How Do I Ask For Space Without Being Rude?

[timetorecover]

I feel like I am at boiling point and the pressure is rising. I just need to get away from everyone but do not know how to say so without being or seeming rude.

I need some ideas on how to break it to my not very understanding husband and two young kids, that I need to get away, BY MYSELF!!

 

[melody]

Is there someone to watch the kids while you get away? Arrange to have a family member or close friend watch them for you so that when you tell your husband you're going, he won't be able to use that as an excuse for you to stay. Book your hotel, or wherever you're going to stay and then tell your husband this is something you are going to do, and that you're hoping he will understand. I think your kids will be okay with it, and you may find they will be more appreciative of you when you get back.

I know it will be hard, but I did it once before and whether it was the best thing for my family, I'm not sure. What I'm sure of... It was absolutely the best thing I could have done for me. :)

 

[timetorecover]

Thanks Melody :)

 

[anthony]

It is not uncommon that everyone needs a break from family, work, etc. There is also an inherit problem though within this, if you take it to an extreme of wanting it too regularly, then it could cost your relationship. You then have to play fair as well, giving your husband the same equality and let him take a night off from you and the kids, go away and do something he wants to do. You may even find with both of you doing this, you actually both come together with better attitudes.

Just don't take it to the extreme of me, me, me... otherwise you create another issue within itself.

 

[Panama Pete]

I have often wondered myself how to tell people to "Back the F*** off!" with out being rude when I feel I need some space. So far, I have not found a really good way of doing it, but I am still looking.

 

[Nicolette]

I also wonder how 'dramatic' it has to be... to me going and spending time in a hotel by oneself while in a relationship is extreme if not for an actual purpose like interstate work conference, visiting family afar etc.

What is wrong with doing something regularly for yourself which is by yourself like going for a walk, taking time to go to the library/gym/shopping or even beach? Have a day out/evening out with friends or even go catch a movie by yourself.

I agree with Anthony in that you have to play fair and also with just a change in doing something without the kids would maybe even help.

Sometimes Anthony and I just go into different rooms and I let him be and it may be letting him enjoy a movie by himself or read a book but that is a bit harder depending on the age of your children. Today for example Anthony is in his work clothes repairing the cracks in the bathroom from his learning to plaster experience and I'm in the office. We are together but each doing what we want for ourselves without putting any strain on the relationship. To me that is the key.

I think the hotel comment has really bugged me so that's why I'm offering a different perspective. If my husband starting telling me he needed to spend time alone in a hotel room it would be very hard not to read something into it if time by yourself was his only reason. That's my opinion on marriage but each to their own.

 

[Nicolette]

I have often wondered myself how to tell people to "Back the F*** off!" with out being rude when I feel I need some space.

I rarely take offense to my husband saying he needs to do something himself. I get he needs space. To me it's all in the approach and just letting others know politely that you need to be on your own for 'X' etc. Most times I get it but sometimes, if caught up in my issues I may miss the cues, but generally hear what is being asked of me. I will say that just taking off due to needing time out without any communication is actually abusive so I hope Sufferers don't do that.

To me it's hard to read that you need to tell people to "Back... off" other than thinking they are not educated on PTSD to a level which would assist you or they are not the right people to be surrounding yourself if they know and don't respect your wishes.

Sometimes it's hard like when events are planned and the PTSD monster comes out to play and sometimes it feels unfair in a relationship if one person only looks after their needs and is the one continually "needing". Relationships are work at the best of times.

Who is it you need space from Pete as I am unsure how to comment as to me it makes a difference between a friend and a spouse?

 

[Barberian]

It is pretty simple for me usually, but I don't have little ones in the house. My wife and I have an understanding that when I close my computer room door I am to be left alone.

Having short breaks now and then instead of waiting for everything to reach a boiling point helps keep my stress cup at a lower level. Instead of stressing about stress, I cut it off at the pass and just spend an hour or 5 to myself when I need it. I usually try and let the Mrs. know ahead of time what is going on so she doesn't feel cut off and ignored or I'm just being mean.

I also try and balance it later by spending some time with the Mrs. talking or trying to do something for her that she needs done that is within my limits.

 

[Nicolette]

Great approach Barberian... I'd be happy with that :tup:

 

[timetorecover]

I think the hotel comment has really bugged me so that's why I'm offering a different perspective. If my husband starting telling me he needed to spend time alone in a hotel room it would be very hard not to read something into it if time by yourself was his only reason.

Totally see your point and would be fuming if he asked for time alone in a hotel room, however, he does not get disturbed at least 4 times a night by 2 kids, nor does he have PTSD and suffer with insomnia and wake up with panic attacks.

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[Nicolette]

May I ask did you have PTSD before kids Timetorecover?

Have you and your husband discussed options & strategies for night time?

 

[Panama Pete]

Who is it you need space from Pete as I am unsure how to comment as to me it makes a difference between a friend and a spouse?

It is not person specific but situation driven, and no there is no specific situation that causes this. It is usually the accumulation of things and then the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

When "it" wants to come out then usually it is best to pull myself away from the situation in order to be able to keep it locked in it's cage. That means let me get to a place where I can be by myself and deal with it and get it firmly under control. Unfortunately in those circumstances there is not a lot someone else can do to help make the situation better, but it is easy for them to make it worse.

Bottom line, when I do see that I am reaching the limit (rare occasion but getting better at it), the best thing to do is give me the space to deal with it, right then. I can and do appreciate that others want to try and help me, but the best help they can offer at that moment is to leave me alone to deal with my inner demons. That is not to say I don't welcome help, but just not right then. This is one aspect of this condition that I have to deal with myself since it deals with self control.

Afterwards we can talk about it and discuss the triggers, warning signs, efficacy of my self control efforts, etc, but just leave me alone so I can deal with it during the episode itself. I hope that makes sense to you.

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