Embarrassing Chronic Suicidalness

[ms spock]

First of all: Don't be ashamed of your suicidal thoughts. That's like being ashamed of having an allergic rash or something. It's not your fault. If anything, the people who put you in this place should be ashamed.

That is just such a sensible suggestion.
ms spock

 

[scaldedsheep]

I don't know if self medicating with alcohol is any better then being on meds but I suppose any substance has it's downsides. I spend alot of my energy trying to control homicidal rage. Drinking helps this as long as I'm alone when I drink. I have been in some pretty serious fights where I've really hurt someone. I try not to let myself get that angry but I have a really hard time controlling it. I black out. I've punched holes in a wood wall. I've kicked a dent in the side of a car. Before alcohol it was primarily weed and then alcohol was easier to get and I didn't have to worry about getting arrested. I used to go to parties until a guy thought he was going to be a perv with me and I jumped over a couch and strangled him until he started to convulse. It took three grown men to pull me off him. I would've killed him with absolutely no thought of the concequences because I just f*cking snapped.
All my art is violent. Whenever I try to draw it just comes out violent. It's really shit. I used to be creative and draw different things. Now it's just violence. I hate drawing now and that makes be angry too because no matter how much I try to squash my rage it comes out in different ways and ruins other aspects of my life. I don't like feeling like I could kill people all the time. It's very stressful and it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel guilty that I can hate all of humanity so intensely. I don't know. There's a human part of me left somewhere I think. Now that I'm not hanging around with the clique I pretty much stay by myself. It's lonely but I'm a monster. I really am. That occasionally makes me suicidal too because I always feel like I'm living as two people and I don't know how to manage both selves. I'm two people that don't like each other. Does that make sense? I guess I'm really no better than the guy who did things to me so in a sense I deserve no comfort. And what comfort would medication bring now? I've been on it before. It doesn't do anything except tranquilize you to the point of almost being retarded. I was put on so much medication people thought I was autistic. So I don't know. I really don't. I have to be two people homeless me and other me. They don't mix. I fight with myself all the time.

 

[Nik]

Scaldedsheep, I'm diagnosed myself with PTSD from my service in Iraq and I really connect to your story. I self medicated with Alcohol and Cannabis for over a year to try and make the pain and hurt stop. I tried driving my car off a ledge twice, and have hit really low spots where I could find no hope, had no where to turn to, and nothing to hope for. I've had violent outbursts at my family, friends and walls, when all they tried to do was help (Or be a wall). I literally alienated myself from myself, and those around me. The world seemed worthless, I felt that I had honestly given everything I could and all I got back was pain. I felt like an emotional black hole. During those times of pain a lot of my Art (Guitar) was sporadic, unplanned, angry and came out in bursts that I didn't know how to control. If you still feel that you could find some peace of mind in Art of any kind, pursue it. The anger I felt was part of the healing process, I believe its just a matter of how you manage and cope with those emotions that counts. Try simple exercise like jogging or riding a bike to help with the intense anger. Try not to feel guilty for feeling guilty. My anger towards humanity came from me not feeling like I had lived up to my potential. I had to give myself a break and take sometime to reevaluate how I got to where I am. There is always a human part inside of us no matter what, I believe it just gets clouded by the bad things that happen to us along the road. You may be lonely, but you're never alone. It took me some time before I realized that I'm not my past, I'm not my future, but I'm me, right here, in front of the keyboard. I felt split from my world, like everything I touched turned to black instantly, like every person I met was just out to get me, but in reality, I was manifesting that reality with my fear of the past and my anxiety of the future. I've had and still have times where I feel split from myself and who I truly am underneath the Alcohol, underneath the Cannabis, and underneath hiding from my true nature. The Alcohol and Cannabis led me down the same spiral over and over again until one day I finally had enough. My time in service and the images in my head left me with a battered sense of divinity. I didn't believe in God and I didn't ever want to, everything I saw left me feeling dead and alone. During what you might call a "Dark Night of the Soul," I finally had had enough of the pain, enough of the masks and enough drugs. I prayed for the first time in a long time. It was more of a whimpering for help, from a source greater than myself. I knew I couldn't do it alone, and I felt that I was missing something serious. There was a hole that I would fill and empty, and fill and empty, depending on the chemicals of choice for that nights numbing. Once I reached out to a higher power, I felt this overwhelming sense of relief that everything was going to be OK even if they weren't now. The darkness in my heart slowly faded away as the illusion, it always was, and I was filled with a light that encompassed the void I was trying to fill with the chemicals. A light began guiding my steps. You deserve to feel comfort, you've been through hell and back. Give yourself sometime to, if not search for a higher power, at least find some peace within yourself. And I know medications are scary, but its better than drinking yourself away from the amazing person you know you could be. I have pill cutters, and I never take anything or take any more than I want to. The choice is up to you. You may feel split, but you are whole. You may feel alone, but I believe God watches over all of us and waits for us to return to his light. Never give up hope. ♥

 

[sea]

Ever since I've been homeless it's hard to feel like I have a safe place even though I've been living comfortably in same place for a year now. It's weird. I can't calm down no matter where I'm at. I even have a room now and I feel like it's not mine.

The reality of homelessness, of having nowhere to return to, nowhere comfortable and calm and safe and your-own (either never having that or having it and then losing it), is that you realize how transient something like a home (which should be permanent) really is. It is not difficult to lose your home. It is not difficult to have it taken away. It is entirely possible and it could happen at any time to any one of us. It is hard to have that one thing that is safe when you realize that everything is transient, everything changes, everything can be taken away.

Objectively most people know this but there is a difference between knowing and experiencing.

When I was in prison I couldn't even piss without someone making it their f*cking business, so I don't even take going to the washroom in privacy for granted anymore or getting a drink when I want or going outside or, you know? Everything is transient. People outside of you can f*ck up your world in so many different ways you won't know which direction is up. Cause people f*cking suck. How can you feel safe knowing that? That's like the nature of PTSD at its core. We realize how fragile everything is, and things stop being safe for us because we can't trust that they will remain constant because it's a certifiable impossibility.

But yet, consistency is often times the thing that those with PTSD crave the most. Sucks, right?

In terms of the suicide stuff, don't sweat it. You can't feel emotions wrong. You can't think wrongly. Suicidal ideation is what happens when the load of the pain you're experiencing becomes too much for you to deal with. You didn't choose to be in pain, and if you could feel better, you would. Sorry to have hijacked your thread and brought up probably old shit. FYI, you're not alone with the murderous rage shit. It is more common than people are willing to admit. When I get pissed I want to f*cking go out and mass murder people.

When people piss me off it takes every ounce of energy I possess in my body not to physically destroy them. My neighbors piss me off and I want to leave their bodies all over the floor. Scary shit, but that's just reality. You've been through scary shit. So yeah, there is probably shit lurking around in your brain. Normal. Again, you can't think wrongly. You can only act wrongly. If you're not killing people, you're ethically okay. It doesn't make you bad to think about it.

I'm sure that is not a huge comfort when you're still in it and the only thing keeping you from breaking someone's neck is a stiff drink and sitting on your hands la-de-da like a loose cannon (or is that just me?) but, well, talking it out is the best thing you can do. If you have to draw violent horrible shit, draw it. I can't draw for shit, if I could I would sure as f*ck draw things that would freak the f*ck out of normal people. Would I show it to them? Probably not, but it's good to get it out of your head and somewhere else.

And hell, if you want to show it to people, they'll just have to f*cking deal with it. It ain't like it'll jump out of the page and eat them.

 

[heidi]

I think you're exceptional as in above average. Your art is violent but is it maybe a way to work things out. I know it's not that simple and I know you said it hasn't been coming easily. But just that your mind has a way to express itself visually.. I'm out of my league here..but that's a gift. Again, I'm really sorry. Sounds like you are very hard on yourself. You deserve all kinds of comfort.

I like what Nik said about guilt and anger. And also about drinking yourself away from the amazing person that you already are. Not that you're drinking yourself away from that.

 

[scaldedsheep]

All of you are right. My drinking is a problem and I know this. It's just hard to quit right now. It's not much of a comfort to have alcohol be one of my only comforts. I guess if I'm not killing anyone thinking about it is okay. It's nice to know that other people feel this way. I bought a sketchbook today I'm just afraid to draw. Why? I don't know it's stupid. I definitely don't feel "above average." I feel like just another girl in the world.
After having to hurt someone so violently and consistently I just don't know if I could believe in anything other than what I already know. I just do what I have to survive. Now that I'm older I defend myself. I just go overboard sometimes. I know I need to change. I'm just afraid to get professional help. I have a fear of someone thinking I'm crazy or attention starved. Thanks for all the wisdom. I really appreciate the support.

 

[Lionheart]

My experience was that alcohol helped me to cope...for awhile and then it stopped working and started making things worse, so I gave it up. In order to develop better coping skills and get some support, I began going to professional therapy sessions. My family thinks it is great that I am "taking care of business" and it is a decision that I have not regretted in the least. I am sober now and take medication when necessary, but only when necessary.

As a result of stopping the self-medicating and going to therapy and seeing a Pdoc, all of my PTSD symptoms have decreased in intensity and frequency. No one has called me crazy or given me any crap about being in therapy and I would think of them as ill if they did.

When I began therapy I was told that I would have to give up alcohol or my brain would not be able to record the healing journey and it would all be for naught. If you decide to stop drinking and go to therapy you will have the support of the people on this forum.....you would not be alone and you could always come talk to us here.

I know it is difficult to be in your position and I wish you only the best,
LH

 

[Nicolas Connault]

Scaldedsheep, something you wrote in your initial post stuck with me. You wrote: "I'm a grown woman I should be able to handle my baggage". How strongly do you believe this?

 

[TLight]

What used to keep me alive was my dream of becoming a Biologist and helping the environment. It seriously kept me going through extreme physical and mental pain for decades. I finally became one and I wasn't able to withstand the stress and (believe it or not) triggering. It is a totally hostile and conflict ridden field. Now, that is gone. I feel more lost and empty than I ever have. And I really can't seem to muster up the will to figure out anything else to keep me going.

I'm existing today.

 

[scaldedsheep]

Nicolas- I believe it pretty strongly which is why I'm doing it. Being on this forum is about as emotional as I get. I've gotten through it, just having some difficulty with the aftermath, trying to help my brother, keep our drug addled mom away from him, work, and start school. I'm a little stressed but I function...as an adult. I'm not really sure what you were implying with your post.
Lionheart- I'm a little nervous about getting therapy since it's not something I can really afford and not something I would really like anyone in my family knowing. I know I need to stop drinking. I just have t get to that point I know I will.
TLight- Dreams are just dreams afterall. Existing is all life pretty much is. All my dreams are pretty much dead and that's okay. It just means I have to find other things that are meaningful even if they're only meaningful for a short period of time. I think you will find something else that interests you that you can do. Maybe biology is just bumming you out right now because even though you enjoyed it you didn't like the competitiveness of that part of the field. There has to be other offshoots in a biology career that aren't so hostile or conflict ridden. So maybe you don't have to give up biology afterall.

 

[ms spock]

There's a human part of me left somewhere I think. Now that I'm not hanging around with the clique I pretty much stay by myself. It's lonely but I'm a monster. I really am. That occasionally makes me suicidal too because I always feel like I'm living as two people and I don't know how to manage both selves. I'm two people that don't like each other. Does that make sense?

Yes it makes sense.
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

I guess I'm really no better than the guy who did things to me so in a sense I deserve no comfort.

You are beating the crap out of your two different selves and you are blaming your self for you abuse. That is a hard position to be in.

I disagree I believe you do deserve comfort.
ms spock