I would like feedback on a particular situation which recently arose between my best friend and I. I love her dearly, but recently after a fight I made a stark realization concerning her understanding and veiws of PTSD.
Honestly, I’m still not sure what to think about a few things & oddly enough I’m still slightly hurt. On one hand, I realize it is mostly because I feel a deep self-loathing about how I acted during the fight and I’m having a hard time not beating myself up about, but on the other hand, I’m having trouble comprehending some of the realism she aired out. Not that she is callous or anything, but it’s the misunderstanding of my struggles and the want to just ignore because she just wants to be happy that bothers me still.
Most pointedly, there was a portion in the conversation in which she said she’s the only one who’s not diagnosed with anything and she’s has some real crap happen in her life in which in the aftermath, she was publicly humiliated and ostracized, but she just chose to not let her as a victim define her. She just stopped one day and decided to move on and be happy. She pointed out she just has to push the thoughts out of her head and move…oh, if it were only that easy. She put it best though when she said sometimes when she does that, her nightmares get worse…go figure.
It pointed out to me the definitive misconception even she holds towards this perceived nasty little thing called PTSD. Although she loves and supports us (my husband and I both have PTSD), she will never understand why we just can’t “stop it and snap out of it”…though I know it was not meant to be as such, the way she spoke and how it came off was I and those I know with the disorder are weak because our “traumas” got the best of us and she is a stronger person because she just snapped out of it. This comment hurt deeply and I’ve come to the conclusion this is an aspect of my life I will most likely no longer let her in on, good, bad or ugly.
In this battle there is no “just stop it” or “snap out of it and move on”, only learning how to cope. Although I tried to explain how it works to her, I’ve concluded it most likely fell on deaf ears as it hinges on the primal misunderstanding most people have a PTSD and the common paradigm of thought we are weak because we can’t just deal with it, put it away and move on. Those with PTSD are often viewed as broken and weak and treated as lepers in normal society. There is a foundational misunderstanding of the chemical and psychological changes one goes through with this disorder.
There is a deep part of me which wished she would have just been honest with me about her feelings towards the disease and would have been openly candid in explaining she just didn’t get it and didn’t have the capacity to have it around all the time. I told her openly that PTSD is not like other mental disorders such as bi-polar, schizophrenia or dissociative disorder as every diagnosed individual knows and understands they have the condition, and is cognizant those around them are affected by it which is why it is often not expressed or talked about and remains hidden from normal view. The flip side of that is those with PTSD also understand those around us and those we care about never asked to have to carry our burden with us. We understand it is our burden to carry alone and realize those around may not have the capacity to carry it as constantly as we are forced to.
I explained that all she needs to do is express her need for a break from it and I will gladly respect that. She countered saying she couldn’t do that and it wasn’t just for self-care on her part, she has a family to take care of. I replied saying I fully realize that and understand I am one dimension of her multi-faceted life and one individual amongst many, however I also know intimately the outlying affect PTSD can have on the individuals whom support those with PTSD; I live it every day with my husband. The only difference is that I have PTSD too and taking a “break” from it is just not feasible. Just like her children being a constant in her life, thus is the constant in ours.
My question out of this whole long story is what recommendations do any of you have to help someone understand PTSD is not a “choice” we choose to live in and that “snapping out of it” is just not an option that you can only learn to cope with it. I love my best friend deeply, but this primal misunderstanding of my struggles bothers me immensely.
Honestly, I’m still not sure what to think about a few things & oddly enough I’m still slightly hurt. On one hand, I realize it is mostly because I feel a deep self-loathing about how I acted during the fight and I’m having a hard time not beating myself up about, but on the other hand, I’m having trouble comprehending some of the realism she aired out. Not that she is callous or anything, but it’s the misunderstanding of my struggles and the want to just ignore because she just wants to be happy that bothers me still.
Most pointedly, there was a portion in the conversation in which she said she’s the only one who’s not diagnosed with anything and she’s has some real crap happen in her life in which in the aftermath, she was publicly humiliated and ostracized, but she just chose to not let her as a victim define her. She just stopped one day and decided to move on and be happy. She pointed out she just has to push the thoughts out of her head and move…oh, if it were only that easy. She put it best though when she said sometimes when she does that, her nightmares get worse…go figure.
It pointed out to me the definitive misconception even she holds towards this perceived nasty little thing called PTSD. Although she loves and supports us (my husband and I both have PTSD), she will never understand why we just can’t “stop it and snap out of it”…though I know it was not meant to be as such, the way she spoke and how it came off was I and those I know with the disorder are weak because our “traumas” got the best of us and she is a stronger person because she just snapped out of it. This comment hurt deeply and I’ve come to the conclusion this is an aspect of my life I will most likely no longer let her in on, good, bad or ugly.
In this battle there is no “just stop it” or “snap out of it and move on”, only learning how to cope. Although I tried to explain how it works to her, I’ve concluded it most likely fell on deaf ears as it hinges on the primal misunderstanding most people have a PTSD and the common paradigm of thought we are weak because we can’t just deal with it, put it away and move on. Those with PTSD are often viewed as broken and weak and treated as lepers in normal society. There is a foundational misunderstanding of the chemical and psychological changes one goes through with this disorder.
There is a deep part of me which wished she would have just been honest with me about her feelings towards the disease and would have been openly candid in explaining she just didn’t get it and didn’t have the capacity to have it around all the time. I told her openly that PTSD is not like other mental disorders such as bi-polar, schizophrenia or dissociative disorder as every diagnosed individual knows and understands they have the condition, and is cognizant those around them are affected by it which is why it is often not expressed or talked about and remains hidden from normal view. The flip side of that is those with PTSD also understand those around us and those we care about never asked to have to carry our burden with us. We understand it is our burden to carry alone and realize those around may not have the capacity to carry it as constantly as we are forced to.
I explained that all she needs to do is express her need for a break from it and I will gladly respect that. She countered saying she couldn’t do that and it wasn’t just for self-care on her part, she has a family to take care of. I replied saying I fully realize that and understand I am one dimension of her multi-faceted life and one individual amongst many, however I also know intimately the outlying affect PTSD can have on the individuals whom support those with PTSD; I live it every day with my husband. The only difference is that I have PTSD too and taking a “break” from it is just not feasible. Just like her children being a constant in her life, thus is the constant in ours.
My question out of this whole long story is what recommendations do any of you have to help someone understand PTSD is not a “choice” we choose to live in and that “snapping out of it” is just not an option that you can only learn to cope with it. I love my best friend deeply, but this primal misunderstanding of my struggles bothers me immensely.
