Panic Attacks Getting Worse....

[vhales]

I am so low today.

Just when I was doing so well I had a huge panic attack in the early hours of this morning. It was so bad that my legs gave way underneath me and I completely collapsed. Cracked my knee on the floor and now it is swollen and sore.

I feel awful - like a lead weight is being pushed against my chest. My head aches. My eyes are sore from crying. Terrible thoughts have come into my mind. That I want to hurt myself....badly. Although it has crossed my mind a few times thankfully I know I won't act upon them. But I do feel as if I deserve to be in more pain if that's even possible.

Spoke to my Mum who is amazing and completely supportive. I want to run away back to the safety and security of my family home. To hide away and feel safe. It's the only place I feel truly secure.

How awful does that sound? I am absolutely ashamed of myself. I hate the person this illness is turning me into. I know the person typing this isn't the true me and that hurts even more.

Start my counselling on Saturday morning. Then the real pain starts......

 

[The Albatross]

vhales, don't let the anticipation of pain (starting counseling) add fuel to your event. Very glad your mom was supportive. Can you find any stressors that tripped the dark thinking and self harm ideation? (((Hope you feel better soon)))

 

[vhales]

That's what frightens me most. I have no idea why these horrible horrible thoughts are creeping back into my mind. Felt like this straight after the event and before I was diagnosed. Feel like a failure. Twelve steps forward and then this happens and I've taken 112 steps back.

My trouble is that I try to be strong and to keep it together constantly. There is only so much of that I can do. Something has to give sometimes.

I find my panic attacks are triggered when I don't get enough sleep. I can't sleep because I have night terrors, nightmares and flashbacks. It's a never ending circle.

I am trapped.

 

[intothelight]

Vhales,

I really does get better. Hang on to that hope!

Debbie

 

[Gamereign555]

Albatross is right about the anticipation getting to you. It always gets me too, job interviews, engagements with friends, anything major and not. It doesn't take the anxiety very long to build to unmanageable levels. Try not to think of your appointment as a bad thing but a turn in the right direction, a chance to open that can of worms and spread it out so it all can be seen and the healing can begin.

When I had my first sessions I didn't feel as if there were any problems other than the anxiety, panic and depression I was feeling which I was feeling really really bad, but once I got to talking I realized how messed up it really was and the emotion came spilling of me like nothing I would have expected. There was some added anxiety initially but the first steps were profoundly healing for me and things I had been masking, numbing for so many years came out of me where it could be dealt with. Every time you share something you have been turning your back to and forgetting because of the pain, you are helping abolish the return of the stress and anxiety, as you do this and learn to heal and deal, your life will become more and more manageable.

I too also suffer from insomnia and occasional bursts of nightmares, I was given medication from my doctor to deal with those issues. I know its important and how bad the anxiety can build up without proper sleep. Try working with your therapist and your doctor to see if there is a solution that can help you in that department, because sleep is so vital. I actually recently found out that a great deal of my anxiety came from lack of sleep.

 

[Spero3]

Vhales,

Be easy on yourself. No one chooses to have PTSD, and what you are experiencing is not your fault. Ashamed is the last thing you should feel. And, there is nothing wrong with wanting to run to safety. Who doesn't want to be somewhere in which they feel safe? Anxiety and panic attacks are very scary. When I have an anxiety or panic attack, I feel so helpless and frightened and completely out of control. It is like something else, some creature, has control of me.

Counseling will hopefully bring you insight and give you tools with which to heal and cope. Therapy can be painful, but it is good pain - the kind that helps you grow.

Spero

 

[Spero3]

Lack of sleep is also a real trigger for my anxiety. I must have sleep. Do you take any sleep aides?

Spero

 

[The Albatross]

My trouble is that I try to be strong and to keep it together constantly. There is only so much of that I can do. Something has to give sometimes.

I find my panic attacks are triggered when I don't get enough sleep. I can't sleep because I have night terrors, nightmares and flashbacks. It's a never ending circle.

I am trapped.

Yeah, I got knocked back into the dirt a bit myself this week... not as far along as I'd thought, and not as able to deal with stressors as I'd hoped. I'm just now coming out of a cycle of night terrors... it's stopped for now for about a month and a half to two months... it is a big fear response when we have some good time and get encouraged, thinking we've beaten something, and *poof* it's back with a vengence... or *poof* another weak link reveals itself... but it's not a never ending circle... honey it's a slow spiral of practice, persistence, patience and learning to get something. For some of us it's to get back to "before the trauma"... for others, like me, it's to get something we never had.. some sense of self worthiness and the skills to cope with the way we were hardwired, and to find our place in the world and challenge our way into a satisfying life.

Ride it out, things are not stable and as concrete as our minds tell us they are... things, people and places are static. The real nature of living is change. How we react to change, how we accomodate change, how we adjust to change, how we perservere with change... how we cope with change. We can learn to be more than the sum of our parts. (((Hugs for you))) get through to Saturday, and I hope your counseling goes well. Stress reduction helps, and so does redirecting anxiety by doing some self care. We'll support you here. How you doing?

 

[Queen Boudica]

No need to be ashamed of yourself ((((((((((((((((((vhales))))))))))))))). You just described exactly how I have been feeling the last couple of days.

That's the PTSD. It is not you or me. I am hoping it will get better. In fact I know there are others on here who are mastering the skills to make it better. So it will get better for you. Just hard to feel it will when you are in the midst of a panic attack.

Counselling is a big brave step. You are making a start to master this. That is what is important.

Good luck in your first session

 

[vhales]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your kind words and messages of encouragement. I means so much to know that I am not on my own and that people understand exactly what I am going through.

I had my first counselling session last Saturday. Talk about opening the flood gates. Wow. I found it really useful and think it will help me come to terms with my trauma and manage my anxiety and depression. Unfortunately my counsellor has training so no sessions for two weeks which is hard. It feels as though now I've started therapy I just want to go on and on and on with it until I'm better.

I have been trying really hard this week to stick to a routine and to keep away from alcohol (which is my coping mechanism when things go bad). I was doing so well. No booze for four days and plenty of quality sleep....and then it all went wrong yesterday. Hit the wine and could not stop. Today have extreme guilt and feel so depressed. Was up at 4am and then again at 7am with insomnia. Finally went back to sleep around 8am for an hour and had an awful nightmare.

I am still incapable of living a normal life and I hate it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to all who are suffering. I completely know what you are going through.

 

[Srain]

(((((((((((((Vhales))))))))))))

I'm glad that you are seeing someone. I know have figured out that after my sessions to be very very gentle with myself. I do nothing afterwards and usually don't have much contact with people (my preference). I allow myself to have my favorite meal and crawl under comfy covers and watch funny movies. That's it. I don't take calls or anything...keep my pups close and cry if I want to :) Those sessions take it out of me and that's good!!

Be kind to yourself, be gentle, be proud of yourself for making it! Yeah!!

peace and healing,
Rain

 

[The Albatross]

Congratulations on a successful four days...I had to cut out the reliance on alcohol to make better progress. Glad though that you're seeing a connection between maladaptive coping (booze) and compulsion (not being able to stop). No guilt neccessary... I hope you're feeling better and endeavor to try to recommit to some alcohol free time soon. One thing about depression and anxiety... pouring booze on it (a depressent) isn't going to help much. Do be kind and gentle with yourself, it's a process to learn to self care instead of self destruct.