Venting Room

[zombie squirrel]

I'm sorry to hear that Rob Dog! Boys ruin everything! Just kidding, kind of.

Here goes my venting:
Before I got diagnosed with PTSD I was in school to become a professional pilot. Obviously that's not happening now, and since the diagnosis, my medical certificate for flying is no longer valid. I can't fly anymore. I didn't tell my family anything about my diagnosis or the events leading up to it. Ever since I came home earlier this week, my dad has been asking me to go flying with him. It f**king kills me every time he asks. I loved flying, it made me so happy. I miss it so much. And I know that I will probably never be able to fly again. Also, I'm running out of excuses as to why I'm busy and I can't go flying with him, and it's been less than a week!

I would never dream of telling my family about my diagnosis. My mom is sick and I think it would make everything a lot worse for her. I know she would blame herself. I forgive her and know that she is an entirely different person now. I love her, and I don't want to hurt her. I think she's hurting enough already. I honestly don't think my family would even believe me, and even if they did I could never even look at them again if I told them. I don't know what to do!!! I wish I could just crawl under a rock, or find some awesome, cure-all excuse as to why I lost my flying scholarship and why I can't fly, and why I'm probably going to lose my job. I don't know how the heck I'm supposed to make it through the rest of this summer when I'm losing my s**t already.

 

[zombie squirrel]

I apologize, I really need to vent about this somewhere.

My mom died a couple of weeks ago. I never told her about my trauma, and I lied to her about many major events in my life to make sure that she never found out. I always told myself that I was doing it to protect her - I always had some kind of excuse, that she couldn't handle it, that it would make her start drinking again, that she would think it was her fault, that it would make her sicker, etc. Now I know that the only person I did it for was myself. I was too scared of what she would think of me and of the idea that she might not believe me, and I used that fear to justify all of my lies. Now maybe she sees me for what I really am, and I'm so ashamed of it. I wish I could go back in time and tell her the truth.

 

[goingonhope]

Is it possible zombie squirrel that your thoughts and resulting decisions over these yrs. were the result of an attempt at win/win thinking, rather then the regretful win/lose thinking that you seem to be holding yourself responsible for?

Things are not always all this or all that - blk and wht. ,,, all or nothing. I gotta feeling that current low self-esteem is manufacturing fear, shame and regret among possibly other disruptive feelings for you.

Ah' maybe not, yet I think I identify with your thinking and feeling.

Take care, zombie squirrel, ...no need to apoligize here for venting, and hope you practice identifying when you just may be going to hard upon yourself.

Idk. I'll probably get the sh't kicked out of me for writing this (lol). That's how distorted, yet believable my thinking and fear can get when making myself vulnerable.

Take care and (lol)

 

[goingonhope]

My vent:

My brain feels like it's gonna go POP. There is so much happening. New responsibilities, new jobs, new info. new additional diagnosis and need. New unexpected 'most frightening' shocks showing up and too frequently, that surely my brain is gonna go .....POP.

I have to log on for an hr. just to have 10/15 min.'s of that hr. uninterrupted from the phone and everything else, and this is so even when I'm home alone.

Also, my brain is a big interruption to itself. It doesn't even need external interruptions which do occur regularly. It (my brain) simply just starts and then unexpectedly stops and generally before completion and then moves onto the next, and then the next, and then the next things - All day long over and over and over. (frustrating and overwhelming)

The imagery in my mind is of a unusally large pane of shattered, broken glass just needing/longing to be pieced back together in order to see through clearly and continue moving forward.

:confused:

 

[Let It Be]

Since I still have energy around my guy neighbor, I thought I would come here and just vent!

This guy moved next door to me last summer. It is a rental home. We didn't have many conversations but the times that we did, it just didn't feel right. Usually, I would go outside and sit on my patio and read, etc. Now, here is this guy, normally without a shirt, soaking in the sun. He would come over to the fence, and as I held onto the fence, he had to touch me.

He told me his story about moving here because he was separated from his wife and kids. His wife had left him and moved back here. I noticed that he would get his kids on the weekend.

He had to share information about their relationship, why she left, how he would kiss her when they saw each other, what they would say to each other, etc. I told him briefly about me, and he would say things, like I will protect you, etc. He was upset that he and his wife were separated and said, like, if we would get married, we would respect the vows. The only thing was that this guy could have been my son, as he told me his age.

I then because of my counselor thinking I could learn something from him in talking to him, had him come into my house to measure for carpet, as he worked at a carpet store. I was okay with that as my home needed it.

I thought about having some new vinyl put down in the bathroom but suspected something was wrong with my toliet. When he told me there would be charge for a plumber to come out to pull the toliet up when I got the new flooring, I asked him if the plumber could fix the toliet at the same time.

He told me that I didn't need to pay a plumber, that he could fix it, and my heart sunk. He came over to fix the toliet, I had bought the parts for the inside of it. After he was done, it began to leak. I spent the evening, putting down towels, etc. I called him the next day to tell him there was a problem.

He came over and did find another part needed to be replaced and the leaking stopped. However, there was no water in the tank. His response was "look at all the water I'm saving you" although it would not flush.

Since it would not flush, I called the company that made the parts for the insides of the toliet, and talked to a tech. I spent an hour talking to this tech, who was so patient with me, and I fixed the toliet. It needed water and it didn't have any in it. I was so stressed over this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:mad:

He called me several days later. He said that he had been thinking about me, and wanted to know if there were any more leaks. I told him everything was okay, which it was.

During the summer when he was living alone, prior to his wife and kids moving back to live with him, he would come outside and sometimes I would be there, and then he would get up quickly and leave.

He told me so much about himself, and I didn't even know him, or even his last name at the time. I'm still waiting to meet his wife.

 

[Let It Be]

Well, I wanted to come back here to write some more. I decided that as long as my neighbor's wife and kids are back living with him, that I no longer have to be in fear of him. I have gone outside and sat in my lawn chair to read, drink my green tea, for the past several nights. I have so missed being able to do that. Just being able to look up at the sky, and see the stars again.

I was so tired of being anxious about going out to sit on my own patio. Once I realized that he probably would no longer be the same guy as he was last summer, I decided that I would give it a try and will continue to do so! My lawn chair is just sitting there on the patio, waiting for me now!

Do I still believe, however, that his behavior was so out-of-line, that's a definite yes!

 

[KP the nut]

I have gone outside and sat in my lawn chair to read, drink my green tea, for the past several nights!

Let it be, yay, way to go. I was smiling so hard when I read this. Good for you.

 

[Let It Be]

Update:

My prayers have been answered!

The neighbor guy and his wife and kids are moving!

Just went over to their house, and learned the news. They are selling everything and moving a long ways from here. He said that he has a new job and they will be living close to the beach!

So in a few days, it will be over! He did tell me that there are going to be 3 young guys moving in, with noisy and big trucks, so will see how that goes.

Just so relieved at the moment and so have enjoyed going out on my patio again. Even shed some tears about what I had been missing.

Now it's over!:D

 

[KP the nut]

So in a few days, it will be over! He did tell me that there are going to be 3 young guys moving in, with noisy and big trucks, so will see how that goes.

I'm pleased your neighbour is moving. Maybe try not to judge the guys moving in. It could even be your neighbour just trying to wind you up.

Why not try and head off any problem with the new people by welcoming them with homemade cake or cookies. Then if they are loud, it may be easier to have a quiet word.

Just a thought.

Good luck with it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Let it be- I had some problems with the neighbor kids screaming literally all day long. They finally grew out of it and I remember hearing the birds singing, it had been so long since that happened I actually teared up.
I hope the new neighbors are more pleasant. KP had some great suggestions, it is always a good thing to reach out. Good luck. Glad you are enjoying your space again. Good for you.

 

[Jen93]

Who knew that "The Wind in the Williws" was such a big trigger? Stupid Badger and Toad. It's not enough that the book is British (huge trigger) but Badgers a meanie to Toad and Toad doesn't deserve it. I need to read the damn book for school, but it made me cry and I'm only on chapter six!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I want to take a ceramics class. I wanted to search for one. I have my sponser keeping her eye open for one for me during the day. I will have to search online.

My husband does not want me to do this. He said he can only talk for 5 minutes and he would not have a good visit with our daughter. He does not want me to do this.

I have to get out of here. I sit so much and I need to have contact with other people. I need to make some new friends. I need the companionship of other people. I am so glad I have the forum but I really need to make a life for myself.

My husband is so attached to me. This is going to be a fight where I will have to stand my ground. I do not look forward to this. Oy Vey. It is such a little thing. It is so hard to be a caregiver for him sometimes. I do not know how to make him understand I have needs.