How A Person Emotional Blackmails People

[simplekindofgirl]

SoulofLC- He does feel guilty, and I don't know that he should or not. Somedays he is a major contributor to my problems, other days not. It is quite a long story and for the sake of not making him look like a big jerk here and because he really is not one, I will only say that I was already suffering when I met him. And he knew it and proceeded to lie to me for sometime about his position in life- while we have since moved forward, there are still things that trigger my issues with him having lied. We are going through one of those phases.

I have asked him to join here as a supporter- he doesn't have much time- work. In fact he works so much that I told him last weekend that if he checked his emails even once I was going home. It is bad enough that I am here (near Frankfurt) for him 6500 miles away from home while he leaves me here to work in Munich- which he can not drive it daily. I come here and wait for the weekend and I get 2 days of his time- and yes, I tend to get a bit miffed when he spends even a part of 1 of those 2 days working. Especially when we are going through this phase. I will ask him again though- and I will let him know that you suggested it. Maybe if someone else is suggesting it he might actually listen. Probably not- but if I do not try then it is guaranteed that nothing changes. At least an attempt opens up the possibility of change.

Thanks SoulofLC- my inner demons are getting the best of me lately. (((HUGS)))

 

[Sandra]

Sad for their sake SoulofLC since it's obvious they aren't happy and don't love themselves.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I should add- I have thought many times of ending it. Still do from time to time. I do not have a ring on my finger, which would change things and leaving would not be something I would even consider under these circumstances since I would have to make that commitment with all of this behind us. But still, I imagine it- Just- boom, gone, over.

But in reality, I do love him. He is kind, and he is caring, and he has been good to me. It is just that the mistake that he made was so ultimately ginormous that it has been a barrier between us for more than 4 years. And these triggers, some of them are not his fault, but some of them surely are.

It is never easy. I finally found a guy, a genuinely good guy who messed up big time. But he is the first to actually love me just the way that I am, without blackmail, without fists, and without physical and sexual abuse. It is terribly hard not to be the victim when you are indeed the victim.

 

[soulofLC]

((((HUGS)))) back to you simplekindofgirl. Just remember you can't take responsibility for his efforts or lack thereof to seek support for himself. Like Sandra said, he has to want it himself. I can relate to the inner demons...mine came back last night in a torrent of upsetting dreams. I am so glad to have this place to come to this morning to feel connected and get loving support from such people as you.

 

[soulofLC]

I should add- I have thought many times of ending it.

I am so sorry. I hear you. Sounds like you are in a difficult situation. May you have the strength to resolve it to your benefit. I am sending all of the good energy I can muster...

 

[simplekindofgirl]

(((SoulofLC))) That is the struggle. Inner demons. I am so sorry that you had a bad night. I wish that I could take away your pain.

I wish that you knew how beautiful I think you guys/gals are. Having the courage to fight your condition, having the strength to come here and share your experiences. Having the compassion to share it with people like me. I am sorry that you have to be here, but I am also glad that you are. Because I don't know how I would make it if I had to face this thing alone. And alone is how I have felt for far too long.

I wish my significant other would join, truly, I do. I just do not believe that he will. He just does not have, or does not make time.

Hugs.

 

[soulofLC]

Sad for their sake SoulofLC since it's obvious they aren't happy and don't love themselves.

Yes, he sucked what he could get from me; perhaps he couldn't get it any other way. Sad, yes. Sadder that I sat by and let him because I still loved him and couldn't see, or didn't want to see, what was happening. But that was too much love to give away...I needed to save some for me. Now, I am left to learn to love myself again, in spite of what I put myself through.

 

[soulofLC]

(((SoulofLC))) That is the struggle. Inner demons. I am so sorry that you had a bad night. I wish that I could take away your pain.

Thanks simplekindofgirl, by being here and responding, you do take away some of my pain. The feelings of being so alone are greatly lessened by being here with you guys. Thank you for sharing and just being here. And take care of yourself. That is the best thing you can do. Same goes for me!!!!

 

[Sandra]

I can so relate to ending the relationship with my late husband. He was terrible at trying to blackmail me into thinking that I was the one with all of his problems. And constantly blamed me for being the alcoholic and I don't even drink it. And he was so bad for a while trying to force me to drink along with him. Well I guess he finally got the message I wasn't going to do that. By that time he was drinking about 30 ounces a day of rye whisky. I have no idea what he was hiding behind his drinking for, since he would never talk about his past. And look where he ended up because of all of these problems that he wasn't willing to face.

 

[Sandra]

Yes, he sucked what he could get from me; perhaps he couldn't get it any other way. Sad, yes. Sadder that I sat by and let him because I still loved him and couldn't see, or didn't want to see, what was happening. But that was too much love to give away...I needed to save some for me. Now, I am left to learn to love myself again, in spite of what I put myself through.

Love can be so blind at times. I have done the same thing myself. Thankfully I finally had to courage to throw him and his blame etc out the door. As the saying goes, you can take yourself down but you aren't taking me with you.

 

[soulofLC]

I am so amazed at your strength and courage. You resisted his demands and stood your ground in spite of the pressure. Why are men often the last to seek help for their problems and self-medicate? I am sorry you are left to pick up the pieces, but sounds like you are on the right track to take care of yourself. The book excerpts you have posted are amazing; I need to get it. I too feel like I was blamed and blackmailed down to the last period on the divorce decree.

 

[Sandra]

This sure turned out to be a deep thread, more then I thought it was going to.