Supporter My Husband Is A Vietnam Vet With Ptsd

[Fender]

I'm looking for some support and hope from others going through similar trials. I've been with my husband for eight years, and for seven of those years he was the kind of husband that everyone wishes they had. He showed me in 100 different ways every day that he loved me. But about a year ago he slowly started becoming distant and pushing me away. At first he tried to convince me that it was my imagination, that nothing had changed, but finally admitted that his old demons were coming back to haunt him, he was having nightmares, and he was having trouble being around people. He told me that he has to convince himself everyday to not blow his brains out. He can't stand physical contact of any kind and jumps when I get near him.

Yesterday he moved out of the house into a residential hotel. He thought it was too hard on me to have him around when he's like that, and that its becoming increasingly difficult for him to control his constant anger and agitation when he's around people. I feel like I've lost everything.

I teach psychology to high school students, so I understand how depression and ptsd work in the brain. But knowing it intellectually and dealing with it emotionally are two different things. I've lost my soul mate and my best friend. I want to be supportive, but not sure how to do that since he's built up a wall to keep me out. Would like to hear from others who have been there.

 

[Sandra]

Welcome to the forum.

 

[leweyoz]

Hi Fender,

I'm so sorry for you, PTSD sucks big time. And you're so right, head knowledge and heart knowledge are 2 different things. You are fortunate to have some understanding though.

There is so much great info here to read through. I am a carer too and my hubby just wants to know I care, he needs to know I love him. Maybe your hubby just needs space right now. I know it's hard but try not to pressure him for answers- When are you coming back, what are you doing etc. Professional help is going to be key if you can broach that subject at all. I think the main thing is to not push in anyway. Not sure if you are in contact with him, maybe you could reassure him with the no pressure and he might be able to handle a phone call each day. It's a start.

Just my thoughts, others will have more experience than me on that score. I'm also thinking that maybe you weren't around when he first had troubles by the way you wrote, just wondering if you know or could find out what worked for him thn.

 

[Fender]

What worked for him then was to suppress all his emotional responses and pretend like nothing bothered him. Which is probably why we are where we are today.

I'm taking your advice and trying to keep in contact once a day by email or text or phone, and it seems to be helping me, if nothing else. We're both musicians and we're actually working together for a gig this weekend which is slightly awkward, but I worry that I won't see him at all when it's over.

I've been reading a lot of posts all over the site, and its been enlightening. Its been comforting to see that others have experienced the same things, and that people are managing their symptoms and continuing their relationships. It gives me hope! Thank you!

 

[leweyoz]

Hope the weekend goes well for you. I've been in a long term relationaship and married nearly 20 yrs, my hubby was diagnosed 6 yrs ago. Its rough anytime but I can't imagine how difficult it must be for a newer relationaship.

As I said others here have so much experience. Just wanted u to know someone else cares. We can feel so alone and shut out. I love the thread soemwhere else on the forum, can't remember but it's lots of encouragement and hugs for Supporters. Really lifts your day. I'll have to try and remember where it is.

 

[pi314159]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult.

I hope you are able to benefit from this forum.

 

[Paranoid10]

Welcome to the forum, Fender. I am a recently medically retired Soldier who has served 8 years in the u.s.army and performed 3 tours to Iraq. I am disabled due to service connected injuries, one of which is PTSD. I know you're husband and I are service members from different time eras. However, if I can be of assistance in regards to insight, I would be willing to help. Please drop me a line anytime and I will do my best to give whatever I can offer. Very Respectfully, Paranoid10.

 

[Fender]

Not sure if I'm doing the right thing by telling my husband's family, friends, and coworkers that he's left me and that he's suffering from PTSD and depression. My reasoning: 1--I need their support. They all know that we had an incredible relationship that was very good for both of us--until recently. They won't allow him to believe that its okay to just walk away from this. 2--He needs to feel pressure from all sides to get help. I think he'll take every opportunity to avoid the issues that have brought him to this point if he can. He's already backing out of his promise to see a therapist. He refuses to get on any medication. 3--I'm not getting the whole story from him. It turns out that some of the things he's told me in the last months are not true. I'm his wife--I have a right to know if he's not being honest. He told me that I needed to do whatever is necessary for me to be okay--and this is what I need.

Its been a rough few days over the holiday, but two of my stepdaughters were here and they were a wonderful source of support. Just wish I could get some sleep at night.

 

[Navy Spouse]

I hope your husband will get the help he needs. My husband moved out 4 months ago after he returned from Afganistan. He used similiar words to your husbands. He said he could no longer control his anger and didn't feel we should be around him when he felt like that.

He's going to counseling twice a week and I've noticed a big difference. He's not home yet, but he's showed me he's working at it.

The holidays do make it even more difficult. I'm going through the motions for the kids. I hope you can get some sleep also. I still have sleepless nights but I remember how awful that 1st month was. I know I slept very little and cried alot.

Take Care

 

[Fender]

Thank you. That gives me some hope. I feel like my focus is making him better and restoring our relationship. His focus is still on just getting through the day, and figuring out a way to live his life with the least amount of pain to himself and those around him, even if it means maintaining only surface relationships with others, including me. Maybe time will heal.

I'm beginning to find some peace in my pain.

 

[You can get through it]

Hi Fender

Many years ago my wife and I were touring Texas; we were in Corpus Christie when we got chatting to a man and his wife. He asked us where we were heading next and as we were passing the place where he lived we were invited to stop by. It turns out he fought in Viet Nam, I spent a very long night listening to the horrific things he was subjeted to. He admitted he could never sleep properly only sit up smoking night after night so was glad of my company. I gained a real insight of how horrific the Viet Nam war was. He told me the older he got the worse the flashbacks were becoming, but was having trouble with his short term memory.

Have you had your husband checked for other possible medical conditions such as dementia, which if caught early can be very well treated? I know an old British second world war vet who is in his 90s. He can remember vividly the battles he fought as if they were yesterday but could not remember simple things he had to do, and this lead to make him very angry and frustrated.

I am not saying he has some other medical condition. It is just a thought if his personality has changed dramatically.

All the best,

Steve

 

[Fender]

My husband lived on his own in New York City from the time he was 12. He lied about his age and volunteered for the marines in 1975 when he was 16 years old. His unit was responsible for drawing fire away from Saigon as we were trying to get out of the country. In the next few years he also served in special ops in central America and various places around the world. There are a lot of traumas for him to deal with, and I'm sure he's only told me about a few of them. Many are still unmentionable.

I have suggested that he should see a doctor and have a full health check-up because there very well could be other issues at work. But he is very strong-minded and not willing at this point to take that step. I met him nearly ten years ago, and from the beginning he has always told me that because of the way he's lived his life, the injuries, the addictions . . . he doesn't expect to live much longer. Well, frankly, he didn't expect to make it to 18, and then to 20, then to 30. He's shocked that he's still here at 53. He never expected to be happy or live a normal life with a wife and kids who loved him.

He's also always told me that he will not die a long, slow, painful death. If he develops a debilitating disease, he will end his own life rather than be helpless or be a burden to someone. Am I right in thinking that these feelings and ideas are fairly common among combat PTSD sufferers? I accepted it in my head in abstract, but its a little more difficult dealing with the realities. He's suffering now, and he won't allow others to help him.