Huge Problems With Memory. It's Scaring Me.

[Springer80]

I need information about accessing a specific set of blocked memories that I have logically realized must exist, but cannot directly view.

Hi, I'd suggest sensori motor body psychotherapy. Your memory keeps it locked up because you cant physically/emotionally deal with them. For the most part I strongly agree that you can't get over ptsd without unlocking and dealing with the events. However, a few parts of my memory are black holes. I have not even an inclining of what happend after a certain point and I think it's best I don't tinker with that.

As for general stuff slipping through the cracks, I find having less to remember and less stress helps alot!!!

 

[Philippa]

Lots of memory loss and I have real trouble retaining information. I was explaining to freakofnurture recently in private conversation, after she called me on forgetting some stuff she had shared with me, and I had been doing that a lot. It's like it doesn't stick as soon as it goes in and I lose it. I'm like that with a lot of things. I have vague memories of things that happened only yesterday, and can't even remember if it was real or I imagined it. It's very frustrating. Trying to recall stuff is just so hard these days. I used to have a fantastic memory. It's hard to determine whether it is PTSD or just normal aging? I'm 38 now.

 

[nimkekaa]

It's a standing joke in our house now that if it's not in my phone with a reminder alarm - I will forget.

:roflmao: We call my phone "Mom's brain" Thank goodness for technology.

 

[well bell]

Hi, I'd suggest sensori motor body psychotherapy. Your memory keeps it locked up because you cant physically/emotionally deal with them.

I wish there was a way to tell myself that I can handle it now! It just feels so strange not being able to access the details, but still having very strong physical and emotional reactions against a certain person. It's almost as if someone spray painted an object against a wall and then removed the object. All I have is an outline, I can make a general guess, but it's frustrating because at least with me there is a sense of safety in just knowing. Even knowing something bad enables a person to make responsible and logical decisions based on facts. Not knowing feels like uncertainty and that feels very unstable and unhelpful. I mean, this person is in my life, I would like to know what boundaries and/or fortresses to maintain!

 

[nimkekaa]

Even knowing something bad enables a person to make responsible and logical decisions based on facts. Not knowing feels like uncertainty and that feels very unstable and unhelpful.

I have felt this way also. I have had to make decisions in my life, in the past, in regards to my parents with only part knowledge of what really happened. I hated the feeling and felt very confused for a long time. The only thing that helped me was going with my gut instinct and trusting that my body knows what is best for me. I know that it is a lot easier said then done.

I have since gotten most of the memories back and I can understand why I forgot them. I also see now that my gut instincts were right on and I am glad that I listened to them.

I hope things get easier for you.

 

[Springer80]

I wish there was a way to tell myself that I can handle it now! ... Not knowing feels like uncertainty and that feels very unstable and unhelpful. I mean, this person is in my life, I would like to know what boundaries and/or fortresses to maintain!

Hi, I think you have to negotiate with yourself and approach it 'in plain sight' like Robert Redford in The Horse Whisperer!!! You say this person is in your life. I don't like the sound of that, just because you can't remember the details doesn't mean your reaction is wrong. The fact you have the slightest doubt around them would be good enough reason for me to back off totally until you know whats going on properly. YOur health and future self deserves it. :)

 

[stuff]

It makes me want to cry some days.

 

[well bell]

The fact you have the slightest doubt around them would be good enough reason for me to back off totally until you know whats going on properly. :)

I agree with that except for one small nagging doubt. I'm worried that I have on some deep level associated this person with traumas that they are not responsible for, mostly because this is the prominent male figure in my life, and the traumas were perpetuated by males.

However. I think it's possible that I may have witnessed something and been too young to understand, so perhaps I filled in the blanks with irrational fears before I blocked the whole thing... But the impression of fear and mistrust has remained??

Also, I have a new therapist now. My old one used to just listen and say bland things occasionally like, "How did that make you feel"? etc. My new one actually was taking lots of notes our first session, and had very poignant questions. I feel encouraged.

I very much want to access memories in order to let my adult mind process and sort and move on from them haunting me. I just had a dream that had multiple similar chapters. In most of them I was standing in front of a closed door. And I knew that beyond that door was the memory. All I had to do was open it and confront it. I was scared. I braced myself for any physical danger, or mental trauma. I opened the door and saw.... nothing. And I knew that somewhere I had missed something important. It was almost as if I've missed my chance to really know for sure. Or maybe I cannot access it alone.

I'm also genuinely worried about what happens when I open the door with my therapist. I have had so many nightmares my whole life, some reoccurring and some completely random. I'm worried that my hypervigilance has created memories that never happened. It's almost like when your parents tell you all your life about something cute or funny you did as a baby, and eventually you feel like you almost remember it because you have heard it so many times. But it's not a true memory. Can that happen with PTSD? Does anyone know? Can nightmares that come from living a life of fear create false memories?