Undiagnosed Hello

[Heidi07]

Jaret, my mom was the same. She was never there when I really needed her support. Of course she will deny it today.The verbal abuse left me with a very low self esteem. Whenever I went to visit, by the second day we were arguing. It stressed me too much to go and visit. The same thing goes for phone calls. We would constantly argue on the phone because I would not live my life the way she wanted me to.

Are there any support groups in your area? Do you have those? There must be a place for you to go to and seek some help. Try searching a bit on the internet.

 

[Tanishq]

Thank you so much Red Balloon. I am feeling good here. :)

Heidi, people like our mom are very wicked because they have powerful vicious tongue. Words have power and it will be always this way. It's like they abuse nature. I understand about low self esteem. I had it,too. It took lot of time to get confidence. Do you still have issues regarding self esteem?

My mom was not neglected, in fact she was brought up nicely. I know very well, she has learned this all from somewhere. She loves taking part in dramatic occasions and never thinks about wellness. Today she has lost my trust and respect. My mom always tried to scare me when I was kid and I used to get scared and obey her blindly because I always wanted a mother and wanted motherly love. I tried everything to work out with her, but I never got any good response from her. It seems she never thought to take interest in me.

I have tried seeking my friends, but they think I am mental and left me silently.

I live in India, I have tried seeking for help. I tried talking with neighbor aunt, but my mom was there and she lied in front of us. In the end aunt favored my mom and it all went against me. Aunt is somewhat like her. Power and superiority show like my mom. I have stopped talking with her. She did try to manipulate my mind.

For professional help, I will need more money and my pocket money is very limited. My parents think i waste their money and eventually if they will come to know about this, I doubt that I will get pocket money either. I feel trapped here sometimes. Terribly alone,too.

 

[Philippa]

I know there are a lot of interesting projects happening in India at the moment, to do with building sustainable farming and eco villages. Are there any near where you live that you could get involved in, so you would have some interactions with new people who are positive? Sometimes that can help so much, even if they aren't trained to help with your specific issues. It can really help your self-esteem to feel like you are part of something positive that builds community...

 

[Tanishq]

Yes, Philippa today i will go college and will try to get help from madam(one of college faculty) who sounds understanding to me. I am having bit headache and many thoughts are running in my mind.

I visit that temple palace regularly, but it seems it will take time to establish friendship with new people. It sounds i am the one who is in bit hurry to have friendship.

 

[Philippa]

Just take your time. I know it's hard when you want to not feel so alone and make friends, but that can also put you in a vulnerable position, where you take whoever is there...and they might not always be the sort of people who are right for you, or even care about you. You've had these types of experiences before.

 

[Tanishq]

Philippa, today I attended whole day and all lectures *somehow*. Deep down I was praying to earth goddess without least expectation and at the same time I was trying to expect less.

Just take your time. I know it's hard when you want to not feel so alone and make friends, but that can also put you in a vulnerable position, where you take whoever is there...and they might not always be the sort of people who are right for you, or even care about you. You've had these types of experiences before.

It happened today. I went to consult that madam again and I told her that I have figured out something. I hope she will let me talk, but instead she jumped to end and said,"Did you see, wasn't that easy?" I did not mean that. Then I told her I want to talk about something. She told me I can trust her. Then I could not speak to her, I was thinking is it fine to discuss with her? In the end she told me,"if I have any problem I can meet her".

I did not get discourage, I thought perhaps this is sign that I will get some help after some time or when right time comes. I need not to worry about, just keep trying.

During lectures, I thought perhaps very few people have good grasp about traumatic and abused people.

 

[Philippa]

Not sure what happened there? All I know is that people who say I can trust them are the LAST people I trust.

I wasn't there though, so maybe she didn't say it like that?

 

[RedBalloon]

Is there a psychology course being taught at your college? If so, I would be inclined to talk to the professor teaching that class. If anyone knows how/where to get help, that professor will likely know.

 

[Tanishq]

Not sure what happened there? All I know is that people who say I can trust them are the LAST people I trust.

I wasn't there though, so maybe she didn't say it like that?

Yes, I should not be so quick either. I will be patient and I will see how it goes when I meet her next time. :)

That's true,too.

 

[Tanishq]

Is there a psychology course being taught at your college? If so, I would be inclined to talk to the professor teaching that class. If anyone knows how/where to get help, that professor will likely know.

No, I asked this question to madam when I was searching for counselor help in our college. She told me there is nothing like it, but she can help me. I can speak to her.

 

[Tanishq]

Today I am feeling mentally exhausted. When I was preparing for college, I felt my body is asking for some rest. I am relieved that yesterday I could sit at college somehow and now that will help me to remain positive wherever I go outside.

Edit: I am not going college today and giving myself some mental rest. I think yesterday I was worried and bit tensed at college, that made me tire out at night.

 

[Philippa]

If you scroll down, there is a thread in the chit chat section called "How am I feeling today, not thinking, feeling" that is great for recording how you are feeling from moment to moment, and then if you go all the way down the bottom, there is the section for trauma diaries, where you can read about and that's a place where you can put all your day to day activities and progress as well as discuss you traumatic abuse and the effects it has had on you jaret.