Embarrassing Chronic Suicidalness

[Nicolas Connault]

You can always imagine ulterior motives if you're creative enough, it doesn't mean they exist :-) Everything looks blue when you look through blue-coloured glasses, even the brightest orange. Besides, the only you can really find out someone's true motives is by trusting them at least a little bit, enough to get to know them.

 

[scaldedsheep]

I suppose that's true or you can wait until the dagger is nestled somewhere between your spine and sixth or seventh rib. I prefer not to give anyone a chance which I guess as I type this doesn't make a whole hell of alot of sense but then it does to a certain degree. Anyone I've ever cared about has betrayed me so I doubt that changes now.

 

[Nicolas Connault]

What you say makes a lot of sense. But just because a plant was neglected, does it mean it no longer needs water?

You will probably acknowledge that there are many people who manage to find satisfying, fulfilling relationships with others, and who don't end up getting betrayed. The experiences you've had have led you to believe that these aren't possible, or at least not possible for you. What I suggest is that you, like every other human being, desperately need such a relationship, and that it is possible to find and maintain one. But this can't happen unless you challenge the "self-preservation" belief you have developed over the years.

It's a tough call, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to let down your guards after having been betrayed so many times. Right now it may feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place: never trusting anyone again so you never again get betrayed, or starting to trust again so you can meet your emotional needs for intimacy and companionship. Neither alternative may sound appealing to you, but the first one probably sounds easier, am I right?

 

[scaldedsheep]

Yeah it does.

 

[ms spock]

What I suggest is that you, like every other human being, desperately need such a relationship.

I do, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't seem to be able to find the right people. I seem to attract emotional vampires. I didn't have the patterning that comes from a family with boundaries and decency. I don't know how to read people for myself. I can do it for other people. I just don't seem to have the belief that I deserve any goodness or kindness in my life.

ms spock

 

[Nicolas Connault]

I just don't seem to have the belief that I deserve any goodness or kindness in my life.

I've often struggled with the inner conflict between logical beliefs (what makes sense when I think about it with a cool head) and core beliefs (perhaps subconscious beliefs?) that result from past experience, and that tend to surface under stressful situations. I could give you a very logical argument in favour of the idea that you deserve goodness, kindness and respect, but logic enough won't rewrite those core beliefs. I like Daryl Cross' videos on youtube, maybe you'll find some of them useful: [DLMURL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujJCFfZyNxI[/DLMURL]

Without trying to convince anyone, I want to say that I am absolutely convinced that every human being deserves equal respect, has equal worth, and has infinite and divine potential. That has always been my philosophy in life, and I have never had reason to doubt it. That will continue to be my philosophy if I become a therapist.

 

[ms spock]

I stand alone amongst my generation in my family...

I truly honour you.

I stand alone amongst my family as well.

Though they are respected members of the Catholic Church, educational institutions, providing relief, charity and aid and generally moving around with a veneer of do gooders in powerful places. :(

To be so alone is so hard. To hold that space that (in my belief) on the cusp of intergenerational change and awareness is exhausting, wearying overlaid with boned tiredness.

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I've often struggled with the inner conflict between logical beliefs (what makes sense when I think about it with a cool head) and core beliefs (perhaps subconscious beliefs?) that result from past experience, and that tend to surface under stressful situations. I could give you a very logical argument in favour of the idea that you deserve goodness, kindness and respect, but logic enough won't rewrite those core beliefs. I like Daryl Cross' videos on youtube, maybe you'll find some of them useful: [DLMURL]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujJCFfZyNxI[/DLMURL]

Without trying to convince anyone, I want to say that I am absolutely convinced that every human being deserves equal respect, has equal worth, and has infinite and divine potential. That has always been my philosophy in life, and I have never had reason to doubt it. That will continue to be my philosophy if I become a therapist.

Thank you that is very kind. It is comforting. I can't watch the youtube thing right now, my brain is too full.

 

[BloomInWinter]

one that doesn't have alterior motives

I can relate to that.

I have learned that all of us are only bit parts in another's play. ...and it's when we mistakenly believe that we are able to be more, we get hurt. Not that our part isn't able to be wonderful, supportive, fulfilling....but they may not want that in a great tragedy....or drama.

...and I am free to be the star of my own play. I just haven't figured out what I want it to be about yet. But I don't want to be the only player in it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It takes practice in the world of people to begin to notice all of them. The hypervigilence is one of my number one issues in even noticing most people.

I'm still always focused on the abusive people around me. But it's getting better, as I get better.

Because I only felt comfortable around abusers who treated my outsides in a manner consistent with the ways I speak to myself on the inside.