Questioning The Relationship With My Mother

[maddog]

Ayesha, you are certainly wise beyond your years. The fact that you have come so far towards self discovery and processing of your life at such a young age speaks volumes for the potential you have ahead of you. It's a long rough road, but you have youth and courage and wisdom and insight to carry you over it.

Interesting to think about the undiagnosed mental illness in our families. To my knowledge I am the first and only person within my family to seek any sort of mental health intervention, but I truly believe that both of my parents and both siblings would meet diagnostic criteria for various illnesses/disorders. It's that complex nature/nurture interplay again isn't it.

As for confronting your mother? Oh mate, only you will know if and when the time is right for that to happen. I think it's not something that can or should be done prematurely, or until it feels right for you, remembering that this is about you, and validating your needs, not anyone else's.

Would like to write more, plan to later.

Maddog

 

[mamachick]

I don't think it is your responsibility to reach her, only if and when you desire to do so and have some benefit from it. Your mother blaming you for treating your step father badly is unreasonable, I know you dont remember, but even if you had treated him awful, you were a child, she was the adult. When step family is not blending, it is the parents responsibility to discover why, to find out why a child is so unhappy, why they are lashing out.

It sounds like she was very influenced by your step father. Was she more attentive to your needs before he was in the picture? I can relate a little to your mom in that I was married young to an abusive man and then married a man that was extremely calm (boring), distant, even neglectful. He was a good financial provider but not much else. I refused to allow my marriage to fail --again-- for many years, then I had to get out because I was aware that my daughters would come to expect little in the way of companionship and emotional support thru my modeling. I married him Im sure because he was so safe after being abused, but I felt neglected again...just as in childhood. The good thing was that I got to learn a lot about myself and grow during the years of marriage, and have a good relationship with my daughters.

I agree with maddog, you will know when and if the time is right. Right now, you are doing the right thing by focusing on yourself and healing, and leaning on others that are here for you. Your husband sounds like a very good support for you.

"We are changed by what happens to us, but we can refuse to be reduced" Maya Angelou

"The things that have happened to you do not define you, you are much more than your circumstances'Brat

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It sounds like she was very influenced by your step father. Was she more attentive to your needs before he was in the picture?

No, she was very depressed and ill. She has crohn's disease. When my stepfather came into the picture it turned into ill and...my stepfather influenced of how awful I was. Then suddenly I was treated more as being lazy, selfish and difficult. I was ill and yes probably difficult being untreated, but never helped. My stepfather is actually a doctor. And he as lied many times about my own medical conditions, to try and make me look...like I am being more difficult. He's just a cold person. He was never abusive, but God, he did so much silent and mentally damage. He was so good at making me look like a problem instead of a human with feelings.



Lots to think of...

Oh and I forgot. What you said about your 2nd husband sounds a lot like my mother's. But unlike you, I can't see my mother growing or learning of herself.

 

[mamachick]

Honestly, my second husband was not a great step father. I hoped that they would bond more. He was 30 when we got married and he did not have any children, so he didnt really know what to do with her. I should have known, when we were dating and she was 8, she wanted a barbie car for her birthday, but he came over all proud with a clock radio he got at the bank as a free gift for rolling a CD over. LOL. What a disappointment. I gave him directions on getting the Barbie car when he asked. He was a little better with our next 2 daughters, only because of starting from scratch I think, getting pooped on early helps. Just not too warm. Socially inept. Does not know how to initiate contact or empathize, or consider what others might need.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have been writing a lot about my child sexual abuse on the MySexAbuse forum. And once again, I find myself very angry with my mother and questioning the relationship.

 

[mamachick]

I am sorry for this difficult time, and can understand your anger. (((hugs))))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My mother sent me an email on facebook, where she has a idea for what she wants to give my grandparents for there 50th wedding anniversary. She said in the email that she wants my support of her idea. "So I am asking [ My aunt] and now you to encourage him to take me up on the offer ( please call him)..."

Her idea is one of the most stupidest I have ever heard of.

She wants to "babysit" my grandmother while my grandfather goes on vacation to wherever he wants. She actually said "babysit". That is so insulting to my grandmother, who is ill and does not like to travel but she is not an invalid. She is more active then my mother is.

The biggest problems with her idea are...

1. My mother is telling everyone what to do. And not giving them much choice. This is wrong and manipulative.
2. My mother is insulting people and stepping on their toes while she does it.
3. My mother and my grandmother do not even get along.
4. My grandfather wont leave my grandmother anyway.
5. My grandmother does not get along with my stepfather.
6. She is trying to put me in the middle because my grandmother values my views.

There are lots of things I probably do not know about their relationship. But I have already made up my mind. I am going to tell my mother that I think it is a bad idea and I want nothing to do with it.

If she wants reasons I will give her the ones above. With a highlight on my mother and grandmother do not get along.

And instead of emailing her back on facebook, which I think is a childish way of dealing with bigger issues; I will call her.

End of drama.

 

[mamachick]

Good for you Ayesha. You sound like the voice of reason. It sounds like a bad idea to me as well, very insulting.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thanks brat17. I have noticed in the last few months I have become more assertive and more reasonable in my decisions.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Ayesha)))
You are amazing and very wise and inspiring. I have read every post and I so appreciate your honesty and courage in sharing your painful growing up years. You have said to rant and so I will

I know my mom was a alcoholic. But mental illness, now I begin to wonder. Mabe so. She took all of her secrets with her. She was killed in an airplane crash when I was 19. I really loved my mother and I do not know why. She treated me horribly. I so wanted a hug from her.

I am the product of a date rape, and she was forced to marry him. I found out about this when I was in the 4th grade. My family was full of hate for each other. My mom never told me anything about her childhood.

I think she hated and blamed me for ruining her life. I think I was a constant reminder of her bad beginnings with her marriage.

She loved the other 3 kids born later on. I was the family slave and scapegoat. But I loved her so much. I needed her so much. I hated my dad because he would beat us. He would rage on us. But she turned a blind eye. She never protected us in any way. I always wondered why she had to die so young and it was'nt my dad.

But after going to therapy, I see how lucky I was that she went first. She would've messed with my recovery. I was so desperately needy for any crumb from her. I hated her for years. She was a rogue mother to me.

I really think she hated me. Her rare moments of kindness to me, only confused me. The only thing I can think of is that I bonded to her, my abuser. She treated me like a slave to serve her. I thought she was so beautiful, and she would buy me ugly clothes with the ugliest colors, while she bought herself such beautiful things.

I worshipped her. I will have to write about this one alot, I do not understand why I loved her so much. I had so many conflicts with her. When I was sick, she had no mercy or compassion. She was so cold, she wanted me to get tough and accept the cold hard facts of life.

I really needed my mom. I do not understand why I loved her so much. She was so toxic to me.

I had to cut off my family from me. I do not know if I could have done that with my mom. There was nothing real there for me. The more she pushed me away the more I loved and needed her. I was really desperately needy for her in my life. I was nothing to her. Your life story really brought up alot for me..I thank you. I will need to journal about this. thank you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Once they found a sexual chat I had been having with a man. They were angry with me and I just sat there and said “ I don’t know” a lot. I was treated like I was a very bad kid.

I am realizing how wrong this is. They should have been upset with the men. They should have realized it was wrong for a grown man to be talking sexually to a 13 year old. They should have realized it was abuse and got me help.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Something I have noticed about my mother...

She is growing. I do not know how much or when it will stop but she is growing and learning. I do not know how far this new knowledge of hers will reach.

While she grows...

I will be patience with her, but firm. I will not be sucked into family drama. I will not be forced to take sides. I will focus on my health and my own family ( my husband and our cats).

I still question the relationship and wonder how healthy it is, but I will just sit on the side lines. While she grows and learns, I will sit in the background and watch. With reservations, yes, but with patience.

Watching and waiting...