Would You Really Want To Know?

[Venusian]

42 years later, after several heart attacks, a stroke, operations due to osteoporosis would you want to know your 5 year old child was abducted? Would you want to know that you completely ignored her or didn't even notice that she was in pain, shock, terrified to the point that she refused to go to school. Would you want to know she had been raped and nearly killed and couldn't tell you about it, or tried and you didn't hear her? Would you want to know that something so unthinkable could have happened?

I had the memories blocked for so long and just recently remembered the worst parts. With the details I have remembered I know I have to make a police report. I know I couldn't have been the only one and maybe something I remember might help someone else. The only thing that is holding me back is telling my parents. I can't do it. Do I let the police do that if they decide to pursue the investigation or do I talk to my parents first and then find out that there would be no investigation?

Would you really want to know all this after spending nearly 50 years thinking your children never had something so terrible happen to them?

 

[Chincho]

I think I would like to know if one of my children had to go through all that.

It wouldn't be easy, and I'd probably ask myself how it is that I didn't know, and a lot more questions. But I would like to know.

Just my opinion though.

 

[Innordinate]

I think no. My dad spent time not knowing. I think he would prefer to not have ever known.

I think I wouldn't want to know.

But I think they need to know.

Goodluck, whatever you decide.

 

[Tinyflame]

Absolutely, I would want to know.
But that's just me.

I'm so sorry. :cry:

 

[Pale Warrior]

I never told my parents what happened to me as a teen, similar to your description.

But then my parents were pretty screwed up and unpleasant people and the act of not telling them was indicitave of that relationship.

Good luck.

 

[Srain]

I never told my mother half the things that happened to me and probably never will, but that's me. She bears the responsibility of what happened with my father so the other stuff, well, I just don't feel like checking to see if she will find me (a child at the time) would be at fault for that as well.

However, with my own children, YES, I would most certainly want to know! I love my boys and there is nothing I wouldn't want to know. These are the things that shape who we are and if I, as a parent couldn't be there when it happened, then I would surely want to be there during the process of healing as support.

I hope this makes sense.

((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Peace,
Rain

 

[Tifanee]

I don't think it is a matter if I would or wouldn't want to know, I should know. I would be saddened that my child went through that and I couldn't see the change. That is not a secret you need to keep from your parents...even if they sucked as parents. You do not need to carry this around alone. My partner never told his parents or siblings about his childhood sexual abuse. His mother has now passed, and her own neglect of him caused them not to speak for 30 years. He now regrets that, since he had no closure. His father is still alive but has altzheimer's and his neglect of my partner triggers episodes when my partner is around him too long. Is it fair to tell his dad who is struggling with his own memories and cognitive abilities? Probably not, but my partner will quickly loose the chance to have a "present" conversation with his Dad if he waits too long. It is a matter of my partner's own healing process that he needs to tell his Dad, or at least his sisters who he has a better relationship with.

 

[Anna]

I would want to know as well. I would hug my child tight and be overwhelmed with guilt. I would want to share their story, to soothe their pain and comfort them.

It depends on the people though. I shared with my parents and I got a very bad response. I wish I had never told them. Everyone reacts differently. Sometimes people even react in a way you would not expect.

 

[TeddySue]

would you want to know your 5 year old child was abducted?

Are you saying you were abducted and raped? I won't even ask you how... My daughter lived in my home and withheld her abuse by her so-called adoptive father. I wish to God in Heaven she would have told me very soon and not have been a slave to a monster.

When we look at pictures (she's 21), and she shows me the look on her face, I die inside because I did not know and did not perceive that there was something terribly wrong. He is in prison and I put him there. His punishment is of his own making. My daughter is doing very well, but I can't help thinking, IF only I had known sooner.

Yes, a person needs to know the truth. It was desperately hard to turn in a man I thought I knew; a man who I was married to, now, 35 years. But it was the right thing to do.

I hope and pray that you will find the right answer for you. May you find freedom in doing what is right for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If it was my children I would want to know so I could fight for their healing. It would devastate me. In fact this very thing happened to us. After I got into therapy, I started seeing the symptoms in my children and went to the police and made reports. I got them the best therapist, better than mine.

But I never told my parents anything, at least that I can remember. I do not know if I ever told them anything when I was little because I do not remember much of my childhood. I had to disconnect from my family to save my own family. It was a hard decision but I spared myself alot of grief and crazymaking, and high drama.

The truth devastated me, because I saw myself as a failure in protecting them. Even though It only happened one time. To me that was one time to much. My kids still need to work on their own healing because it is a developmental issue.

If all of that happened to you I offer you many hugs and help and support.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Yes, I would want to know. Because we can face what we know, because we did face it and survived, once.

It's all the fears of the unknown that are hard. But allowing the truth to wash out and paddle our way through the torrent is an option for healing. Keeping it bottled up is to choose the path of continued suffering.

You were brave to survive that. You are strong to face it now. May you find many bits of peace and kindness in your life.

 

[maddog]

I think that the hypothetical question of whether or not a parent would want to know about such a thing, depends very much on the type and quality of that parent. A loving, nurturing, responsible, legitimate, invested parent would, I suspect, very much want to know about such a thing and would do whatever they could to validate and support the child, regardless of when they found out about what had happened.

Many of us do not have such parents, and many of our parents most likely would not want to know, and may react in ways which would be far more damaging for the child than the nothingness of the noncommunication.

Only you can truly know what sort of parents yours are.

In the case of your actual reality, I would suggest that this is not the fundamental question for you to be asking. This is about you. You cannot protect or fix their lives for them, nor should you expect yourself to try to do so at this stage in your/their lives, or at any other. The question of whether or not you tell them, allow someone else, eg, the police, to tell them, or follow any other course of action, has to be made with respect to your own best interests and nobody else's. This is a time to be selfish and to take care of you, the way that nobody took care of you back then. If it feels right for you and as though closure is likely to be achieved in some way by sharing this information, then it is your choice to do that, and their choice as to how they receive the information and subsequently deal with it.

If you feel instead that discussion of the facts with the people who failed (whether intentionally or otherwise) to protect and support you at the time would simply be retraumatising for you, then you would be well served to let this sleeping dog lie, and to channel all of your efforts and energies into getting yourself the support and healing that you can, now that you are an adult and are in charge of your life and the people you do and don't associate with.

I hope this didn't sound harsh and judgmental. I would just really encourage you to put yourself first in this cace, as yours are the only actions you can control now, and protecting and doing right by yourself is the greatest gift, and the greatest basic responsibility, you have to yourself.

Take care of you now that you can. Your parents can take care of themselves, just the way they always did.

Maddog