Marriage Ending, Need To Get Healthy, Looking For Support

[The Albatross]

I don't score keep, if it's sincere. My husband (when he realized that staying the same was not an option and that things had to change) picked up the "tools" former counselors gave us and actually read them. There was no threatening though... he accepted his part of where things broke down. We read through them together and this year will be 23 years.

Try to discern if there is a sincere effort, or if this is a manipulation.

 

[ericaboo]

I don't score keep, if it's sincere. Try to discern if there is a sincere effort, or if this is a manipulation.

I want to believe it's sincere, but the fighting that broke out immediately after contained the exact marriage killing behaviors that were described in the book. I would love to chalk it up to a reading comprehension problem, but it really doesn't matter. I just need relief from the stress, and have to decide how long I can continue on this way.

23 years - congratulations!! :)

 

[Bubba]

I just need relief from the stress, and have to decide how long I can continue on this way.

Exactly! It's what you can continue to do and put up with - it's what you can handle. My therapist told me that if I were to live my with husband right now - I would end up in the psych ward. I definitely can't have that happen. I still have my 20 year old daughter that lives with me and relies on me. Right now it can't be about his pain - it has to be about what I can take and what I can't. The other option just isn't an option.

Stay strong, Ericaboo! You will feel better when you have your own place. It will still take a while - and there will probably be a lot of mixed emotions. Especially if he doesn't leave you alone and keeps calling and stirring things up. I had to stop all communication and although I love him and want to work it out one day when I'm stronger, right now the peace is wonderful and I can finally feel myself getting stronger.

((((HUGS)))) and prayers are coming your way! Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[wallflower]

Ericaboo, I'm going through the SAME thing right now. I told my husband a few weeks ago that we cannot be together any longer. We both trigger each other and we have both been very unhappy. He has been trying to talk me out of it. I want to move to a place where our 2 kids can stay with me. I'm trying to keep everything civil at the house for the kids. I get the angry sniping, followed by the apology and tears then the begging. I have already made up my mind and won't change it. I'm hoping to find a house that I can afford not far from the kids schools and make the move soon - before things get ugly.

Hang in there and know that you're not alone!

 

[ericaboo]

I couldn't do it - I couldn't leave... yet? He's trying to understand - he'll do anything to fix things. Had some really good talks, had some really bad talks. Knowing I have the money to leave is a comfort. Having no contact with my family is a discomfort - but that was my choice.

I married him - in sickness and health - and I just can't figure out whether his mental illness can be stabilized and what is fair to ask of him and what is fair to ask of myself.

I told him that my stress level is the bottom line, and that I'm going to take it one day at a time, and if I can stay in my own seperate room and we can lower the stress level enough, I might be able to change my mind.

I truly feel, at this moment that it's a safe situation. I do have a safety plan. Please wish us good thoughts that three therapists, god knows how many medications, and some kind of luck can bring us through this...

I just want whatever is best to happen - I just can't figure out what that is. At least I couldn't this weekend.

 

[amethist]

Take care of your own needs first Erica, then just maybe you can move forward together.

There is nothing that can't be fixed with you both working towards the same end.

If then it fails at least you gave it your best shot, no failure, it just was not to be.

 

[Nicolette]

Life is a journey Ab's - not just a simple road trip where you make a decision and turn. There are so many things to factor in and I think having a moral code can sometimes define us and at others undo us.

Like you I have no contact with my family which was also my choice. Even that was hard to deal with but now, most of the time I am okay with it.

When living with someone with a mental illness, as I was told by a psychiatrist recently, you have to lower your expectations of them as a supportive spouse. So without family and a supportive spouse (rock - constant and always there) you soon wear out some issues with friends. I found by simply accepting lower 'as a husband' the other day (as it clicked all of a sudden) some things don't irk me as much. My fault is for not reading the fine print when signing up but then I love Anthony so I don't know if the fine print would have changed anything on that day or others - just on some when he is unwell.

He cannot deal with me being unwell or having problems (like computer issues dramatically affecting my work for almost a week now - one day in a blue moon is fine but not constant or ongoing) and I can't deal with him being 'sick' for long periods either.... it's a fine balance.

As long as you are safe, have made your own decisions, and can live with yourself and your choice without further harming yourself I don't care what your choice is other than hoping you end up with some more happiness at some point and a greater good overall.

 

[ericaboo]

It was mostly working out pretty well as long as I could suck it up with my own issues - but right now, with the severity of what I'm dealing with personally - it's kicking his problems up into full gear.

And it's not that I'm truly unsafe - but emotionally - random blame and contempt directed at me personally can be a pretty huge trigger. Not eating or sleeping due to the stress could be blamed on either of our situations or the combo... but can only be tolerated for so long.

We can only hope it's a temporary situation, but it could be a stalemate, with neither person able to improve in the midst of the other person's pain. That's how I've been feeling, but I'm going to do my best to figure things out and see if some kind of buffer can be created with us - a bridge to get us through.

I wish both of you the best possible happiness as well, Nicolette.

 

[Bubba]

Ericaboo - I understand completely how you feel! I miss my husband terribly right now. But when I also think of being around him and his illness, it sends me into panic mode. Just like you can't leave right now, I just can't go back. I'm miserable alone, but having someone around doesn't help either. It's my own personal hell that I seem to be living in right now. Just take each day and do the best you can with it - keeping in mind to take care of your needs first, even though that might seem selfish. Two unhealthy people can't help each other - no matter how much love they have for each other.

It's sad and scary. I can't relate to his issues, but I certainly can relate to yours. Be strong and take care of yourself. ((((HUGS))))

 

[ericaboo]

I realize this is an emotional topic for all. I think everyone has to acknowledge that we want the chance to get well and have our spouse stand beside us in sickness or health. It doesn't always work out that way.

One thing I really appreciate is the understanding I see in this group that it has to be an individual choice.

I run into a lot of opinionated people in my life - they have no idea what it's like to live with a mental illness or to make a decision that may be in your own best interest, but may not be in the best interest of the other spouse and to have to live with that.

It might even be right or wrong for both - it's going through a door that locks behind you. Or down a rabbit hole? It's hard to undo some of the decisions we have to make in life.

It's not simple in any way shape or form...

The latest in our saga: he's changed his meds once again, which sometimes seems like a stalling tactic, or just us sleeping through our homelives, and zombie-ing our way through work. Nevertheless - it does give me some extra space to work on me. It's depressing though, in a way - where does the future lead from here?

 

[Srain]

I'm sorry - but I think I know when I see hatred, cruelty, resentment, selfishness on someone's face - please tell me I'm not "going crazy."

Erica, this statement caught me because sometimes I have a VERY difficult time reading people. I do waaay too much thinking for other people and I can get it wrong A LOT. My TT suggested I do more asking instead of assuming.

I feel for you in your position, it's a rough one. I'm glad you have your therapist to support you and you have a marriage counselor as well. I might continue to discuss your feelings of overload in that arena because it feels like it's really weighing you down and your husband needs to really hear it. There might be some more things he can be doing therapy or treatment wise that could help ease your load.

Take good care of yourself,
Peace and healing thoughts,
Rain

 

[ericaboo]

Thank you so much Rain - and everyone. What you quoted just goes to show how impossible the situation can be. I could be reading someone wrong or right, but at the end of the day, what someone does or says is their responsibility, and it still hurts even if it was part of their illness.

Just like when I freak out and smash up half the room, it's not OK - just because I have PTSD doesn't make it anyone's responsibility except my own to get help, utilize the help and take whatever the consequences are for my actions.

It's neither of our faults, but we are the only ones who can each work on ourselves - no one else can do it for us, and obliterating ourselves on drugs - whether they be legal or illegal isn't going to be a long term solution either.

We are on a difficult path, and all I can say is thanks again for the support here...