How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[soulofLC]

One thing with an abuser is they will do or say an act of kindness every so often. That is to keep their target at the end of their leash so they can come back and bash them down when the need to do so.

Wow Sandra, I think you were my invisible sister! Were you hiding under the bed???? Nasty siblings, nice mum -- cruel mum, buy me clothes then criticize my looks...and strings strings strings! Emotionally and physically absent father, only talked to me to make sure I knew I was not supported. And for the life of me, there is part of me that believes he abused me one night, but the memory is so vague. I don't know if i was so ignored that I wanted abuse for ANY attention, or if he did it and I blocked it out. Pretty bad...

 

[Sandra]

My sister is famous for doing that SoulofLC. But I always consider where the action/comment comes from. A person I don't like and wished I could remove her out of my life.

 

[Sandra]

I am going to read and reread this thread.

I sent you this link when I thought it would be of interest to you when it seems our situations seem so much the same.

 

[soulofLC]

I know this script so well -- it is engraved in the hollows of my bones where the marrow of my bones lives.

Your words gave me a chill! I developed a bone marrow infection in my leg at the age of 3 years. Hospitalized for 3 months, they didn't think I would live. My psyc docs consider that to be my "original" trauma. Yikes! What a strange confluence of your beautifully descriptive language and my life event!

 

[soulofLC]

My sister is famous for doing that SoulofLC. But I always consider where the action/comment comes from. A person I don't like and wished I could remove her out of my life.

Yes, my youngest brother is the one, and you are right. consider the source. He is a bigger mess than me because he won't face up to his problems. Good point to remember. Hard sometimes tho, because he is in the "inner circle" (inner sanctum might be more to the point) and even has bullied my dad into letting him control family finances, which at one point were substantial. Poof!

Sorry for going on, my symptoms are really bad right now, as you can probably tell.

 

[soulofLC]

Which reminds me, uh, I think I better do something nice for myself today. Take a walk, do some yoga, clean house, make art...anything to make me feel better.

The support here is amazing though. I am so thankful to have this safe place to go. Thanks to all of you for the feedback!

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

The Most Basic Fear

Our first encounter with fear comes in infancy, when we literally cannot survive without the goodwill of our caretakers. This helplessness creates abandonment terrors that some people never outgrow. We humans are tribal animals, and the idea of being cut off from the support and affection of those we love and depend on can be almost unbearable. That makes fear abandonment on of our most potent, pervasive and easily triggered fears.

Wow does this comment hit home with me.

 

[Loloma]

Sandra once again I recognise this. Maybe that is part of what I'm going through now. He cut off the support and affection whilst still in the marriage, but he was still present physically.

I've stopped the contact with him for the sake of my sanity, now have to deal with the abandonment issues that come from it. This has happened twice and I have learnt that you can be abandoned even while you are in a relationship. It comes in many forms,.

 

[soulofLC]

Same happened to me Loloma. I didn't realize it at the time, just became very depressed and blamed myself for being unhappy! It has happened twice where I couldn't function after the relationship ended; one was a relationship of 3 years with a man I loved very much, and very sudden with traumatic drama, and the other my last divorce, also very sudden and with absolutely shocking insensitivity on his part.

My first divorce was extremely difficult, and sent me into therapy in the aftermath, but I functioned; I didn't shut down. I don't know why the difference, except perhaps I was prepared for the first break because I am the one that wanted it...couldn't tolerate the status quo, and so had a long time to prepare myself emotionally for it. But he too abandoned me long before the relationship ended physically; I think it was so toxic that I was actually better off with his emotional "absence." Still hard. I know it affected my parenting, which is one reason I finally got out; the other reason was to preserve what sanity I had left.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

The events and feelings we experienced as children are alive and within us and often reappear when there is turmoil and stress. Though the adult part of ourselves may know that these things took place decades ago, to the part inside all of us that is not adult, it's as though they happened yesterday. Emotional memory can keep us locked into old ways of fearful acting and reacting, even when there's nothing in our current reality to justify the fear.

 

[Anna]

Wow... you described my mother with all that emotional blackmail stuff. Scary, she does not even realise she is doing it either. People tell me to ignore it, but it sure can be hard sometimes.

 

[Sandra]

From the same book.

Fear flourishes in the dark, unexamined but vividly imagined. Our bodies and the primitive parts of our brains read it as a reason to run away, and often that's what we do, avoiding what we fear because deep inside we believe that's the only way to survive. In fact as you will see, our emotional well-being depends on doing just the opposite-facing and confronting what we fear the most.