Paranoia Patterns

[angel2write]

"Nobody loves me. Everyone on the forum hates me. People are watching me. People hate me. I should move, run, flee, stop talking, erase everything I've written, disappear..."

I hate feeling like this. But I am at least beginning to recognize that there is a pattern. Something is causing it. I've gotten triggered or stressed somehow, and the paranoia has appeared again.

It makes me feel like everyone is angry at me. Even people I thought were my friends. I read into their posts (or their silence) this hidden message: "We don't like you. Go away." People joke around and I feel like they are deliberately excluding me. Talking around me. They hate me.

Everything I read on here seems threatening somehow. I feel like people are judging me or avoiding me. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth sounds stupid. Every feeling I have is wrong. I am disgusting. No one will ever like me again.

I hate this feeling because it seems to erase every past success, every future promise. My insides seem to hurt. I feel like the slug that got salted.

Then, a day or two, or even a few days later, the cloud lifts. And I feel ok again. And all the posts I read that seemed so threatening seem ordinary. Or even friendly. People I thought were avoiding me or hating me call or write. Life seems livable again. I go through a little confident time where I think I have lots of friends and people like me and I'm making a positive impact on the world...

.........until paranoia strikes again.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I recognise those feelings only too well.

And I've been on the recieving end of them too. But not just from people with ptsd.

I'm glad you shared it, its good to feel I'm not alone :)

 

[maddog]

Yes Angel, I too can relate most painfully, and have been lamenting this same form of irrational obsession very very recently. Right now it's in my real world existence that I have fallen prey to this obsessive preocccupation with others' perceived hatred and rejection of me, and just as you have, I have concluded that somewhere there is a particular type of trigger that starts this slide... I just haven't figured out what it is yet.

It is horrifically lonely and distressing though, and even that faint persistent voice in your head that reminds you it's probably not true, really can't make itself heard over the clamour of the pain and paranoia.

For what it's worth, I honestly can't think of a single instance in which you haven't been compassionate, perceptive and supportive on this forum, and I have never once felt that anyone would have had cause, much less any intent, to ostracise you in any way. So try to at least take on board a little of what I and others say when I say that your belongingness here is never in doubt, and your feelings, while very real, do not reflect the reality of the situation.

I'm sorry you have to feel this way, but glad you can share it... I think that perhaps that's really important.

Maddog

 

[freakofnurture]

I get paranoid, too, and sometimes about the forum. It's extremely unpleasant, but as you say, it eventually goes away.

I'm trying to not listen so much to those outbursts of negative feeling. They're really like clouds that hide the sun and the sky, without actually touching them. It's distorted vision, impaired judgement. Life didn't change, people didn't change, my progress didn't vanish; it's just that I can't see it sometimes. Then I try to act like I still can.

 

[angel2write]

Yeah- trying to think of the feelings as "not real." Trying not to interact with them & remind myself that they are going to go away soon.

Challenging this feeling seems scarier than some of the others. Hard work.

Every time I went to visit someone or have a play date or whatever, my mom would give me this lecture on the way out the door on "how not to be a bother." Don't talk too much. Don't ask for things. If they start to fix dinner, leave. Don't stay for food. Blah blah blah... don't be a bother.

I get in this paranoia funk and I just think I'm bothering everybody. I feel like I'm bothering you just by writing this. Telling myself you don't have to read it if you don't want to doesn't seem to help much.

I get paranoid, too, and sometimes about the forum. It's extremely unpleasant, but as you say, it eventually goes away.

It seems like a lot of people do. It's one of the central themes I read in pretty much everybody's diary from time to time.

Paranoia... bleagh.

 

[Srain]

((((((((((((((((Angel2)))))))))))))))

I can certainly relate to feelings of paranoia and not wanting to be a bother. It broke my heart to read what you had written knowing that you most likely are the least invasive personality of the bunch! Our old thoughts reach out to bite us sometimes twisting words and hammering our perception of how we fit into our lives so much that it makes it difficult to tell what is then and what is now. I know Maddog got it right about how you fit here. :)

Please know you are thought of with nothing but respect and kindness.
rain

 

[Heather]

(((((Angel))))) Add me to the list. I'm glad you are recognizing that it is a pattern and try and remember that what you are feeling is only temporary. And this too shall pass, as you pointed out it usually does.

Hugs.

 

[intothelight]

Angel,

I run into these feelings also. But I am trying something a little different.

Then, a day or two, or even a few days later, the cloud lifts. And I feel ok again. And all the posts I read that seemed so threatening seem ordinary. Or even friendly. People I thought were avoiding me or hating me call or write. Life seems livable again. I go through a little confident time where I think I have lots of friends and people like me and I'm making a positive impact on the world...

.........until paranoia strikes again.

The next time the paranoia strikes, write down your thoughts and feelings at that point in time. Keep a copy of what you just wrote handy. Then try to identify where your thoughts and feelings are being distorted and actually put it on the paper. Then start thinking different thoughts immediately.

For example...X hasn't called in two weeks. She must really be sick of me. I am such a loser I can't blame her for not calling, etc. etc.

Instead...X hasn't called in two weeks. She must be really busy. I should probably touch base with her and see if things are going alright.

I know this sounds a lot easier being written than it is in practice. Just an example of some of the self-help CBT techniques I have been using. Thing is, it is going to take a while as there are a lot of "worthless" messages to overcome, but they are floating in from the past and have no place in the present or reality.

Hope this helps.
Deb

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Angel I so relate and share the same feelings. ((((Angel))))

Deb...wonderful advice!

 

[angel2write]

...knowing that you most likely are the least invasive personality of the bunch! ...Please know you are thought of with nothing but respect and kindness.

Considering how much of the time I feel like an intrusive, obnoxious raving lunatic, this was really nice to hear. Thank you.

The next time the paranoia strikes, write down your thoughts and feelings at that point in time... try to identify where your thoughts and feelings are being distorted and actually put it on the paper. Then start thinking different thoughts immediately.

I will try to do this. I've just started trying to create counter-statements to some thoughts & emotions. So I will try it with this. Maybe I can at least figure out some of the things that set it off. It's so hard to challenge!

 

[maddog]

Ah, good old CBT/rational emotive behavioural stuff. I have to say that this is where it really comes to the fore, because there's no quick or painless way through these thoughts and no way at all other than to challenge them ruthlessly and endlessly, argue against them, counter them with evidence, invalidate them into oblivion, and that takes time, and work, and a lot of mental blood sweat and tears. Or it seems to for me anyway...

Incidentally, I liked the analogy about these thoughts and feelings being like a cloud - something that doesn't actually change or alter reality, but merely blocks it out for a time so that we can't see what's behind it. Yeah, I like that.

Hugs to everyone who is taking issue with themselves today. I reckon some of the best people I know (or cyber know) are on this forum, it's so sad that so many of us just can't see it.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 1860]

That's paranoia?!?

When does it bridge over into the realm of reality?

I don't have any friends IRL or online. Logical jump from no friends to I'm hated, no?