Invalidation: The Root Of All Evil?

[soulofLC]

Junebug...hmmm, I am vegatarian, broke, and love the image of a "hill of beans." :D An endless hill....

Not to minimize what you are feeling, Junebug.

Some people are not capable of love or loving behavior. It may come in little spurts, but the overall takehome is not feeling cared for one bit.

I just had a revelation about my own family, my mom and dad's "favorites" that I wrote about in my trauma diary. I was nobody's favorite, although I was just as deserving as my brothers.

While it is painful still, I realize there are many reasons, but no excuses. My place in the family, (middle child), who I looked like (neither dad or mom) my personality (quiet loner, reader). And easily aroused and "excitable" as my dad would call it; easily angered. I feel like I was probably dealing with PTSD way back then.

These are the logical things, the things I know intellectually. It is still illogical emotionally. They brought their own bag of troubles to the table. It was just too big of a table of :poop: for me and still is.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh, no worries Soul, after having to cut ties years ago I'm used to it, not a ~different revelation to me. But I'm sorry for your experiences. :(

I suppose there is a difference between 'acceptance' vs 'validation'.

 

[soulofLC]

Yes, I might have cut the bonds had it not been for grandchildren and my children's interaction with my parents.

I did, for the most part, cut ties with them when I got married. Kapoot. Wish I could have left it at that.

Acceptance vs validation? As in accepting your place in the family and not needing/wanting validation?

 

[Tinyflame]

Accepting people for who they are and not requesting or expecting validation from those who can't or don't give it.
Then you can cut ties or not as you choose, but seems to me why put yourself through it.
As they say, if you do, you or the other person or both probably has left already.

 

[soulofLC]

Wise Junebug.

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

This has been a moving thread to read. I have been in therapy for 3 years, and it seems like I have faced everything except one crucial issue. My validation problem. Basically I had forgiven my father for the physical abuse I endured as a child, but at 35, on Christmas Day, he tried to attack me. So now I am 38, and I haven't spoken to either my mother or father since. Basically, I had a lot of surpressed memories, and through therapy, I can now remember how bad it really was. I understand how much my childhood has negatively affected my life. And now that I am aware of this, I just cannot imagine ever having contact with my parents again. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who all experienced my father's rath. I get varied reactions such as, "Mom said she was sorry, why can't you just forgive them" and "They did the best they could."etc.

I get along with my siblings and really want to have a relationship with them. The attack when I was 35 put me in a very bad state. I was suicidal as all of the repressed memories flooded my mind. Beyond the abuse, they don't seem to get how bad I feel now. And they keep pushing me to reconcile. Is anyone in this situation? Is it possible to have a relationship with your siblings and not with your parents without any drama? Any advice how to sort this out? I bascially see this as my biggest obstacle to recovery.

 

[Tinyflame]

I believe that would be possible- in fact very possible- but it's dependent on your siblings respecting your needs and boundaries, they don't have to understand. It, however, doesn't affect your relationship with them, provided they respect your choice.

If you get along that well, I would explain to them exactly what you said here.
Best wishes, I hope they do!

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

"it's dependent on your siblings respecting your needs and boundaries, they don't have to understand. It, however, doesn't affect your relationship with them, provided they respect your choice."

Thanks Junebug. I guess I know that my mother will start to drum up a lot of drama. She will take the opportunity to play the victim, so I am not expecting things to go well. That's just the problem. Do I take that step? I live in another country, so basically distance has kept the peace. The rest of the family gathers for the holidays while I am here with my spouse. I would like to move home someday. And hopefully spend time with my siblings (who all live near my parents). Or perhaps I should just move on, "cut them loose" so to speak. I just wondered if there was anyone out there who managed to be happy on their own?

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I think if your relationships with your siblings are positive, of course keep and nurture them, for them as well as you. You can still (respectfully) disagree about anything (including the type of interaction you each have with your mom).

Perhaps don't think more about the future but let it unfold.
But you can discuss or not whatever you feel comfortable about with your siblings.
Unfortunately, we can never control others' reactions and they may not be supportive. But hopefully someone will be, for you.
xox

 

[maddog]

This thread and its contents in recent days couldn't be more timely, or more painful, for me right now.

I have spent the past several days staying with my brother, attempting to salvage something from our relationship, attempting to understand where it all went wrong or how two siblings who shared the hell we shared, and who once stood together, could have turned on each other the way we have... the way I didn't even realise we had.

I believe that relationship is gone forever. My brother, the one member of my family for whom I felt some affection and closeness, the one who somehow stood as the last thread of my belief in the ability to love and to be loved, told me last night that the money promised to him by my parents was more important to him than any ongoing relationship with me.

There, I've said it.

I used to think that the abuse and brutality of my parents hurt and destroyed me more than anything else in the world.

Now... I don't know.

Maddog

 

[soulofLC]

I used to think that the abuse and brutality of my parents hurt and destroyed me more than anything else in the world.

Now... I don't know.

Oh maddog, I am so sorry. That hurts me so bad, it brings tears to my eyes. I am in similar situation with my brothers and my parent's money. It is hard to understand how our own flesh and blood can turn into strangers when it comes to money. My heart goes out to you. We deserve better, so much more. I wish peace and understanding for us both.

 

[workingwithc-ptsd]

My brother, the one member of my family for whom I felt some affection and closeness, the one who somehow stood as the last thread of my belief in the ability to love and to be loved, told me last night that the money promised to him by my parents was more important to him than any ongoing relationship with me. maddog

Okay, I really don't get people. Hearing this just makes me wonder about what it means to be human. Firstly I am so sorry for you maddog. Really, I am speechless. But really, I am angry for you. I mean, why the hell can't we be angry sometimes. It feels so taboo. I think your brother has betrayed you. And I understand you because it is one thing to deal with an abusive parent. I don't love my father because there never was any reason to. But that your own brother can turn against you unprovoked, just for money. How can he live with himself?

Just remember that we are here for you. Many of us on this forum have been betrayed by a loved one or parent. We were beaten when we should have been protected and loved, and we were hurt by those who should have had our best interest in mind. You are not alone, and we won't let you down. Hang in there! We are here whenever you need us.