Embarrassing Chronic Suicidalness

[ms spock]

I don't know if self medicating with alcohol is any better then being on meds but I suppose any substance has it's downsides. I spend alot of my energy trying to control homicidal rage. Drinking helps this as long as I'm alone when I drink... And what comfort would medication bring now? I've been on it before. It doesn't do anything except tranquilize you to the point of almost being retarded. I was put on so much medication people thought I was autistic. So I don't know. I really don't. I have

Well obviously that type of medication was of no assistance whatsoever. I also had bad reactions to some drugs - but finally I found ones that worked. I thought I would just tell you that for what its worth.
ms spock

 

[Nicolas Connault]

Scaldedsheep, I was only thinking that, if you really believed you could handle this all by yourself, you wouldn't have come here for support. I think coming here is a good thing, but it does challenge that belief. I think human beings are meant to need each other, no matter how mature or experienced they are. Does that make sense, or am I completely off the mark?

 

[ms spock]

I think we have evolved to be social creatures. It is cruel to keep a flock animal, herd animal, pack animal on its own. That can also cover us as well - we are social creatures.

 

[scaldedsheep]

Ms Spock- I'm not feeling like a social creature right now. I haven't for quite some time. Anytime I've ever tried to be social as a kid it's always ended in ridicule or exile. As I got older and after sadism I became incredibly violent and bitingly cynical. Only then was I accepted by what you would consider the "wrong crowd" runaways, affiliated peoples, other people in my sort of situation etc, I was never loved but I was feared. So I was accepted for all the wrong reasons but I also knew that these people weren't really my friends. I didn't care. I still don't. I don't hang around anyone anymore for fear of doing a stint in the pen and also because I moved out of state. My brother and I are the only people in my family who haven't been to prison yet. I would like to keep it that way. Plus, I just get bored with people. I guess that sounds bad. I get bored because I know I mean nothing to them and they mean nothing to me so what good is that? People...wow what a subject how can I even begin to explain and who really cares?
Nicolas-That makes sense to a certain degree. How badly one needs other people I suppose is based on personality and their situation. My "need" for people varies, I guess. Relationships really mean nothing to me as my love for a very seldom few never really mattered. You just get cold after so long. I'm not sure if I'm on here because I need people or not and how could I ever need someone if no one ever needed me unless it was to degrade me or act out some violent fantasy? Other than that I was a wild animal.

 

[Nicolas Connault]

One thing is sure, scaldedsheep: I need you here to get to understand you, and I value everything you write here as unique and priceless. In my view, every person is unique and priceless, and of incomparable and unconditional worth. Thank you for sharing parts of yourself with such honesty!

 

[Audreeeey]

You are going to be okay.

And the day you realize you feel better will feel like the most amazing day of your life. The day you realize you can read a paragraph in a book and enjoy it, the day you realize you can watch a TV show and laugh at it, the day you realize that all of your interests who made you the beautiful, interesting person you are make you happy again....that day will be the best day in your memory.

This worked for me, I really hope it works for you.

 

[freakofnurture]

"I'm a grown woman I should be able to handle my baggage". How strongly do you believe this?

I believe it pretty strongly which is why I'm doing it.

I know that I have a lot of the same ideas in my head - that I cannot be helped, that I have to be independent, that I can't trust anybody. And I know how it feels to have no emotional connection whatsoever with the people around. So I know where you are coming from and I understand you.

Over time I found out that these ideas are an artefact of my traumatic childhood. There was never anybody there to help me. My needs were rejected and ridiculed, my feelings declared stupid and wrong. I internalised these lies my p*rents told me. I shaped my self-image accordingly. I had to do so to survive. It was the only way.

But I am no longer a child. Now I realise the lies for what they are. I realise that my self-image has been crippled by them. It's hard to accept because a lot of my pride rests on the fact that I don't need people and that I am so different. So I don't yet try to change that part about me. But I work on accepting that I deserve to have my needs met and my feelings accepted and validated. I deserve consideration for my disabilities. I deserve help and I deserve understanding.

I refuse to further the lies that are part of the root of my trauma. I refuse to be my own abuser. I want to be my own spokesperson.

Ever since I've been homeless it's hard to feel like I have a safe place even though I've been living comfortably in same place for a year now.

:( That sounds pretty harsh. I have a hard time feeling at home somewhere, too, but I do generally feel safe in my appartement.

The term Safe Place doesn't refer to a 'real' place, though. It's a place in your mind that you create for yourself and where only you can go. Therefore it's absolutely, perfectly safe there. It could be a garden or a cave or a planet in another galaxy, whatever you like.

It's a well established practice in the treatment of trauma.

 

[Nicolas Connault]

But I work on accepting that I deserve to have my needs met and my feelings accepted and validated. I deserve consideration for my disabilities. I deserve help and I deserve understanding.

Yes you do!

The term Safe Place doesn't refer to a 'real' place, though. It's a place in your mind that you create for yourself and where only you can go. Therefore it's absolutely, perfectly safe there. It could be a garden or a cave or a planet in another galaxy, whatever you like.

There's another way to think of a "safe place" that adds to the internal kind you describe. It's the safe place you enter when you talk with someone who listens without judging, who accepts you as you are, and who reaches out and holds you (emotionally or physically) when you need it. Emotion-focused therapy is based on this concept of "shared safe place". It's like entering a haven of validation and acceptance, but you have to let ALL your guards down, and that's terribly difficult to do.

 

[James B.]

Good job writing all this out, scaldedsheep. :tup:

 

[maddog]

Lots of powerful, emotive discussion in this thread.

Funny, I had the "safe place" discussion with my T today, or a variation of it anyway. Why is it that admitting to something so wonderful, ie, the fact that I have, for the first time in my life, found that safe place in the relationship we have established, fills me with such horrific terror and a desperate need to reject and flee, matched only by a frantic need to cling and hold on...

I know the reasons, of course, rationally I know them. But reconciling their subjective impact on my life is another matter.

It's so tiring... so difficult... yet so so critical.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by good people now who are doing all they can to help me find safe places in a few different corners of my world. I hope that some day I can find peace and security with this concept. Maybe that's when I'll know I'm getting better.

Maddog

 

[scaldedsheep]

There's another way to think of a "safe place" that adds to the internal kind you describe. It's the safe place you enter when you talk with someone who listens without judging, who accepts you as you are, and who reaches out and holds you (emotionally or physically) when you need it.

There's people like this? I thought that was all Hallmark bullshit. lol Maybe they're just hiding from me. I always imagined sinking so deeply into the depths of the ocean that I explode and die from the pressure as pretty comforting. I don't know if that's a safe place or not. When I was homeless I'd go sleep on a bench in the cemetery sometimes and that was peaceful too. I don't know. I don't really believe in the whole safe place thing because there's really no safe place even inside myself. I definitely never met anyone like you described and I don't expect to. When I think of finally being able to die...that's when I feel most relaxed.

 

[Nicolas Connault]

It's a tragedy that you have been mistreated to the point that you now believe this (that there aren't people like that), it must make it very hard to trust anyone at all. Without trusting anyone, you can never give anyone a chance to create that safe place for you. If you could just hang on to a thread of hope that this is possible, despite having had your trust betrayed so many times before, you may still find someone with whom you can experience it. I hope that you will, sincerely!