Pity Parties

[Meadowsweet]

I've grown up with the idea that any expression of emotion is self-pity; that it is unecessary, wimpish, that I must be stronger and must accept/be responsible for my actions and the consequences that they bring.

To some extent I've taken on that attitude, and have offered advice to others, based on how I have learned.

Sometimes other peoples problems have seemed trivial - if someone says they are stressed at work, I say, well look for a new job; if someone has split up from a relationship of a few months, I can't see any reason for them to feel anything but mild dissapointment.

But at the same time I've had to learn to accept that I can't deny the effect that events of my life have had. I've had to learn to say things like, it is difficult, I am not happy with this, I am feeling ______ about this.

And anytime I say something like that I'm afraid of the back-lash. The voices that laugh and ridicule the percieved 'weakness' of feeling emotion, of not knowing what to do, of being messed up.

And the expression 'pity-party' uses the tone of riducule. The connotation of having a party suggests a planned pleasurable event. And pity, as far as I understand it, is an acknowledgement that something out of our control has happened to us.

It just seems a very detrimental and ill thought out expression, especially on a mental health forum. As far as myv upbringing is concerned, any mental health issue is nothing short of the worst kind of pity-party.

But I've asked for medical help because what I experience isn't at all pleasurable.

I work hard at it and remain constantly hopeful and open to finding the solutions. But having finally conceded and asked for help, the system I'm in isn't being very helpful. So I constantly find myself having to fight the urge to go back into denial.

So I come here and too often find myself fighting against the casual over-use of this expression 'pity-party'.And fighting against the urge to pretend that all is well, I'm feeling great and trauma never crosses my mind.

It might be that it is a common expression in other countries. I've only ever heard it used on PTSD forums, so I probably look at it a bit too literally.

So, to make it clear, I am not judging or commenting on people's intention when they use it.

But in its literal sense, it is a ridicule or an expression to put others down.

I think with trauma, people do need to fight not to dwell in hoplessness or negative thinking. And in supporting people, there is certainly a case for pointing out that someone is dwelling on something, procrastinating, or that they need to challenge their negative thinking.

But it could be put straight couldn't it? I just can't see that slang like pity-party does anything useful for anyone.

 

[The Albatross]

I've heard the term, not here that I can recall... but as it is typically used, is as "denial buster" in recovery for substance abuse. I have, since I've been in an around recovery for over a decade, been familar with it and see beyond the term to what the person is trying to convey... that I am in a mental/emotional state that requires some self examination and attention or I will fall off or take a flying leap into self pitying behavior... which is a red flag / danger zone and can, if not corrected, set me off into cycling.

I know that most people around me are "well intentioned people". I'm not about to fault find with well intentioned people over a term. But that's just me. I value honesty pretty much no matter what the approach over my preferance for terms.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes. I hope I don't come across as fault finding over a term.

But there is room to think about terms and learn new ways of putting things.And unless someone mentions what the term connotes, then it can become a catchphrase, without the user ever thinking what their words actually mean.

It is the kind of thing we only notice when an expression is new.

 

[Red Feather]

There are some people who would call a lot that goes on in this forum a pity party. Some people do not even want to hear the word PTSD because it induces that and attention seeking. I guess the focus could go to the most basic aspect of what "pity" really means. If showing "pity" means compassion and empathy, and caring for others, looking to find it, when it is lacking, seems something very human and natural.

Of course there is the other way of looking at it, and I think for me, that would go more in the direction of "complaining." I think gizmo once said something like this: there is a fine line between grieving losses, and feeling sorry for oneself. I liked what she said.

I do not know exactly where this line is, but I think practicing self respect and respect for our and others emotional and expressive needs, to be the first objective in discovering this line. Because only then is it really possible to find out how much one is being honest to oneself. Personally, I think the responsibility should only lie in each individual's judgment of their experience. So in my eyes, it really is a question of subjectivity, and how much are we able to perceive what is happening inside of us.

 

[The Albatross]

I've had to learn to say things like, it is difficult, I am not happy with this, I am feeling ______ about this.

And anytime I say something like that I'm afraid of the back-lash. The voices that laugh and ridicule the percieved 'weakness' of feeling emotion, of not knowing what to do, of being messed up.

And the expression 'pity-party' uses the tone of riducule. The connotation of having a party suggests a planned pleasurable event. And pity, as far as I understand it, is an acknowledgement that something out of our control has happened to us.

It just seems a very detrimental and ill thought out expression, especially on a mental health forum. As far as myv upbringing is concerned, any mental health issue is nothing short of the worst kind of pity-party.

Perhaps there is room to think about it. But is it really the term? Because Meadowsweet this seems to have more to do with the thoughts and feelings you associate with the term. Words don't hurt, it is the interpretation or my perception of them that hurt. I find, that you are tip toeing around your own experience and perceptions to discuss a term. Just trying to get you to come back to the real issue. Fear, perceived weakness, confusion, being messed up, ridicule. Words don't have a tone, voices do.

 

[Hashi]

Albatross, I have to disagree about words not hurting. I think words are very powerful. I'm bilingual, and acutely aware of how words shape our thinking. I actually think differently depending on which language I'm using.

More generally, I very much dislike the phrase "pity party". I think the term itself is derogatory and denotes a certain attitude. To me it represents the idea that feeling sorry for ourselves is a self-indulgence.

We need to face our sorrow, express ourselves and vent. Is there an official cut off point on these somewhere that I missed? What if your cut off point for you is different from mine for me?

I agree with Meadowsweet that slang (I would say shorthand) isn't helpful. Its too dismissive rather than looking at the individual situation. It's too easy to jump to a judgement. Labels can be lazy and dangerous. Better to say exactly what you mean.

 

[Loloma]

I have had the term "pity party" said to me before. My first reaction was anger and then hurt. I went away and thought about it in depth. Firstly it depends who it's coming from, because unless that person knows you well and your history, they have no right to say such a thing. It then becomes an insult. Generally I go away and analysis what has been said to me. That's just the way I tick.

Sometimes we can get to the point with our PTSD that we become so negative, forgetting that other people have problems to. We think that the world evolves around us and our pain. This in turn can make others reach the point, where instead of having sympathy and compassion for us, they express anger.

We all have a different time frame necessary in our personal healing. There are so many variables, relating to our individual traumas and coping abilities. Hopefully over time we reach a point where we can turn our lives around and start to see the positives in life more than the negatives. We alone control our future and our healing. Learning to live in the present one small step at a time is a start.

As a child I still remember the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Unfortunately for us sometimes they do.

 

[Innordinate]

I think everyone who's commented in this thread is right.

Pity party is derogatory, it can be an insult, it can make the person 'throwing' the pity party realize they're dwelling on negative thoughts and make them start thinking about what they're doing before spiraling down that circle.

I've seen and experienced it all.

In the end....... this is what I think. Nobody can hurt you unless you first give them permission to do so.

There's a lot of arguments about certain terminology on here, that I've seen, of course, someone is always going to NOT like something, someone is always going to comment on it. I think it's obvious. People are going to say things you don't like, people are going to take offense to things you say all the time.

Just the way it is. Everyone is right.

Yeah, my useless 2 cents. :)

 

[Philippa]

There's a fellow on the internet who says that being able to pity ourselves is actually an essential part of healing from our wounds, and I have to say I've always felt this sense of it being something imposed on us that we aren't allowed to grieve for what we've been through, or feel bad about it...and yet, the urge to is there? Why would it be there if it wasn't part of a natural emotional process?

Great thread Meadowsweet. I think this really needs to be addressed. I was part of a Personal Development forum for a while a few years ago, and they would not allow "pity parties' but so many people needed that support, and when you are bleeding all over the place, painful emotions, it is so hard to contain that. I find the idea that we have to suppress what is going on for us, for the benefit of others, to be selfish of THEM, though they see it as selfish to be ruining 'their' space of moving forward.

How can a person move forward until they have fully grieved their losses, and felt that it was in fact a real pity those things happened to them?

What is so wrong with feeling bad for yourself. No one else ever did, and it seems to be something we need, at least a little of. That whole idea that it makes you a wimp or weak to feel, is so dysfunctional and distorted I think. Feelings are what make us strong. It's all backwards.

Of course, if someone is still going on about it a year later, then maybe there needs to be some sort of boundary put up, but like Hashi said, we are all individuals, and what one person can get over will take someone else a lot longer to, and their needs may be totally different.

I got told I was "seeking attention" when I reached out over the internet for help as I was so distressed at work one day I wanted to jab a pen in my eye. He was a carer for people living with PTSD!!!!

 

[Loloma]

Philippa, that's the whole point. "Seeking attention" when you need it is not bad. Maybe he needs to find another line of work.

In my family the majority of my siblings still have problems with what happened to us. The violence, deaths and other factors will always be with us. The damage that was caused is still reveberating in the form of mental illness, drug and alcohol addition as so forth.

The point is as you say, you can't let it define you. We have to move on and live the best you can. Memories always remain both good and bad. I cannot let the excrusiating pain of the loss of my siblings consume me. I think of them fondly and shed a silent tears for them and what they have missed out on. I see them in my minds eye every day of my life.

 

[Philippa]

I guess to be honest, he did say that there was nothing 'wrong' with seeking attention and did suggest I start using mindfulness strategies to cope, which is sound advice...it was probably my own perceptions around seeking attention that was the problem...and that's another thing too...being taught in society that seeking attention is somehow bad. I grew up with that my whole life. Being suicidal meant I was "just looking for attention" and so somehow pathetic...which only caused more damage.

I'm only just starting to accept at 38 that is really is ok to want attention, adn that it's normal human behavior. Isn't that nuts?

 

[Nicolette]

My understanding of a 'pity party' is not grieving or healing - it is someone who goes around being negative about everything on purpose to gain attention. It is one thing to be sad, to work through what you need to but it is more than draining when every post is about something negative and depressing in a manner which is not aimed at moving forward IMHO.