Marriage Ending, Need To Get Healthy, Looking For Support

[ericaboo]

I'm really worried about our dogs...

I just found a really cheap rental online that takes dogs and it's 45 minutes away - far enought to discourage unwanted "visits." I really want him to keep the dogs, because they are like therapy dogs to him, and a big responsibility (although I love them absolutely to death). But he has a history of threatening their safety to control me, so if I had a place that took dogs, I would have the security to know I could take them if needed for their safety.

I'm going to call this morning - I think that will help me be courageous tonight at the appt... I am the worst backslider in the world...

 

[intothelight]

Erica,

Take your dogs. It doesn't give him leverage to control you and quit honestly, that is what is best for them. They are also living creatures and deserve the best. In my humble opinion, I think you are the person that will do that.

Deb

 

[ericaboo]

I just feel so bad for him. He is sick, and doesn't need this. But that's not the dogs' fault. Maybe once he is stabilized after my leaving, he can get them back.

It's going to seem like kidnapping to him.

His last girlfriend took the dog. What does that tell you?

 

[ProudWife99]

Erica,

I agree with Deb. Even in my darkest moments I could never, ever wish harm to our doggies. If my husband did I would have packed them up and sent them to stay with a relative until I knew they were safe. He sees both of them as therapeutic as well and I would never keep them from him, but I could not risk them receiving the bulk of his anger if I left.

You've already made one of the most difficult decisions in regards to putting yourself first (which takes so much courage). Let those doggies love you through this!

 

[cat]

Erica
Sending you all the support & thoughts you can take. Having been in a very similar situation 5 yrs ago I can feel what you are going through, its hell!

In time & maybe through therapy you will understand why you needed to leave, in the meantime please dont blame yourself it takes two people to make & break a relationship, we all have our roles to play in it.

Whatever happens please remember to put your needs first, you have tried your best to make this work but sometimes we just have to walk away, hopefully it will give you both the opportunity to heal.

 

[Innordinate]

His last girlfriend took the dog. What does that tell you?

That she was afraid for the dog too.? :) (bad joke sorry)

It's impressive to me that you can even recognize you should leave and that the situation is not healthy for you.

You are braver than you think.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Ericaboo)))
Everyone already said it all. Please be gentle on yourself and do not beat yourself up.

This is a major step, hope the session goes well for you and that you might get a few things resolved. I hope.
Cyber hugs.

 

[Bubba]

I tried everything I could figure out how to be a healthy caregiver. I just can't balance my own needs with his demands and controls, and I'm getting so triggered whenever I try to be assertive and he blocks me. It's making me physically and mentally ill. My job's in jeopardy, and my quality of life just isn't where it needs to be...

I need to "get a life"

Ericaboo - I am in the same place as you. I just recently separated from my husband, because his health issues were too much for me to handle. He, too, is very controlling and I just end up shutting down whenever we talk. The relationship triggers me extensively. It was a difficult decision to separate, and I am paying the consequences for that as well. I just found out that he removed me from our bank accounts (luckily I have my own) and it looks like I won't be getting my half of the taxes that we are due back. Oh well - it hurts, but there's not much I can do.

You need to do what is necessary for your own mental health. I suggest reading Anthony's article on "Understanding PTSD". I sent this to my husband hoping it would explain me a little better to him. I think it's a wonderful article and helped me to understand myself a little bit better. You can find it on the homepage- just scroll down.

You take care - and know that we are all here for you to help support you. I am so thankful for finding this forum. It helps just to know there are others like me and going thru the same struggles. PM me if you ever just want to talk.

Hugs coming your way!:inlove:

 

[ericaboo]

He never made that appointment, but we have our normal one scheduled for next week.

I see my own therapist tomorrow - he gave me the silent treatment last time - I'm so scared. I tried to ask him if I'm going about things right, and he just threw it back at me - do I feel that I am or not? I don't have an answer. He said I know the truth, my own truth inside, and have to feel and listen for it. I am so full of doubt and feel rejected.

I've been looking for new places to live, but every night I come home and he's trying to change my mind. Now he's reading the book that was given to us a year ago by the marriage counselor. Picking and choosing out of it - "I do all these nice things in the book"... Then turning around saying how I'd better get his name off the car loan because of how I'm going to screw with him somehow. Then crying and begging me not to leave, and asking me to be all huggy and stuff.

He tried to negotiate - then when I asked if he could move into his bedroom completely to watch tv so I can have some peace and quiet, he got the most angry cruel look on his face. Then a couple minutes later he said he had been happy about that idea and that I was going completely crazy and that I constantly misinterpret his emotions.

I'm sorry - but I think I know when I see hatred, cruelty, resentment, selfishness on someone's face - please tell me I'm not "going crazy."

I may be messed up, but I still think I still see some version of reality - I think I know when my head's being screwed with...

 

[Nicolette]

Just remember the abuse cycle........

 

[piratelady]

I've been looking for new places to live, but every night I come home and he's trying to change my mind. Now he's reading the book that was given to us a year ago by the marriage counselor. Picking and choosing out of it - "I do all these nice things in the book"... Then turning around saying how I'd better get his name off the car loan because of how I'm going to screw with him somehow. Then crying and begging me not to leave, and asking me to be all huggy and stuff.

He tried to negotiate - then when I asked if he could move into his bedroom completely to watch tv so I can have some peace and quiet, he got the most angry cruel look on his face. Then a couple minutes later he said he had been happy about that idea and that I was going completely crazy and that I constantly misinterpret his emotions.

I'm sorry - but I think I know when I see hatred, cruelty, resentment, selfishness on someone's face - please tell me I'm not "going crazy."

I may be messed up, but I still think I still see some version of reality - I think I know when my head's being screwed with...

This sounds exactly like what happened when I left me ex. He eventually calmed down and quit negotiating once I started packing. His mood swings settled down and things seemed like they were OK. Then when my friends showed up and we moved my stuff out he said some of the most awful and hurtful things he has ever said to me. I left in tears. But, my friends were there to talk to me and I got passed it. My stress level went down so much once I finally got out.

Try not to let anything he says get to you...as hard as that is.
Good luck and take care!

 

[maddog]

Totally agree with what Nicolette said re the abuse cycle. This kind of toing and froing, hot and cold emotions, pushing and pulling is designed specifically to mess with your head, to make you doubt your judgments and to indeed question your sanity and your perception of reality.

Trust your instincts, always. No matter how troubled our behaviour might be, my view is that our instincts, particularly about such things, are rarely wrong.

Keep your eyes ahead mate, set your goals and plans for moving on and don't let yourself be diverted from that by his mindgames.

Stay strong!

MD