Pity Parties

[The Albatross]

Maybe the core difference in our discussion is that you focus on the implications of the words and feelings, and I choose to look past the words to the user's intent. I can find, if I choose, any number of things to be offended by... but if I value my personal peace and calm I have learned for myself, that I am less inclined to go there. It is my own value system that comes into play when something offensive is said to me. I take a hard look at the person's intent.

If I was to shoot every messanger that did not use terms or slang that I was comfortable with, there would be quite a few dead people in and around recovery for alcoholism. But, if I'm able to dig deeper and ask myself if this a good willed person, I can avoid pitfalls, and be grateful someone started waving me a flag before I start cycling. No matter what words they use. Enough for me on this topic... I think I have shared elsewhere before my father was a class A asshole, with a lot of undesirable traits and was prone to name calling among other things. But, in a crunch, he could be relied upon to "tell it like it is" from his own, rather rough perspective. I choose to value that, and really miss that. I find it is an esteemable thing, even if it temporarily hurts my feelings. I'll take 4 helpings of hurt feelings with a side of candid straight talk, over warm and fuzzy consoling any day... but that's just me.

 

[Philippa]

I like the straight talk too Alby, although occasionally, and at the right tender moments, a bit of fuzz doesn't hurt, but it' smore the feeling of gentleness at these times that I appreciate...if I'm really feeling sensitive.

 

[The Albatross]

True enough, but if I put more emphasis on my own perceptual "emotional sensitivity" than someone waving a yellow or red flag at me... I'm going to set myself up for cycling. There are tools for emotional regulation and sensitivity... but not one of them that I know of demands, or expects people to use the right words.

 

[Philippa]

I don't think the words have to be right, as long as they are delivered with the right amount of warmth and caring. That's what makes the difference nine times out of ten.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'll take 4 helpings of hurt feelings with a side of candid straight talk, over warm and fuzzy consoling any day.

To say "you are dwelling on the negative in everything. You need to work at finding a different perspective if you are going to get better", is more straight and to the point that "you're having a pity-party".

The differentiation in this discussion, as I see it, isn't about swapping one extreme for another, talking straight or flowery, or trying to read peoples intent. I think most slang terms are used without much fore-thought. They tend to just be an easy way of saying something, that other people around you use.

But when you've not heard the term, because it isn't common in your country (like me) then you tend to notice and wonder about its meaning. As I said in the op, I'm probably looking too much at its literal meaning, and it is the literal meaning that signifies it as a derogatory term.

I can remember years ago, what we now consider to be racist terms were used without any intent to hurt anybody. And people were quite taken-aback and defensive when they learned that the term they commonly used was derogotory (often because of its historic connection to slavery).

But because people did learn that their language was degrading to a race of people, they chose to use words that were more suitable to current values.

What I saw in my self-analysis was the potential that this term has to sabatage peoples healing. Having taken in the replies, I think there maybe is a place for it, if it is suitable for a specific individual. But not as a generalisation to catagorise a whole group of people.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

al. anon uses the term pity party. I do not like it. It is insulting. I guess I take the term personally.
To me a pity party is my mom in her beet telling me her tale of woes. It was just misery. What was I supposed to do with that?

Interesting thread. When truly violated, a phrase like that will hurt. Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. The term pity party is thrown around insensitvely. It is not a good term I tend to use.

My mom used to sing a song. Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I am going to eat some worms and die. Now that is a pity party. And telling the person will go straight over their head unheard. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Nicolette]

Perhaps I might view it in a more positive light if it was something that was said directly to me, and at a time when it was an appropriate kick up the butt.

For me, this is in which context I would use the words - as a much needed and appropriate kick up the butt for when someone is wallowing to the point of drowning in their negativity rather than working through their feelings.

 

[Nicolette]

The term pity party is thrown around insensitvely

Gizmo may I ask from where you draw such a conclusion as other members have said they haven't seen it much here? I know Anthony has used it occasionally but others have said they have not seen a significant use of it here.

To me, while I appreciate

To say "you are dwelling on the negative in everything. You need to work at finding a different perspective if you are going to get better", is more straight and to the point that "you're having a pity-party".

the words "you are having a pity party" are delivered as a stop sign......a wake up call and a sign to take stock of where you are at. IMHO what Meadowsweet said is arguable and defend-able from the other person where as, like many have said, the words 'you are having a pity party' have made others ponder why someone would say this (as deemed as cruel by some) which is sometimes the effectiveness required when supporting and encouraging no longer works.

I have watched a member recently who, IMHO was on the path of what I would define as a pity party, yet said nothing and just avoided the member as it was depressing. Other members were being nice and supportive and trying to say all manner of positive things to this member and they just twisted it around into more negativity bringing themselves down. If it was a friend, I would have told them they were having a 'pity party'. I'm with the Albatross and would rather you delivered me the facts to deal with than warm and fuzzies which sometimes do nothing to deter me from the self destruction of negativity (enable).

 

[Meadowsweet]

What is it you find warm and fuzzy in the quote you've used?

 

[Nicolette]

Is that question for me Meadowsweet as if so, that is not what I said. With the the quotes I used I responded and commented on them as I felt but never referred to either as being warm and fuzzy.

My conclusion was that, in general, based on my life experience, I would be rather hit with the truth than be told things people think they want me to hear or make something more 'positive than what it is in reality'.

What is it you find warm and fuzzy in the quote you've used?

If this is for me you are over thinking and over analysing what I said sorry.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Ok I get you.

I guess like I said to albatross, you can be very straightforward without using derogatory words.

However when somebody is at the point of giving up, anger and defensiveness can have a positive effect. It can help someone find the energy to start fighting back. I guess using derogetory terms in those extreme situations could work.

 

[Nicolette]

I guess using derogetory terms in those extreme situations could work.

While it is never intended to use 'derogatory terms', I think you are starting to understand where we are coming from. IMO a 'pity party' is an expression of behaviour and not a derogatory term.... but that's just me.