They're Getting Worse

[Sideways]

I just want to share 2 things: first, contrary to what you've told yourself, you're actually doing a really good job of writing about "it". Writing about "it" doesn't always have to be writing about specific memories. Sometimes writing down anything that's going on for you, even just a sentence, is really hard work and can be really helpful. And here you are, you've just written down a whole heap about what's going on for you. So you beat yourself up about plenty of stuff no doubt, but "I can't write about it" just isn't true - because you're doing exactly that.

Second, the grounding stuff. At the moment, it's a bit like you're learning how to diffuse a bomb for the first time in the middle of a battlefield instead of the practice yard where it's safe. So the pressure to get it right, and see results, is working against you. Try and suss out the techniques that speak to you the most, and stick with them. No more than 2 or 3. Keep repeating them as often as you can, even when there's no results.

When you get the feeling that you're just beating your head against a brick wall, try and be gentle with yourself and remind yourself that you're giving these techniques their first test run when things are at their very worst, so it will take a bit of time, practice and perseverance.

"I'm not coping" is a thought you're having. It's just a thought. It's a really powerful thought, and it's detonating a whole heap of really strong emotions, but it's still just a thought. You are coping. Doesn't feel that way. But actually you are, and you're doing a really brilliant job at it. So don't give up on yourself. You will get through this. It will pass. You will be okay. And it is very definitely worth it.

Thoughts are with you - things are a lot tougher for you right now than you deserve.

 

[J.A.S.]

Thank you, Circus...
you're very on point with a lot of what you said...about what I've been thinking, and how it feels when i'm trying to ground...i'm trying to not give up.
thank you, for responding. for caring.

 

[mary1979]

I experienced my first flashbacks in a long long time today.

In the past they were vivid like you describe, I felt literally there and my body reacted physically to them, nausea, rapid heart rate, intense knot in my stomach, burning face.
Usually only after attempting to be intimate with my partner but not always, as I had a couple triggers that weren't sex related too.

The old rubberband round the wrist and snapped frequently was first attempt at bringing me back, but that only worked for a short time.

In the end I learned to go with the memory, and allow it to play out in my head.
After sometime I could identify it as just a memory, and eventually id use fantasy to play out new ending.
I'd take my power back and end it feeling safe.
Took years but they ended in my early 20s.

My psych said this was not something many could do though, which left me thinking my flashbacks weren't as severe as some?

The old memories resurfaced today, after going over my abuse last night and sharing my deeper feelings of shame out loud.

This was a beauty and lasted ages.
I was exhausted by the end, and couldn't change the outcome, the memory took a mind of her own.
Not sure if its worse than it was because the shame is stronger or if I'm just out of practice but the only physical reaction was a rise in heart rate and my breathing was ragged.
Still found going with it the only option which was a total pain in the ass and the sick feeling of shame just wont piss off 6 hours later.

Hugs to you, I hope you can find a way to deal x

 

[Sandstone]

Yes, it is true that you are already doing well at communicating clearly. Keep on doing it just as you are.

Remember that you don't have to give any details to ask a doctor for help. You can just say that you are experiencing flashbacks of something bad from the past, or you can show them what you have posted here. No competent doctor or therapist would expect you to tell any details.

I understand about self care being hard. I've been working at trying to do it, and t understanding why I struggle, for years. Can you make yourself do it on the basis that it is the way to stay together enough to meet your responsibilities? I found a way in along those lines.

You didn't deserve what ever happened to you. You don't deserve to suffer now. If someone attacked you, then they took that action, by their own choice. You are not to blame.

 

[J.A.S.]

Mary - I'm sorry that it came back again and that it was a bad one, but it's good that you were able to lessen them over time. The rubber band trick didn't do very much for me, because I didn't hear of it until I'd already been self harming so it wasn't effective for me.
I've read a few different peoples posts on here about how they try to take control to have a different outcome during their flashbacks, but I haven't had any success with it. It's like, I know it's coming so I try to prepare myself for it, but it still just runs me over and I don't have any control over what's happening in my head. It's hard for me to realize where I am half the time when I'm in a particularly bad one...and the shame...yea, that's a huge one for me.

I went years without remembering what happened to me, but through those years I was still really messed up emotionally I just didn't know why at the time. It wasn't until I was attacked in college that I remembered what happened all those years ago. Those memories coming back, on top of what happened, almost killed me. After about a month I was able to shove it all away again and pretend nothing had happened...certainly not the healthy response, I know, but it kept me alive. If I could I would push it away again, even knowing that it's not the best thing to do, I'd do it in a heart beat. I've tried, but it just keeps getting worse this time. The more I try to tell myself it didn't happen, the more flashbacks I have, the less sleep I'm getting.

Sandstone - I'm trying, with the whole self care thing. Some days are better than others. Part of me knows I need my job to pay bills and such, so I force myself to go, but my bosses know something is up because I can't force myself to come off 'normal'. I can force myself to go to work and go through the motions, but when in the past I've been able to paste on a smile and act like things are fine, I just can't do it this time, and it's making things at work strained. And outside of work? Yea..nothing else really matters to me in the way of responsibilities. I just don't care about any of it. I don't really care about work either...but like I said, I've got bills to pay so I force myself to go.