which was awesome! So after my initial hysteria upon my new found revelation, I wanted to calmly understand what that was all about - these instances of abuse. But it never happened. It somehow seemed to fall off the agenda.

So I think I was left with this weird conflict: that there was some scope to acknowledge my abusiveness; but that despite her being understanding, it really was an issue that was too taboo to look at - and address. And so actually I should secretly remain ashamed; or as I guess I have done, suppress it - because who the f*ck can stay with that unprocessed shame and still function? In reality maybe she was just trying take things at a careful pace. But this was the message I was left with.

And so, when I think about it, I was ill-equipped to handle the abusive thoughts I had a few years later. Because I really should have seen that one coming a mile off.

I've been much more insistent about the issue with my current therapist (I really have been around the block). I thought I noted the tiniest discomfort, but on the whole there are some promising signs. The whole thing is just so tricky. Because how can I really deal with the abuse done to me - if there is no way of dealing with the abuse I've done to others.

.. I really was beginning to feel some internal shifts - feeling good about myself and feeling good about others. Which ironically, is probably why this issue has come to the fore.

Dear YS, when I was 14 onward I went through several 'bad' coping mechanisms and hurt myself and others- but they were just that- bad coping mechanisms, the best I could do in desperation (and not having a clue 'what' was going on or 'why' I was feeling or experiencing what I was), at the time. And all hidden (unless they were exposed), and nothing spoken of (I was very adept at hiding all of it), and no (legitimate) source of help sought out.
It likely didn't help also- to be viewed one way (or given positive feedback) while I was living a double life (in my mind).

I hope one day soon you can look back and give to yourself the empathy you would give any 14 year old in the position now that you were in then.

I think your Therapist 'gave you the reigns' to continue, but I think what T's sound like they don't understand is at times like those it helps to have clear direction- it helps if they 'spell it out', or 'continue', because after disclosure it always seems to feel somehow 'negative' even if initialy it was positive. I think that's fall-out from the 'disclosing', itself.

But don't feel badly- it seems (at least for me) I never see it coming! :eek: -'Clear' afterwards but like a black train in the night-
Personally I think you've 'pulled it apart' very rationally, and faster, than I could ever do.

I think it's awesome too you could and did say that, and you're right- they say these issues can't be addressed (or even recalled) if we don't feel 'safe' enough. (-Yikes, lol).

I think that humility helps, as far as the forgiveness part goes- for me to remember I will never 'get it right'/ not screw up, in this (my) lifetime.
To know I am a combination of 'good' and 'bad'.
But I think what helps even more is to be forgiven yourself when you don't deserve it, the actions of 'that' are more powerful than anything (I) can 'think' rationally (or accurately) of why it's 'appropriate' to forgive.

I think you're doing great, with your therapy and otherwise, by the sounds of it! :) :tup:
-Those are hard things to cope with. Especially when they come 'attached' to all the feelings and experiences that were there at the time.

I find that, because these thoughts (like that) can snowball for me, I have to try to think of 'soft' things/ good things, and learn to drag myself out of it, to not be pulled further down.
My 'thinking' gets me in the most trouble.

Somewhere I heard we have to think of a 1000 positives to 'nullify' one negative.

One thing I know is for every negative you feel like you've 'done' there have been 10's of thousands- maybe a million (that's a 1000 1000's ;)) of good, kind +/or thoughtful or loving things you've done also. :)

-And trust me, when all is said and done the most important parts are the countless small kindnesses you've provided for others- they'll remember the small kindnesses more.