I Don't Know How Much Longer I Plan On Doing This

[Sqweak]

I think about it a lot. More then I think the average person does, I spend a lot of time weighing the pros and cons. Am I actually going to miss something? Will people miss me? Do I really care? It happens in spurts, most days are rough but I can handle it. Then there are the really bad days. Days that I'm just short of closing my eyes and hearing my mind go silent. But something always stops me, and I don't know what it is. I think I’m just so curious that I would rather ignore my own suffering just to see how this piss poor excuse for a life naturally ends.

I'm having one of those days today, where everything I do and say is wrong and everything about my existence is a waste and I can't find a reason, to stick around. I just keep reminding myself that it'll pass and this headache from how hard I truly believe I am less then nothing will also pass. Then I'll wake up tomorrow slightly better then I was the night before and by the time the sunsets it'll start all over again.

I don't want to do this my whole life; going to bed hoping tomorrow is different and then waking up to the over whelming disappointment that It's exactly the same.

Such a waste of space

Such a waste of time…

I just don't want to do this anymore.

 

[Tina]

I don't really have any helpful words of wisdom or anything but I can that I feel the same way so your not alone.

 

[AngelaMarie]

(((Hug))). What stops you, my friend, is that there is always hope and the next day can and does get better. I am thankful about 90% of the time now that I was successful when I tried to destroy myself almost 6 years ago. When the dark moods come for me I have learned to hold on until it passes.

I care if you are around. Hang in there. I, as always, am thinking of you and wishing you the best.

 

[CPTSD]

I've struggled mightily with those same feelings and thoughts. It's horrible and painful and scary.

Then there are days when the joy I find in the simplest things make it all worthwhile. Yesterday morning I woke up, and let the dog out to do her thing. What a surprise it was, when I opened the back door, to see snow everywhere, and more snow still falling, here in a part of the world where we don't get a lot of snow. I got my coat and went out to fill the birdfeeder, and within minutes our yard was filled with flocks of hungry birds... how do they KNOW?.... I have never seen so many birds in our yard before, birds of many different species, wheeling and calling and OH what a beautiful sight it was! And then, a large flock of ROBINS came flying in from the northwest, and perched in the bare branches of our trees. I have never in my life seen so many robins! I ran and got my camera, as I called my husband, "Come and see all these ROBINS that are sitting in our trees, in the falling snow!" He was amazed, too.

Our dog came in with snow all over her back, and she stood very still while I wiped her down with a towel. Then I hugged her and petted her and rubbed her all over, to warm her. She gave me a grateful lick on my cheek. Ater that, I stood and watched out the kitchen window as flocks of Eurasian Doves and sparrows and finches and several other birds I have never seen before, gorged themselves at our feeder. After a while, I went back out and filled the birdfeeder again, and also spread several more cups of wild bird seed all over the ground, on top of the snow.

I opened the blinds and watched the snow falling, and listened to the singing chattering birds. I drank a cup of coffee, cuddled under a blanket on the sofa with our dog. I felt so happy, and very grateful to be alive, thankful for dogs, for birds, for trees, for snow, and coffee.

Elaina

 

[Srain]

Awww Sqweak, how many days I feel the same way. It's difficult to know at times what I'm missing, I just get worn out.

I got online this morning and there was this little "Sqweak" message, hadn't heard from you in quite awhile, wow, it was such a nice thing and truly touched me. :)

I think everyone got it right here, at least for me. Not being alone in how you feel, knowing that the feeling does pass, and it's those little impossibly wonderful feelings that make you just smile in your heart that all keep a person going to the next moment.

(((((((((((((((((Sqweak)))))))))))))
Sending you peaceful thoughts,
Rain

 

[timetorecover]

Your words have made me think about the times I feel the same, quite often! And then the times I don't feel so bad. They are feelings and will pass. You are here with us for a reason. You are not alone, you have support here xxx;)

 

[CPTSD]

A friend once told me "Feelings are like a carton of milk, they come with an Expiration Date."

Isn't that wonderful? Eventually, every emotion, however intractable it may seem, does pass.

Sometimes when I am feeling very low, and wishing I didn't have to go on living in such a painful life, I think about my life like a book I'm reading, or a movie I'm watching. Some books are not very enjoyable to read, and some movies are not much fun to watch, but how many times have I sat all the way through a bad movie, or read every word of a bad novel, simply because I was CURIOUS to see how it would END?

I think I will continue to stay alive, if for no other reason than because I am curious to see how it will all turn out in the end.

It may also help to make a Pro List and a Con List. Pros being the reasons you can think of for staying alive, Cons being the reasons against. My Pro-Life List is far longer and much more compelling than my Con List.

 

[CPTSD]

Once, about 23 years ago, when I was 35s, I decided to kill myself. I was half-drunk at the time, as I had mistakenly believed that drinking would ease my emotional pain. However, because alcohol is a DEPRESSANT, my alcoholic drinking only made me feel very much worse (I have now been sober 22 years and 1 month, less 2 days).

So, there I was, half-drunk, very horribly depressed, with my life in a shambles, and thinking at the age of 35 that I had lived more than long enough. I got into my little car and drove out along a deserted coastal road, with the intention of running my car at top speed off a particular sharp curve in the highway, and crashing it on a pile of very large boulders. (I was in a remote coastal area of Maine, in the USA.)

As I was approaching the dangerous curve in the highway where I intended to end my life, I pressed the gas pedal of my car all the way to the floor, I aimed head-on for the deadly boulders, and, JUST AT THAT MOMENT, a Moose stepped out of the woods, and onto the shoulder of the highway! I was so surprised! I had never seen a moose do that before! I SLAMMED HARD on my brakes, stopping my car alongside the Moose. Then I rolled my window down and stared at the great tall magestic beast, as he stood stock-still and stared back at me.

OH! What a wonderful splendid sight that wild animal was for my half-drunken eyes to see!

"I love you!" I said, drunkenly, to the Moose. At that, he slowly turned on his heel and walked back into the trees, and was gone.

"WOW! OK, now, what was I doing? ...Oh. Suicide. Hmmm..." Somehow, after seeing that unexpected, surprising sight, the thought of killing myself was no longer very appealing. This hard wonderful crazy miraculous world of ours has many fascinatating wonders in it, most of which I had not yet seen. I had just seen one of them, for the first time, and that made me want to see MORE.

I drove myself to the hospital, told them what I had been about to do, and was put in an alcohol rehab. I'm still sober, still alive, I am no longer 35, but now I am 58-going-on-59, and I swear to God, despite all the ups and downs of these past 23 years, I am SO DEEPLY THANKFUL that I have lived all these years, and I'm truly looking forward to living many years more!

Elaina

 

[tigrou465]

I can understand how you feel and all the questions you are asking yourself. I can tell you 1 thing, very important... I was 13 when my father died. He killed himself by hang himself and I found him. It was his 14 attemps in 13 years. I'm now 48 years old and I can tell you I still suffer from his act. So all I can tell is hang in there. You are worth it... Sending a huge hug to you...

 

[sparrow smith]

((((sqweak))))x1000
your never a waste of space. you have a place in this world. other wise, why do we have people?

 

[MusicLover]

I agree with you 100% & feel u Sqweak...Honestly I think about it every single day and I try to think of a way that will be successful the first time and that wont cause anyone a huge burden. I really don't know why i haven't done it yet whatever it is...maybe curiosity...has kept me here. I guess when it comes down to it I have lived through so much so I am here for a reason...I just don't know what that reason is or if I have surpassed that reason. I have a couple of friends who I can talk to when I am feeling bad and they encourage me. I never tell them my "suicidal thoughts" but I am sure they know about them...I just wont admit to them. Times are hard but maybe we can just stick to it for each other for a little while longer to see what this world has to offer? Im sorry, I am just blabbering on...

 

[CPTSD]

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD~ I wrote my previous comment on this thread, and posted it, as it shows here on my computer, at 3:28 in the afternoon today, my time. WHILE I WAS WRITING my story about a moose stepping out of the woods at the precise moment that I was about to kill myself 23 years ago, which surprised me so much that it effectively took away my desire to die~ TODAY, AT THE VERY MOMENT THAT I WROTE AND POSTED THAT TRUE STORY, my husband was in a store approximately 130 miles away, BUYING ME A LARGE STUFFED MOOSE PILLOW TOY!

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and 7 months... he has never before bought me a moose! He knows the story about how a moose sort of saved my life, because I told him that story long ago. But I haven't talked about that with him, or with anyone, in years, nor have I written about it, before today. HOW WEIRD that my husband just happened to be in a store buying me a moose, right at the very moment that I was writing about the moose that saved my life in 1989... and, my husband had no way of knowing that I was sitting here at home writing that story, while he was far away in a store buying me a moose!

This afternoon, as I was writing my moose story, I remember thinking, "I wonder if it was just a freaky coincidence that a moose stepped out of the woods at the very instant I was about to kill myself? Did God somehow cause the moose to step out of the woods right then, knowing that would stop me in my tracks from going through with my suicidal plan?"

I was thinking that my moose sighting was probably nothing more than a weird coicidence because, who am I, that God should notice me, and go to the trouble of doing something miraculous to stop me from killing myself? But now I have another Moose Coincidence. I am... really.... in shock.

THIS I KNOW IS TRUE: if MY life is worth something to God, if I am worth saving, with all my faults and all my crazy dysfunctional history, and as totally insignificant as my life is, to the rest of the world... if I matter this much, then YOU matter, too, whoever you are. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. Please do not throw it away!

Elaina