Sufferer Just Waiting Around To Die

[DeadMann]

My life ended with torture 25 years ago. The world I knew and understood was taken, along with my humanity. I was broken and nothing has repaired that.

I have no purpose, no interests, do not associate with others, and see no possibility of this changing. As much as I crave human contact I avoid it because of the inevitable rejection. Pills are a complete waste and used to drug you into oblivion and warehouse you, without any positive value that I have ever seen. Therapists rarely have any idea what you are talking about and spend their time asking vapid questions about how you feel and wasting time until the 50 paid minutes are over.

I am no longer really human any more, being a social leper and unwelcomed burden to anyone foolish enough to be caught near me. I am not violent other than occasional verbal outbursts or crab-assing. I still relive the torture in flashbacks and know what triggers them most times. I am old, crippled, and in almost constant pain.

I do not abuse alcohol or drugs. I am just a dead man who is waiting the pronouncement. I am a homeless old guy who will end up dead among strangers that will know I am gone by the bad smell and rifle my old motorhome before calling the cops.

Rationally, I know this is messed up but have found nothing to alter the reality of it. I have no resources, am homeless and a drifter so I can get no help, can't stand being restrained/controlled/stripped of my freedom, and trust no one.

I am here because I have nothing else.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome DeadMann :)

 

[Loveneverfails]

It may feel like it, but you are not alone in your despair. Though the circumstances are all different, I think most of us have felt a deep hopelessness of our own at some point. I hope you find the support here you need to reclaim your life. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Loner]

Rejection doesnt really hurt you. I urge you to seek it out, for no other reason than seeking out things which scare you but cannot REALLY hurt you is the surest way to make yourself grow and heal. Also, life will come to an end soon enough on its own. Might as well do something before it does.

I understand how you feel though. I isolated for a long time. I wish someone would of explained to me that while it was easy and necessary at times to relax there was no happiness in it and the only way to find happiness was to push myself out of my comfort zone.

 

[Grace Hope]

DeadMann

There are a lot of other people out there who feel the way you described. Some not so old, some not in so much physical pain and none not been exactly through the same things as you in their life time.


I and many others who interact on this site can empathise with what you wrote and that makes you not alone any more. I am sure the people who have similar experiences will feel for you. Anyone reading what you wrote can see your hurt and how vulnerable yourself and your situation is showing.


I think you are right in a way about therapy it is often too much for a person. Myself, sometimes I just need someone who realy knows how to listen and discuss issues, with no writing notes and no agenda to diagnose, to judge or categorise anything that is said or done during a session. To give support where it is needed is so important and to be as benifical to that particular person as possible.

Welcome to the site. I hope that you find what you need. Good luck.


God bless
Clan destany

 

[sunnyd]

Welcome Deadmann

You said : My life ended with torture 25 years ago. The world I knew and understood was taken, along with my humanity. I was broken and nothing has repaired that.

Reply :

Getting familiar with the site, taking your time.

It may help to read some of the trauma diaries of other members. I know I found people's experiences similar and related to mine. Also I could share a little insight to some of the things others were struggling with and we grow as humans together from this.

Some diary's even shocked me as to how some members have suffered. While having strong feelings worrying at the time about my own situation suddenly faded into the back ground as I felt compassion for another instead.


You said the world you knew before and understood, was broken and you haven't been able to repair it. This to me means something has changed for you, even if it was a long time ago.


When you are ready, you may wish to write how it was and your story. A lot of us members finds it helps bring us clarity. You will find support here as well. You are not alone anymore.

All the best x

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the forum deadmann.

 

[DeadMann]

It's hard to believe, but this is me after a lot of personal work. Mostly on my own. A dozen therapists who were so incompetent they couldn't pour piss out of their boot with the instructions on the heel. One who I keep remembering because she told me to suck it up and get over it. Many whose Idea of therapy was to see how much dope it took to get me to where I was still in pain but didn't care. The ONE thing I have gained so far is the fact that you can not move on until you have told your story, fully and complete, to someone who actually understands what you are talking about and who believes you. It took 23 years to get that and someone to tell me I was dealing with PTSD. I do not have enough time left to get another piece of wisdom at that price.

I care about other people and their own trauma. I tried to volunteer to do peer counseling, but in the end it turned out all any of the charity orgs wanted was someone to donate money or make cold calls to solicit money. Apparently, they are there not so much to help those in pain but to finance an operation and keep those in charge well greased. Besides, I am someone who is old and disabled and more trouble than I am worth.

The sad part is that I have helped others where I can't help myself. I have seen others improve where I am in despair. For a while I thought that my own misery could be justified if I could use it to help others. I see now that I am too damaged and repulsive to be allowed even that solace. I have asked over and over what it is that makes me sub-human, what words or actions I have been guilty of, and find no answers. And the longer I am isolated from decent humans, the less human I apparently become. Some Catch-22, that.

Loner: Everyone has a tolerance for misery. Everyone requires a certain amount of solace to survive. I have fought for all these years since I died, moved along with the red, panting, grinning face of my torturer reveling in delight at every additional torment he could muster flashing back over and over in my mind. I have tried to regain a life, but found little more than wall-to-wall fear and loathing. For some reason coming back from the grave is being denied to me and the worst of it is the utter and total rejection as a human being (something was taken from me during that torture that has the effect of revoking my permit to be a human being). As social animals, this cannot be borne. I have found the limits of my own tolerance and can't take or invite any more. To do so would be tantamount to suicide. I know you intended well, but there are levels of hell you have not yet delved into. You should thank God you do not have to know this on a personal basis. Oh, and to have a comfort zone infers the existence of comfort. I know it only in theory. So perhaps you can see that what you suggest might, from that view, appear to be akin to a rape victim getting herself locked up naked in a jail full of sexual sadists and expecting things to go well. Some things, even if not absolutely inevitable, are dangerous to the point they are not worth the risk.

You know, I have said it this way before, but it rings true to me and perhaps will help others see the conundrum I face. Using the offense of rape as the initiating trauma, I suggest that what I am asked to do by therapists is irrational. It's as if in the middle of being beaten and raped, they arrive to tell the victim that things aren't so bad, that they will get over it, that they can offer some drugs to numb you while this continues, and ask you how you FEEL about that. What that victim needs is not pablum and pats on the head but someone to step in and STOP THE RAPE. You can't expect someone to recover when the trauma is still occurring. And the geniuses who insist that being angry and sad and afraid because you have been and are being destroyed is just something that you can drug yourself into not being concerned about or talk yourself into not being upset about haven't a clue, do they? If I had anything I would want for myself at this point is for the rape to stop so I can begin to consider how to recover. One person I could trust to have my six as it is said in the military.

Thank you all for the kind words. I do not know what it is I am seeking here or what any can do to help what I fear is permanent and fatal. That is not to disparage anything you've said or doubt good intent. But I am a person without trust or hope as a rule and have become a dedicated if unwilling cynic. I am still fool enough to hang on to a small shred of hope that somewhere there is something that will change this cruel farce - so it is not complete surrender to the darkness yet. I will have to see what I see.

 

[sunnyd]

Hi Deadmann

Sounds as if your life is a living hell. I can only speak for myself, and have not had any experience of sexual rape myself.

You said what you fear is permanent and fatal. Are you thinking of ending your life? or just prefer the thought of feeling nothing to escape the hell?

There is a thread on this site for people who are depressed and my have ideas of thinking suicide would be preferable to the pain and hurting they are feeling in life.

As a new member perhaps you will be directed there.

I have interpreted your message as depressed thoughts looking at ways to escape what your experiencing, but can you clarify this to me? I can not like to assume.

Feeling for you and listening when your ready

 

[Ruckster]

Deadman, I am sorry you feel so down. I hear your pain and want you to know I am listening. You said that you have already discovered that talking to someone who "gets" it can help. This is the right place for that. People here "get" it. No one has walked in your shoes and no one can ever know exactly how you feel and what you are suffering, but everyone here does indeed know suffering. Please allow us to listen and know that you are not alone.

 

[Loner]

The ONE thing I have gained so far is the fact that you can not move on until you have told your story, fully and complete, to someone who actually understands what you are talking about and who believes you.

Loner: Everyone has a tolerance for misery. Everyone requires a certain amount of solace to survive. I have fought for all these years since I died, moved along with the red, panting, grinning face of my torturer reveling in delight at every additional torment he could muster flashing back over and over in my mind. I have tried to regain a life, but found little more than wall-to-wall fear and loathing. For some reason coming back from the grave is being denied to me and the worst of it is the utter and total rejection as a human being (something was taken from me during that torture that has the effect of revoking my permit to be a human being). As social animals, this cannot be borne. I have found the limits of my own tolerance and can't take or invite any more. To do so would be tantamount to suicide. I know you intended well, but there are levels of hell you have not yet delved into. You should thank God you do not have to know this on a personal basis. Oh, and to have a comfort zone infers the existence of comfort. I know it only in theory. So perhaps you can see that what you suggest might, from that view, appear to be akin to a rape victim getting herself locked up naked in a jail full of sexual sadists and expecting things to go well. Some things, even if not absolutely inevitable, are dangerous to the point they are not worth the risk.

1. It is very common for ptsd sufferers and people who have survived traumatic events to want to be understood and have their feelings validated, but NO ONE will EVER understand what you went through, even other rape victims. Your suffering is unique to you and healing comes within yourself.

2. You have absolutely no clue what I have lived through and what dark places I have gone or been driven to in my life. I find your comments incredibly disrespectful although I am mature enough I can forgive that considering you are suffering.This is a fact, there are people in this world who have been through far worse than you, no matter what youve been through, someone has had it worse. This is another fact, EVERYONE is hurting. You aren't alone in that.

I doubt youll listen, but I'm going to tell you some very hard truths. No one needs or requires solace. You've survived for a long time. Love, acceptance, validation, these things are all great, but they arent necessary for survival or even happiness, unless you count love that comes from inside you. Nothing anyone else can give you will ever heal you or make you happy. People can offer insights and validation which will help you but even the best therapists only help you while you help yourself.

Isolate for your whole life if thats what you want. Its your choice, neither I, nor the rest of the world, cares one lick about you, just like the world doesnt care one lick about me. There is happiness out there waiting for us both, but it isnt goign to be brought to our doorstep. No one will ever save either one of us. Good luck. I won't be offering any more advice except to say that the universe doesn't owe anyone anything, nor would it honor such debts if it did. You mention God, well what God doesnt give to you you have to go out and get for yourself.