General Carers Co-Dependency Information

[ProudWife99]

Toria, I think it is a wonderful thing to have a caring, nurturing nature. My mother was co-dependent my entire life so I went the EXACT opposite extreme. I am not a nuturer and I have very few mothering instincts. I often envy women who are capable of giving love that way. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I don't know a whole lot about the ins and outs of codependency, but what I do know is that the longer we keep our sufferers from the pain, the longer they'll suffer in it silently. They may not know they're suffering, but they are. My husband will talk about how he had to FEEL his grief, feel the pain, feel the hurt and live in it before he could transition into thinking back on it with only hints of sadness and frustration. If all I did was try to keep him from feeling those emotions I would only be holding his recovery back.

Does that make sense?

 

[zulu4sweet]

"If all I did was try to keep him from feeling those emotions I would only be holding his recovery back."

Very good point PW99, made perfect sense to me. I will print this out and put it where I can read it every day.

 

[Anna]

My mother had this. She always felt like she had to be a martyr. She never looked after herself, and it ultimately led to her breakdown.

 

[Nicolette]

Toria, I think it is a wonderful thing to have a caring, nurturing nature.

Caring and nurturing does not always equal co-dependent.

, but what I do know is that the longer we keep our sufferers from the pain, the longer they'll suffer in it silently. They may not know they're suffering, but they are.

While I agree with this comment I also don't agree that caring and trying to be protective is also co-dependency. Co-dependency is when you put all your worth into the other person with no regard for yourself. Their happiness is your happiness. You value yourself by the other person and base your existence on being with them.

ProudWife99, to me you are describing tough love which works for someone but, take my husband for example with military training, getting him to open up about what happened to him is like trying to open a can without a can opener or anything resembling one. He does however talk about other things he feels but then again he was programmed not to feel in order to survive in war. They had to act and not be emotional just to save their own lives. To me, this has no bearing on co-dependency. It makes life a living hell when they are unwell and won't talk but that does not mean the Supporter is co-dependent. Anthony said to me that when things get really hard for him and he is stressed, his only reaction (which he is trying to un-train) is to kill someone (fight) as that is what they are taught to do in the military - no flight or freeze. Someone like that can't simply turn around and talk about their feelings.

I just needed to say this as I don't think Toria's actions necessarily make her co-dependent. We need more information but enabling, as mentioned by Toria, is not necessarily being co-dependent.

 

[Toria]

Thank you for all the replies and opinions - I think I'm getting the hang of it. But I don't want to hog the thread as it's a reference thread - not about me and mine! I shall go and mull it all over... thank you x

 

[ProudWife99]

Nicolette - You are probably absolutely right. As I mentioned, my mother was co-dependent with my father while I grew up and I witnessed it break her from the inside out. I tend to take the very opposite extreme, which can also be unhealthy.

What I meant to say was that I think nurturing and loving behavior most likely both normal and healthy. I wish I was capable of more of it.

 

[Toria]

Proud Wife - I do believe that it is something that you can learn. My mother was (is) Bi Polar and my childhood was far from straight forward as a result! I would say that she was caring certainly but not demonstrably so and my father the same.

I learnt what it is to care and share through some fantastic friends at College. I think little bits of people rub off on you along the way and so you end up being the sum of a lot of others. I hope that makes sense. I try very hard not to be like my parents (in the nicest possible way!) so perhaps I am doing exactly the same as you are x

 

[raulsgirl]

Due to this topic coming up hand in hand with enabling behaviour and questions being asked I have started the ball rolling with some information...........

This is good and all too common. I read a book 4 times last year called co dependent no more was a real eye opener.

I too wasn't thrilled with that statement either. But, I guess if you haven't gone through abuse, neglect, emotional, physical, sexual abuse, then you really don't understand on the level that we do.....

Childhood trauma completely alters you, your way of life, your soul, your adulthood, it robs you of a lot!!!!!!

correct

After reading this I too am co dependent on my husband. I spent 3 hours trying to convince him to get help on the weekend. Now he says I have pushed him over the edge. I know I shouldn't have nagged or tried. But really what are you to do when you love someone and they just wont change. I dont feel like I can breathe if he isn't with me. It is pretty obvious that he doesn't not care for me or love me the same and he regrets being married to me he said last night.

What do you do to stop being co dependent?

Read melodie beatties books( mindy my own business, take care of myself.)

 

[Dallas]

I am definitely co-dependent and have worked hard for the past 5 or 6 years to overcome this. In my current relationship, I definitely see my old pattern lurking in the shadows and feel my illness ready to pounce and take over again.

My boyfriend has severe disc/back issues and requested to be admitted to the ptsd ward (basically psych unit) to receive bupenorphrine (a morphine derivative) for his back pain. Now I am going crazy because 1) I think he should be working on getting lined up for back surgery 2) I am worried he is just laying up there, stoned on morphine, with no desire or impetus to get back into normal life 3) I fear he will become a permanent resident of the psych ward and I will never see him again.

I realize my illness is coming back now full force. It is like an addiction....actually I think it probably is an addiction (trying to control others). I need to view this as an opportunity. I can take the next couple weeks and focus purely on my own life while he is in the hospital. If he is using this as an opportunity to take drugs "legally" than so be it. I can't control it, that is his life, and I can let him live in the psych ward. If he is using this as an opportunity to get better and rest so he can be ready for back surgery and our new life together (as he told me last week) then that's great too. It's a win/win/win situation.

I am going to sign off for the next week to focus solely on what I need to do. Hopefully I will start feeling better, and gain peace again. I will update people in the next week or so on my progress!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[p-no]

I came across two excellent books on the topic.

The first one, IMO, a must-have. It is very honest, very painful to work through and very helpful:

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood

And the second one:

"Disentangling: When You've Lost Your Self in Someone Else" by Nany L. Johnston.

I owe both. Work in progress.

 

[Dallas]

Thanks, Prime-no.
I think I read "Women Who Love Too Much" but I think it was a long time ago. I should re-read that and I'll also look for the other one "Disentangling". I will check on amazon to see if I can order them.

Sincerely,
Dalls.

 

[Abstract]

Caring and nurturing does not always equal co-dependent.
.

I keep wanted to come to this thread and discuss some things and then don't! But I will come back when I have time to read reponses.

What I realised is that the fundamental core of enabling behaviour is that it encourages and cements bad or unhelpful behaviour. Any amount of caring and empathic behaviour that does not do that is not enabling behaviour. Sometimes that is what is needed or what is most helpful for someone to move past something unhelpful. Compassion and caring can be the most healing and helpful thing in many circumstances and that laregely depends on the personalities involved and the circumstances. Sometimes toughness can actually compound unhelpful behaviour.

And at the core of co dependent behaviour is a loss of self. A distraction from our own imperfections or pain or insecurities by blending with another person or a knee jerk reaction motivated by fear. The boundaries of where we begin and end and where our needs begin and and end is blurred or not there. I find sometimes I can do the exact same thing and yet it can be and feel totally different because of how I feel on the inside.