Skye2Earth
New Here
I realize it's been awhile since Erik and Iam posted on this subject. Complex PTSD and Aspergers is a very difficult combination. I'd been doing very well in my life and then was victimized by a person I believed was a friend. It's been at least ten years and I'm still working to return to feeling confident. Once victimized, it is very hard to find qualified help, or even know how to ask for it if you've the money or insurance coverage and can find a therapist who knows how to work with Complex PTSD. There is the problem of re-victimization. When a person and/or circumstance creates the elements that trigger feelings from trauma, any number of nightmarish things can occur and often do.
For me, there was the terrible fear, the pain in my chest. The basis is emotional but the pain is agonizing and the terror is overwhelming. I experienced Depersonalization, like an out of body experience. This alleged friend had put me into a state of Mental Exhaustion, by his demands for me to be what he wanted me to be, but what I was not, could not, be. He was an alcoholic and narcissist who convinced me I could make a positive difference in his life. He behaved reasonably well until he had me where he wanted me, which was in isolation, without employment, far from friends I'd known for years. When he revealed how very cruel he was and it became apparent that I was just another possession, I truly fell apart.
I've been through the diagnostic mill, as you and many others have. I learned to advocate for myself and through what I learned, have helped others to do the same.
Fundamentally, there is a big conflict, here. The Aspie has innocence, wants to trust, to believe that people are not being deceptive. I'd had meltdowns. These are not easy to handle, but I was able to pull myself out of them by reasoning with myself and focusing on my work. I had a job, a structured environment, a place where my presence made a difference so it forced me to pull myself together. I had true friends who liked and accepted me. Once the emotional flashbacks of Complex PTSD came screaming back to life, I felt helpless and lost. I found work, but there always seemed to be a man who was seeking a relationship with me, which I didn't want, or someone less skilled who gained my trust and then betrayed me.
I'd been so wounded by my tormentor that for years I couldn't get him out of my mind, couldn't believe he was as awful a person as he seemed to be. Some part of me listened to him and believed that I was the problem and he was wonderful. This is what he kept telling me as my self-esteem deserted me. After enough experiences of being a victim, the Aspie pattern recognition manifests and the realization that you're wounded in some obvious way and attracting needy or predatory people is an inescapable truth. I was vulnerable and disliked myself, believing I was weak. That wasn't true.
Being exploited and hurt does not mean a person is weak. Anyone with C-PTSD is a survivor and many of us have had little or no support in our lives. Anyone with Aspergers who achieves independence in their lives, who builds a career despite the anxiety and distraction inherent to many workplaces is a strong individual. To lose this autonomy, to be tricked because we trust the wrong person or people is devastating. We very often invented ourselves. Somewhere is the power to re-invent ourselves.
Will I ever be the person I once was? I doubt it. All these years have passed and there's much that I've learned that's totally unrelated to the work I did so successfully. Some talents I'd neglected have now come to the foreground. I've completely changed my diet and lifestyle. More than ever, I believe that kindness and compassion and honesty are among my best traits, even if people have called me foolish or too opinionated and simple-minded and thought they could take advantage of me for being as I am.
I'm having to help myself to overcome these years of making my best effort and encountering yet another traumatic event, without a therapist. As long as we continue to work and not give in to depression at our mistakes, our perceived failures and continue to learn, we will evolve and be stronger than ever before.
For me, there was the terrible fear, the pain in my chest. The basis is emotional but the pain is agonizing and the terror is overwhelming. I experienced Depersonalization, like an out of body experience. This alleged friend had put me into a state of Mental Exhaustion, by his demands for me to be what he wanted me to be, but what I was not, could not, be. He was an alcoholic and narcissist who convinced me I could make a positive difference in his life. He behaved reasonably well until he had me where he wanted me, which was in isolation, without employment, far from friends I'd known for years. When he revealed how very cruel he was and it became apparent that I was just another possession, I truly fell apart.
I've been through the diagnostic mill, as you and many others have. I learned to advocate for myself and through what I learned, have helped others to do the same.
Fundamentally, there is a big conflict, here. The Aspie has innocence, wants to trust, to believe that people are not being deceptive. I'd had meltdowns. These are not easy to handle, but I was able to pull myself out of them by reasoning with myself and focusing on my work. I had a job, a structured environment, a place where my presence made a difference so it forced me to pull myself together. I had true friends who liked and accepted me. Once the emotional flashbacks of Complex PTSD came screaming back to life, I felt helpless and lost. I found work, but there always seemed to be a man who was seeking a relationship with me, which I didn't want, or someone less skilled who gained my trust and then betrayed me.
I'd been so wounded by my tormentor that for years I couldn't get him out of my mind, couldn't believe he was as awful a person as he seemed to be. Some part of me listened to him and believed that I was the problem and he was wonderful. This is what he kept telling me as my self-esteem deserted me. After enough experiences of being a victim, the Aspie pattern recognition manifests and the realization that you're wounded in some obvious way and attracting needy or predatory people is an inescapable truth. I was vulnerable and disliked myself, believing I was weak. That wasn't true.
Being exploited and hurt does not mean a person is weak. Anyone with C-PTSD is a survivor and many of us have had little or no support in our lives. Anyone with Aspergers who achieves independence in their lives, who builds a career despite the anxiety and distraction inherent to many workplaces is a strong individual. To lose this autonomy, to be tricked because we trust the wrong person or people is devastating. We very often invented ourselves. Somewhere is the power to re-invent ourselves.
Will I ever be the person I once was? I doubt it. All these years have passed and there's much that I've learned that's totally unrelated to the work I did so successfully. Some talents I'd neglected have now come to the foreground. I've completely changed my diet and lifestyle. More than ever, I believe that kindness and compassion and honesty are among my best traits, even if people have called me foolish or too opinionated and simple-minded and thought they could take advantage of me for being as I am.
I'm having to help myself to overcome these years of making my best effort and encountering yet another traumatic event, without a therapist. As long as we continue to work and not give in to depression at our mistakes, our perceived failures and continue to learn, we will evolve and be stronger than ever before.
