Parenting With Ptsd

[timetorecover]

I often wonder what sort of damage my PTSD has done to my kids.

I love my children so much, they are my life and motivation and without them I am not sure how I would get through the day. I would not be without them or change things for a moment.

I just worry that I may smother or have a negative impact on them.

I dare to question should I really have had kids. I drive myself crazy and blame myself for creating innocent babies.

I was not diagnosed before I had kids and they are all I have ever wanted. I am so grateful for them. I just feel so bad for them having a messed up mother!

I just wondered how other people cope whilst parenting with PTSD?

 

[Zef]

It's very difficult. All you can do is the best you can.

My kids love to wrestle with me. That sort of contact was a huge trigger for me. Over time, I was slowly able to desensitize myself and now, sometimes, I even initiate the wrestling. . .they just seem to love it so much.

I guess what I try to do is pick one thing to improve at a time (otherwise I get overwhelmed) and try to figure out a way to make it happen. Pick a small thing and when you get a success, it makes the next thing just a little bit easier.

As far as coping with the stuff I can't handle, we've kind of set up a 'Daddy needs some alone time' thing when I'm not doing well. Sometimes the disappointed looks on their faces kill me, but t says that I'm teaching them to set up healthy boundaries. . .my t needs to do some more convincing before I believe that, but it is the best I can do right now, so somehow I have to be OK with it, I guess.

 

[Red Feather]

It's really really hard, but kids can handle a lot. I found a link once which was just about this. It really helped. The other link "To Whom it may concern" is really good too by the way. Here is the link:
Link Removed

My kids are great about my PTSD. They call it the "trauma." Like the other day, I dissociated really bad while playing a board game. My son noticed and said "Mommy are you ok? Is it trauma? " I didn't want to stop playing, but I quickly realized the game was triggering me big time. I was so sorry, but the kids immediately understood and packed the game away and found something else we could do togehter to do to distract me. I think if you can take the time to help them understand what is happening and why, and ensure them that you will always be there for them, it is a great help.

 

[Magnoliagal]

I have 3 kids (12, 9 and 6). I coped by marching myself back to therapy. I knew I had ptsd before I had kids but didn't really grasp how bad it was until it was too late and my babies were here. :(

Lets see here are my coping strategies:

Do less. Conserve energy. Downsize my life. Know my limits. Learn to say no.
Sleep well. Stay rested. Eat well. Exercise if I feel up to it.
Have blocks of quiet time to quiet my mind.
Remind myself they weren't the ones that hurt me. Baby step my way towards letting them in.

I won't lie. It's been hard but I'm getting better.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I grieved the fact that I was dealing with the worst of my ptsd while I had my kids when they were younger, I felt they deserved a better mom. But I was a very good mom when I look back now. I wish with all of my heart I had not been so hard on myself. I wish I did not beat up on myself. I hated to be like that while my kids were growing up. I wish I could do it over.

I feel so much better now. My daughter tells me that I was a good mom but I was too lenient. I did not want my kids to feel like I was controlling them, wanted to be different than my own parents.

Try not to beat up on yourself. You are a good parent. Better than what you had.

 

[anthony]

I often wonder what sort of damage my PTSD has done to my kids.

I have the same thoughts at times... it doesn't really bother me, though it does rattle around in the brain once in a blue moon.

 

[Innordinate]

How can that NOT bother you?

 

[anthony]

Because I've come to accept what is, and acknowledge to simply do my best and not worry about "what if" moments.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think how ptsd effects your children depends on how your symptoms manifest.

But it can be healthy to worry about how you effect them, because it makes you look and act when you see something is wrong.

There are even some benefits. Some mothers work long hours or go out regularly and their children have childminders. My children have Mum with them all the time, doting on them and wanting them here, because they distract my mind.

I don't tell them they are a distraction for me, so to them I'm just there and they are wanted and loved.

They know Mum needs her relaxation time and doesn't want to be disturbed after a certain time. They know I get stressed and get anxious about stuff (but don't know what stuff).

But maybe that will be a positive when they live in the stress filled world. Lots of people suffer stress and don't do regular relaxation. So maybe my children can benefit by seeing me deal with things.

I worry that my daughter emulates the thousand mile stare. And I worry they they will think it normal to have a lie down between doing things.

I avoid most triggers, but I worry more that I will be triggered and they will see me like that, so it makes it difficult for my recovery, but I havn't got that far yet. My son has seen me like that once. He heard me scream and came in, asked if I was ok, I said yes and asked him to go back to bed. I don't want my children to see that. But it is rare and after that incident I isolated myself so it wouldn't happen again.

I also am having to work hard at letting my children have a bit more freedom as they get older. They are the only good thing in my life and it's something I struggle with. But it's the first thing I work on, because the children come first.

So I think you can be a good parent with ptsd. And sometimes it can make you a more concerned and loving parent who keeps on top of making sure your children are ok.

 

[Queen Boudica]

It is really tough. I did not know I had complex trauma when I had kids either.

My problem is I know my mother probably had PTSD because of being a child in the Spanish civil war and her parents were abusive and she caused my complex trauma and my sister's because she was extremely abusive and controlling and self-centred. I am always comparing myself to my mother, scared I am like her and, in some of my PTSD moments, I can see myself as being her, so I am so afraid of damaging my kids.

But I am not her and I am doing my best to make sure I don't mess up my kids like my mother did. I am getting therapy and working to make sure the legacy is not passed onto my kids. But that worry is in my head and it is hard to ignore, but that then makes me strive to be better and better.

Your kids have a caring and loving mother who is aware of what PTSD does and is doing her best to overcome those problems. They love you, warts and all. No childhood is perfect, that is impossible, but they know they are loved and see you do your best for them.

I like MagnoliaAgal's list of how to cope and the site about talking to your kids suggested by Nadia.

 

[cindylouallen]

I think how ptsd effects your children depends on how your symptoms manifest.

I truly believe the same. I don't live with it but my son does and one thing I can say is the same as you the child always comes first. God bless you and love to your family!

 

[Eleanor]

Great article Nadia, thank you!

I think good parenting always starts (PTSD or no) with a clear idea in mind of what you want for your children. If your idea is for them to be emotionally healthy, be safe and able to express their emotions, to be able to hear others and be heard themselves etc etc. Then do what it takes in the circumstances to help them learn that (while learning to do those things yourself! No teaching is as effective as modeling.) They should be fine. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that you really only have to get it "right" about 30% of the time... That's the figure that is associated with the "good enough parent" model.

PTSD is an illness like MS, or diabetes, or anything else. It doesn't need to stop you from being a good parent. It is like any other big life problem - it offers opportunities and difficulties to parenting. I have my 5 year old in therapy (her Dad has the PTSD and his episodes go to anger...) and we talk about when dad is sick and it makes him say and do mean things, and that the best thing to do is to leave until he feels better and can treat us like he should. She knows already that it is ok to feel mad, but its not ok to be bad (e.g. mean to others.) Children can be taught very healthy coping skills, and navigate difficult waters without damage to them so long as there are adults who really listen and pay attention and help them learn the skills to deal with things with integrity.