My Boyfriend Won't Touch Me And Its Driving Me Crazy!

[Iwanttolovehim]

I feel so selfish for posting this thread but its something that I trully need help dealing with because as of right now... I'm so unsure of everything!

Ok so heres the low down, my boyfriend and I both suffer from PTSD, however the boyfriends symptoms are much more uncontrolled than mine and this coupled with cronic pain he's an emotional wreck 90% of the time which I completely understand!

But in the last 3 months it seems like now he just doesn't want to do anything when it comes to me! He sits on the other couch, he doesn't come to bed when I do, he doesn't touch me as much as he used to and most of all we haven't had sex in 3 months! I know that hes in pain a lot of the times, and I am not asking for sex so much as I am asking for intimacy! When I talk to him about it, he used to get really defensive and angry, now he's upset and crying!

I just feel like I don't please him anymore, or that I am not attractive to him anymore! Am I crazy, how does someone deal with the need for intimacy when the person the love can't offer it to them... I am so frustrated with my thoughts.

Any suggestions?

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Iwanttolovehim, this is so hard. I do not know if you are like I am now with my PTSD. Before I was diagnosed, if my (then) husband had been sitting on another couch I would have gone over and crawled all over him until he was forced to pay attention to me. He was disabled, in pain, but he still tolerated me this way, even with his PTSD.

But now, I am not with him, I have a significant other and PTSD. Both are equally confusing to me. If my significant other sit on the opposite couch, I will sit there and watch him thinking the same things that you do- he doesn't love me, I don't feel connected to him, we don't have sex, we don't hug, etc. But for whatever reason, probably the fact that I just have not found that peace yet, I feel like he doesn't want me to. Maybe because he sat on the other couch, maybe because its a wednesday, maybe because the wind is blowing north. But I just can not get off of the couch and go and even try to crawl on him. I sit, and wait- and wait, and then feel worse when nothing changes. Maybe it is the fear of rejection- if I crawl on him and he pushes me away- that might be enough to send me down that long spiraling path.

What have you tried?

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Simple, I haven't tried much... I am too scared to! I have issues reguarding abuse and a lot of fear that it will all happen again! He gets this look on his face, I know hes just in pain, but my mind plays tricks and tells me that hes angry at me, that he wants to yell at me! So i do eveything I can to completely avoid any confrontation! In the mean time thinking to myself that I have destroyed my chances at ever being able to show him love again! He knows how I feel, that much I have told him, but its too hard for me to just go to him and "crawl" all over him! This is so horrible, I have never had issues like this before! Why now?

 

[simplekindofgirl]

When I read your initial post in this thread, I knew that we would be kind of on the same page that way. Not being able to do it (based on past experiences, not to mention the ptsd part), and not knowing why we can't. It gets bad for me just laying in bed too, when he rolls over and gives me his back, when all I want him to do is hold me even if it is only for a few minutes, and when he doesn't- I can't find a voice to ask him to do so with. Is it like that for you too?

How does your guy respond to letters, or emails, or something along those lines? I am tempted to suggest trying that, but then I think, well I could try that but my significant other would not understand that. He would just get annoyed saying that he is a person and that I can just ask. He doesn't understand that I really cannot say anything. I want to, and I will even go so far as breathing in and opening my mouth to say it, then nothing. I close my mouth and lay there feeling empty, and alone. Maybe I will try and would suggest to try an email though.

I don't know. Lol. We are in the same boat I suppose. What have you thought of trying? I need help too- I will brainstorm with you! ;)

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Hi Ladies,

Although I am the supporter to my husband with PTSD, I suffer with abandonment and rejection issues as a result of my father and first marriage.

Many nights I lie in bed next to my husband thinking of what to say and do in order to get him to notice me. I've talked with him about the sex and he claims it has nothing to do with me, but due to his trauma (sexual, physical, and emotional). He says if he initiates something that he just feels dirty and shameful. As far as the intimacy, he is generally depressed, without any hope or happiness to share.

My therapist says that on the bad days sitting with him on the couch, holding hands watching TV is about all he can offer me, but on the good days I try and build up the momentum with romantic, suggestive messages which hopefully lead to the intimacy and sex.

Wishing you both luck with your guys and feelings of intimacy.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

It gets bad for me just laying in bed too, when he rolls over and gives me his back, when all I want him to do is hold me even if it is only for a few minutes, and when he doesn't- I can't find a voice to ask him to do so with. Is it like that for you too?

Oh Simple... its exactly like that for me! I too draw in a breath to say something and it gets caught and I swallow it, or I go to suggestively touch him and I withdraw! He asks me what my problem is all the time because he is sensing that I have something on my mind, but I cannot come out with words to say to him! I feel selfish for wanting what I want! I have written so many letters I cannot even count and you know what... I even chicken out of giving those to him! Although I have left a couple out in the open and I believe he has read them because thats the kind of guy he is, he can't not look at something thats left out in the open! Its very frustrating because it comes down to him thinking about it, being sort of into it, then like a switch hes off, he wants nothing to do with me, and hes off on a cleanign tirade or taking something mechanical apart, or just plainly goes to the TV!!!

I used to be so good at being "sexy" and persuasive and now I'm like an awkward teenager who hasn't a clue how to initiate anything!!! I hate to say it but I'm starting to feel anger about it! I have needs too is what I find myself screaming in my head sometimes!!!

Ps Hopeful in Love, thanks for the luck... at this point I feel I need all I can get!

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Iwanttolovehim- I just did that (again)- wrote a letter and left it somewhere in which it could be found, I know that he read it, but he has not said a word. Not a word. He goes into his office and would rather sort mail, read a magazine, or play angry birds (he doesn't have 3 stars on every level and he must, must, must!) Recently, (when he is here) I started just going to bed- and I give him the back treatment. This way at least I am in control of it, or so I tell myself. But deep down, I know I am just avoiding the feeling of being rejected yet again.

I used to be so good at being "sexy" and persuasive and now I'm like an awkward teenager who hasn't a clue how to initiate anything!!! I hate to say it but I'm starting to feel anger about it!

Exactly! I could have written those exact words to describe myself! And the more I try to get myself to tell him, the harder it seems to be.

Thanks Hopeful in love.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Iwanttolovehim- thanks for starting this thread. I know that these issues are really tough, but I do take comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Even if it is hard. At least there is someone else out there (more than one as it turns out) that understands and can say, this does happen and it is not just you.

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Simple, we definately are two of a kind because whenever my mind has reach its "enough" point, I try to do exactly what he does, but in turn I just end up sick to my stomach trembling in the bathroom all alone with him wondering whats going on! He told me that he thinks I need to see a T again!!! I tried to expalin to him that I have been but for not the reasons he thinks! I'm not a shy girl, I know how to speak my mind or at least I used to be! How did I get so weak? I have no idea how to get the old me back and its breaking me inside! I love my BF so much and just want to express it but feel like I would be crossing a line if I just do it! Someone, somewhere must have some ideas for us..... anyone? I am willing to try anything!!!!!

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

GRRRRRRR!!! Lastnight he point blankly told me that he felt great... yet he chose to watch TV til 4 am instead of joining me in our bed!!!! So frustrated right now.. I just don't know what to do! Is there something worng with me?:mad:

 

[winterwishes_4_summerkisses]

There is nothing wrong with you. It's him...trust. :confused: My BF is the same way. We can lay side by side and...NOTHING for months. OMG. He doesn't get aroused. This is driving me insane. I feel so unattractive. And, when he finally decides that he wants to become intimate he will not look me in my eyes in the heat of the moment. For a minute I was thinking...is it my breath :eek: or something... lol. It's not that, at all. :roflmao: He finishes and we french kiss, and goes to sleep. Nothing more for another 2 or 3 months. Same routine.

 

[midnightlady871]

I have a boyfriend with PTSD. We use to date about 5 yrs ago and we now have re-kindled what we had. What I was hoping to be better than the first time is also frustrating to me as to you. We do connect better this time around but he gets closed off sometimes. I've tried talking to him about his PTSD and he tells me I'm making it worse. One minute he is good and wanting to be with me the next he's not. I'm scared also to be affectionate with him or if it's the right time to do so. When all I want to do is hole him or his hand lay my head in his lap and him stroke my hair or me rub his back while lying in my lap and watching TV.

Sex is not everything but intimacy is you have to have that in any kind of relationship. We have only been together this time for about 3 months. I thought talking to him and being honest about my concerns would help but now I'm scared to talk to him about it at all. I'm slowly learning to wait on him and be patient with him. He also has times he would just rather be alone in his own thoughts. He says he don't know how to interact with people now that he is not good with people now. When people has always been his thing. He use to entertain people with stand up comic. Watching TV or piddling around the house is all he does now.

I don't want him to crowd into a shell and just be there and die. I don't want him to close him self off thinking that people will make fun of him or he is embarrassed or they just don't understand him. He doesn't get out anymore because he can't drive his whole arm goes to sleep at the wheel and his neck has a lot of pain and he can't take long trips. He is such a funny sweet and caring person always asking if I'm OK and stuff. He has not seek-ed help from the VA hospital yet. His PTSD is from the war and sometimes he goes days without sleep of course going without sleep for anyone is hard enough much less having to deal with other stuff bothering you.

I'm doing my best not to push him to much. My question to you what kind of PTSD do you have where did you get yours from was it from the war. I'm afraid there is gonna be a lot of men and woman who are going to have to deal with this type stuff here soon sense they all came home from the war. Just pray about it and ask God what to do that is what I'm doing and be patient with him I'm trying myself but it is hard. I want to help so much all I want to do is love him through this all. I want to love him though it...and hoping one day he will get over it. I'm scared if he doesn't get help then he will get worse. So I need help and support because also I'm beginning to fall in love with him. What do I do? He knows God and that is a good thing and a good start to it all.