Hello Nemone,
I feel inadequately equipped to respond to your harrowing circumstances. But I shall attempt to nevertheless; if only on the premise that someone trying to see your distress, and trying to be present to you during it, might in itself bring a little relief - if only temporarily; and failing this, will hopefully have distracted you - if only temporarily - from the constant harassment of your thoughts.
For me, the starting point might be to apportion blame where due for your current and understandable state of stress. This to my mind lies with the sadistic f*ckers who are so disconnected from themselves and others - as to be capable of, and to have perpertrated, such remorseless horror. I speak of apportioning blame (which you may or may not agree with - I'm not even sure how I feel about it) not as part of some crazed hang-draw-and-quarter-them protest (I think I remain of the view that horrendous acts such as those you described, have their roots in something all too human) - but in an attempt to reclaim some of your head-space by restoring a more balanced perspective. This is where my anger at what others have done to you comes from. I'm feeling a little distressed by the idea that their dark venom has found its way into you. Because this is what these thoughts of guilt etc are, their dark venom. I know that this is not by choice (step away from the blame - this is not yours).
Similarly, for me, it is the uninvited presence of what I suspect may be other people (other people's judgements that you might have internalised) who seem to be inside your head - occupying valuable space - that is keeping you estranged from your personal thoughts, and hence from the real you.You may or may not identify with this.
If it is similar to what I experience then I wonder if it is possibly in part a compulsion towards negative thinking. The sheer volume of your negative, second-guessing thoughts, makes me think that this could be the case. When my therapist suggested this to me on Friday it rang true. She described it as an OCD type reaction which I didn't realise took the form of repetitive thought processes as well as behaviours (which I've had as a child). I don't have a diagnosis and it may well turn out not to be the case; however something about it brings a sense of welcome relief - which I must learn to utilize. Because now I have a fighting chance. These thoughts are not entirely mine (something that I've always suspected). Sure, there are some strongly held negative beliefs that I need to unpick; but this inexplicable bombardment of negative thoughts - this feels like something different.
Nemone, this isn't a recommendation; but rather a sharing of my personal experience. When I tried the approach of 'mindfulness' (which I've heard described as a way of paying attention to difficult emotions and life experiences) I found, through the adoption of a different set of habits (meaning different to beating myself black and blue with the proverbial big stick) that I was with practice, able to release myself from experiencing the negative thoughts as an relentless onslaught.
From what I can see this new experience of a calmer head-space, was underpinned by at least two components. The first is a type of non-reactive being. So I still had all those negative thoughts (although they did change over time), but I did not allow them to pull me every which way, by allowing them to lead me down a not so merry path. This was achieved by accepting and recognising them as just thoughts (not easy to begin with); and not judging them. The exercises I used suggested labelling each thought - e.g. 'worrying, worrying; planning, planning' as I focussed on my breathing.
Which brings me to the second component; rather than the attention being fixated on the negative thought (as might be your current experience), it is gently focussed on one's breathing - on its entry into one's body and its pathway out. It was suggested that I focus on the in breath as a new beginning, and the out breath as a letting go. My breathing didn't have to be gentle and calm for me to focus on it - and it wasn't about changing the rhythm of the breath (mindfulness as I understand it not about willing/or forcing one's self to be calm) but staying with the breath, however I found it to be - even if my breathing felt difficult; although I found that it inevitably calmed down.
It was difficult, letting go of the habit of a lifetime - and had to be practiced again and again; sometimes several times within the space of a few minutes - which sometimes was irksome, but ultimately felt kinder to myself. For me, by not adding fear upon fear (by fearing my fearful thoughts) and judgement upon judgement, the pressure in my head (and body) was eased and created space for me to just be. And I think it is in this space that one may be able to find her/himself. I found there to be other challenges about mindfulness after my positive experiences; challenges that I didn't know how to resolve at the time. My practice became less committed and then fizzled away. But I'm now of the opinion that there are potentially ways through those challenges.
So Nemone (if you're still with me - I apologize for the length of my response), my hope is that this has brought even a little relief. However, I allow for the fact that it hasn't done; and that my thoughts may have steered far from the things that are relevant to you. And if this is the case, then I am sorry - and will do my best to learn from this.
I do however, wish you respite.
