Complex Ptsd - Warped View Of Therapist As Bad Parent

[anthony]

Is this true? I realize that the part about the therapist within a session is not who they actually are in normal life. What I am referring to is the reference to ... every therapist is trained to basically give the client a false representation that they also care about them as a person, because it is this representation that allows the client to then release their vulnerabilities. It’s all false... but a requirement for the client to feel comfortable and talk openly.

Your interpretation of my statement is incorrect. It is not a false representation like an abuser, it is vastly nothing the same.

A therapist's environment right from the start is carefully established to provide a privacy, a security, for the client. A therapist will enter like a therapy mode in therapy. It is them, it is a part of them, but it is a false environment that is intentionally established for the clients best intentions, and is proven to work.

You could try and assimilate that to an abuser if you desire, but your therapist's false environment is not one of abuse, it is a false environment to make you feel safe and allow you to open up where in other cases you would not.

You should not confuse it to an abusive environment, as it is the opposite spectrum of that.

Clients fall in love with their therapists, they think they're best friends with them and all sorts of things. Within that environment, you are best friends, but that is where it stops. A therapist by law in most countries is not allowed to mix with a client outside of therapy. Australia is two years after therapy finishes. That does not mean you can't run in to them in the shops or such, but that is where it stops. There is no dinners, lunches, outings, etc, unless they are specifically part of therapy itself.

Like doglover stated, it is a huge part of ethical conduct for a therapist because the client often feels a closeness to them, knowing their deepest, darkest secrets, vulnerabilities, etc... it is all false and not real life. It is a therapeutic environment, and it stops at the door. The therapist will act differently outside that room, you are only seeing an empathetic aspect of the person who is trying to help you, you aren't seeing the "real" them, the full them... hence it is a false environment.

Another way to put it is this. A therapist is trained to leave everything harmful, damaging and personal about themselves at the door when entering therapy with a client. They're trained to only show empathy, compassion, be non-judgemental, etc etc etc... within that relationship. It is a false relationship for the best of intention, not for abusive purposes.

Some therapists do abuse this relationships vulnerabilities within itself, by using it to sleep with patients and such, when it is entirely false beyond the therapeutic environment itself.

Doglover understands what is being said... and it really is quite complex and you have to be trained to provide therapy to understand the full complexities to a therapeutic relationship. Clients don't understand these aspects because they have no purpose to know about them beyond what they need know... as the focus is helping them, not educating them on the complexities of managing a therapeutic relationship.

 

[kapril]

Thank you for your helpful insights, Anthony. And I definitley agree that the therapeutic relationship is quite complex, and it's almost impossible for us as clients to understand it totally. I guess that's why it drives me crazy sometimes because I keep trying to figure it out. :rolleyes: There are times when the feelings in the room are so intense. I do realize that those feelings are coming from me. I guess because I usually have my radar up to detect falseness and manipulation, that I misinterpreted what you said. I do know that this relationship does work. No question about that...When I started 3 years ago I was numb and depressed. Trusting my therapist was the last thing I was going to do. I was so afraid of letting him get close to me, and many times wanted to run away.Then over time because of my therapist's presence, attentive listening, calm demeanor, consistency, genuineness, caring, and his sharing of his own struggles, along with the safety created in therapy I did trust him, and that's when therapy for me really started, and something I had unconsciously repressed for many years finally was shared. This was preceeded by months of flashbacks, flooding, dissociation, and unbelievably painful feelings. I have found the relationship to be very healing. Therapy is helping me to learn how to trust, have hope, to be able to feel, to start to regulate my feelings, to practice mindfulness and meditation as coping mechanisms, and to feel alive once again. Actually the safety that was created in session was such a critical part of my healing, and remembering the importance of this safety now sheds light on what you mean by a false environment that happens in a room in therapy.:confused:

 

[kapril]

I am struggling with some feelings, and have been all weekend...I brought up termination a week or so ago with my T, and talked how I might need that to look like. This past weekend my thoughts and feelings have been overwhelming, I feel like I am just waiting to die, passing time. I made a mistake last night to get away from my feelings, and I also sent my T a message which I'm sure was confusing. Now I don't want to go to therapy today, and I want to call him and tell him I quit. I don'think I really want to quit, but part of me wants to. Part of me wants to just run away, bail, and just get out of therapy. I absolutely hate these feelings! Sometimes I do not feel like an adult, and my behavior reflects this. So how can I make myself go to therapy this evening? :tdown:

 

[Loveneverfails]

So how can I make myself go to therapy this evening? :tdown:

I am not sure how to describe it, but I've been there so many times myself. It's terrifying to go and face your problems, to have to look them in the eye and have someone see all of them in you like your T does. But I guess what it comes down to is believing that it doesn't matter how you behave while you're there. You're there to get help and you deserve to be helped. Running doesn't solve anything, the only way out is through, as they say. Even if the only thing you feel brave enough to do is sit on that couch...showing up is half the battle. You take control in spite of the fear and believe in yourself. I have no idea if that helps, but it's what gets my behind to those appointments when I feel the urge to run. (((kapril))) You aren't alone and being afraid or possessing broken coping mechanisms doesn't make you immature or crazy. It means you're struggling. It's allowed.

 

[kapril]

Running doesn't solve anything, the only way out is through, as they say. Even if the only thing you feel brave enough to do is sit on that couch...showing up is half the battle. You take control in spite of the fear and believe in yourself. I have no idea if that helps, but it's what gets my behind to those appointments when I feel the urge to run. (((kapril))) You aren't alone and being afraid or possessing broken coping mechanisms doesn't make you immature or crazy. It means you're struggling. It's allowed.

Thanks, Loveneverfails,
If I think about just going and sitting there without thinking about what comes next, that helps. So I can do that, do the next right thing as my T has said so often, even if I am afraid, will feel stupid, like a child, etc. I do know the only way out is through, but sometimes that way out is what causes me to want to run away, even if that doesn't solve anything...It's hard to face feelings! Thanks for normalizing my feelings and broken coping mechanisms. My T does that when I least expect it, and that is what helps me to keep going. Thanks for these reminders....

 

[Loveneverfails]

..It's hard to face feelings!

It really is! When I look back I can pinpoint so many times where I ran instead of facing them. I let go of friendships because it was easier to let go than deal with it. There is nothing harder for me than facing myself, but I find solace in the fact that the more problems I solve- the less ashamed or embarrassed I feel. The thought of someday feeling good about myself always gives me enough strength to face what I'm afraid of.

Also, I think it's important to remember that there are reasons we are dealing with these challenges. Things happened to us to make these changes in our behaviors and thoughts. I read in a book once about a girl who was told that if someone ran down the street naked and screaming, people would think she was crazy. But if they knew she had been showering at the time her house caught on fire and she only just got out alive...they might be more understanding of her reaction. We as trauma survivors need to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.

 

[kapril]

Also, I think it's important to remember that there are reasons we are dealing with these challenges. Things happened to us to make these changes in our behaviors and thoughts. I read in a book once about a girl who was told that if someone ran down the street naked and screaming, people would think she was crazy. But if they knew she had been showering at the time her house caught on fire and she only just got out alive...they might be more understanding of her reaction. We as trauma survivors need to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.

I am not sure how to describe it, but I've been there so many times myself. It's terrifying to go and face your problems, to have to look them in the eye and have someone see all of them in you like your T does. But I guess what it comes down to is believing that it doesn't matter how you behave while you're there. You're there to get help and you deserve to be helped. Running doesn't solve anything, the only way out is through, as they say. Even if the only thing you feel brave enough to do is sit on that couch...showing up is half the battle. You take control in spite of the fear and believe in yourself. I have no idea if that helps, but it's what gets my behind to those appointments when I feel the urge to run. (((kapril))) You aren't alone and being afraid or possessing broken coping mechanisms doesn't make you immature or crazy. It means you're struggling. It's allowed.

Well, I did go to therapy last night. It was hard to go. I sat on the couch and couldn't look at my T. After a few minutes I became filled with shame/fear. I guess he could tell so we breathed for a few minutes, and then I cried, and was able to release some pent up guilt, shame, anger, fear because of messing up the previous night thinking about termination. After that we talked, and I learned that I was putting pressure on myself to be done with therapy, like I should be done by now, my husband would be happier if I was done by now, etc. etc. So we talked about this, and I decided that rather than just saying we were going to go from twice a week to once a week to every other week starting in May, that I'd like to see how April goes because just this idea of ending has really triggered a lot of stuff inside of me. My T agreed, and reminded me of how much change has occured thus far, and how short that window is of going from twice a week to every other week, seemingly not giving myself much of a chance to succeed... I guess I am fighting the feelings, both the warm feelings and the fear, anxiety, etc. and then end up wanting to do anything to not feel. So I am learning about willingness and willfulness, about how hard it is to not control stuff or fight with feelings. It's going to be a very difficult lesson to learn along with giving myself a chance to end therapy in a safer way.

Anyway, I'm glad I went, and I probably wouldn't have gone if loveneverfails wouldn't have shared with me what she shared about having broken coping mechanisms, and that there are reasons for that. Plus it doesn't mean we're crazy or immature, just struggling, and that's allowed:) The story about the lady running from her burning house was so helpful and a visual picture of what insanity looks like to casual obersvers who don't know the whole story. My T loved that story, and that's also one of the things loveneverfails said that also helped me to go to therapy yesterday. I am grateful this blog is here, that I'm truly not alone, and there are people here who understand deeply what we have experienced, and we have access 24/7.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I'm so glad to have helped even a little. This forum has been invaluable to me as well, there have been nights I have been beside myself with tears and pain and someone here has taken my 'hand' and helped me through. I was really leery of joining a forum even when my T suggested it, I didn't really think talking with strangers would make a difference. But it has helped my recovery immeasurably.

Your idea about cutting back is a great one, so you can get the feel of what is best for you. I have tried to quit therapy cold turkey and ended up putting more stress on my shoulders than I really needed. I had to come to the point where I could admit to myself it was okay I needed help. Then I had to admit to myself it was okay I needed more help than I was allowing myself to receive. It's funny, in my experience I spend so much time trying to seem sane that I make myself a nervous wreck! :D