Wow, I actually think this is a very important and worthwhile issue to ponder, and something which tends to be overlooked in the endless pursuit of support and connection. Overcoming the feeling that you are not entitled to support or help is the first enormous step, and I think that sometimes there is little attention paid to the next logical step, the "what do I want/need in a supporter and what sort of help is right for me".
I wholeheartedly agree that in many instances (with exceptions of course), people who have known a degree of hardship themselves make the best supporters. To truly know suffering is a dubious gift, but a gift nonetheless, as there is a point at which true empathy (along with some practical understanding and insight) cannot be learned or presumed - it must be experienced or felt before it becomes genuine, and I know that I (and I suspect many other sufferers) am hypersensitive to ingenuineness in those around us, and am very, very quick to reject and flee from anyone whose actions and behaviours do not "feel" genuine.
I think the same even applies to therapists - those who have, at some point in their lives, sat on the other side of the desk so to speak, often have an ability to connect and offer validation in a way that cannot be trained.
Other things I look for in a supporter include someone who is abel to accept not knowing everything about my situation. I am terrified of controlling intrusive people who insist that the key to my recovery is that I confide my deepest darkest secrets, along with every step of my recovery, to them. Not only is this dangerously threatening to me, but it is also often dangerous for the supporter who naively assumes they will be able to tolerate anything, and who, in my experience, later discovers that they can't. So just as our supporters have an obligation to try to take care of us, we also have an obligation to try to bear their best interests in mind, and often this needs to involve boundaries about what will and what won't be discussed. People who cannot accept such boundaries have no place in my supporter world.
Related to that, I need people who don't always feel the need to "fix" me. Put quite simply, "fixing" things is between my T and I to a large extent, and while there are practical things that my supporters can help me with, their role is not to take charge of my journey or to know what to "do". Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give another human being is our time, and the ability to just sit, listen, be there and offer support, is more invaluable to me than anything else at times.
This is a lonely and isolating journey. Often it leaves me very tired. I want being with my friends to be safe and relaxing, and sometimes that means I can't say a lot. I need them to just accept that being with me as a safe, healthy distraction and presence in my world is enough. I also don't want to deal with the guilt associated with other people feeling as though they don't know what to do or how to help. It simply makes both parties feel guilty and awkward, which isn't healthy for either.
Fundamentally I want my supporters to view and treat me as a human being, a friend, and a normal person. I don't want to be "your friend with PTSD...", I just want to be "your friend". I don't want to feel or be treated like a charity case or community service project and am phobic of do-gooders. If you can't treat me like a person, feel able to confide in me to an appropriate extent just as I confide in you to the same extent, and view my illness as simply a part of who I am, then our friendship will not endure.
This is a fascinating topic...
Maddog
