Ashamed & Embarrassed By Diagnosis, Seeing Therapist Again

[Rumors]

Totally on the same page with you! Went to therapy several years ago bc of failed relationships, bad choices, wild living but never got into what happened to me as a 5 yr old. I quit and figured I wasn't getting much out of it only to continue with the chaos I called "my life." Several years passed and I went back bc of EXTREME circumstances and I was afraid I was going off the deep end but now I have a child and my desire to be a good parent was more than being messed up.

So, I returned to the same lady which I must say is like eating crow bc I wasn't the easiest patient I am sure. I refused meds for depression years earlier, I wouldn't really do what she suggested, etc., so I am quite sure the day I quit she probably had a party! However, she had always been trustworthy which I had NEVER before had in any relationship and that is why I called her. She graciously fit me in quickly realizing it had been nearly a decade since I had seen her and I must be really bad to call her. During the process, I revealed the things I hadn't talked about before along with many other things I thought I wouldn't ever tell. In some ways it was liberating, but it was also very scary. To this day I haven't told anyone else including my husband.

I can tell you that somedays I feel overwhelmed by memories that flood in like the water that sunk the Titanic! Somedays I feel confident that I will be ok. It is a process and one that you should have, at least, your therapist to trust and talk to about things. Trust, for people like us, is as valuable as a brick of gold in today's economy. It is hard to come by and not cheap!

I encourage you to keep up the good work and take it slow if that is what your T thinks is best. Trust that they have your best interest at heart! Sending loads of strength and well wishes your way! (())

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Whirlwind)))))

It is normal to feel as you do.

Several wise people helped me through accepting my diagnosis by pointing out that the diagnosis is only a name given to the suffering we have been going through. Nothing is 'new' other than the name, and through it, a path to support, hope, and resources we can now employ to get better.

Nothing has changed other than that you are no longer suffering alone.

Hang in there. Nobody else has to know unless you want them to. When I finally told my hubby, he cried with relif, because he knew I was suffering for a long time, dragging him down too. We are MUCH better than we ever were!

 

[piratelady]

I see your point. :( I couldn't handle this state I'm in for years, I already feel like I am imploding.

I have always been in control of my life, I left home asap and never looked back. I created a decent life for myself...these last years I had a few tough life events, and that's what seems to have started kicking my foundation out from under me.

I left me home on the day of my 18th birthday and tried to leave before that, but was unable. I had some good times, followed by incredibly difficult times. It is so difficult to hold it all in and maintain the person you once were.

I will make a list of things that are freaking me out - maybe just writing them down for the therapist if I can't say it myself.

I think this is a very good idea! Sometimes, the act of writing it down can help to make the feeling less overwhelming. Also, as Hashi suggested, bring what you write down with you to therapy to help you discuss it. You don't have to disclose everything, but it may help to open the door a little.

Personally, I am still very new to the healing process, but what little bit I have healed has helped immensely. If you can stick it out and persevere, it is worth it! :)
(((Whirlwind)))

 

[Whirlwind]

I worry that I won't be able to care for myself anymore. It's terrifying.

That scares me too. I used to be in charge of my life and somehow it snuck away from me. Before…you could have dumped me in the desert so to speak and I would find my way out. I act as normal as possible but truth is I’m not sure I can take care of myself very well right now.

One of them started to resurface yesterday and I have been sick all day

I’ve been getting that to for what it is worth. Nothing new manifests..just a flashlight on some stuff I cannot believe I “didn’t get” other things are vague swirls of something. Its like I’m slowly being flown to “planet yuck”

yesterday I woke up in my supporter's arms after an episode

Supporter? Is that group therapy?

When you figure out how to get control back please share it with me.

Whatever I come up with, good or bad I'll share, I promise. I’m indulging in some compulsions for now, its helping a bit but probably not advised. I’m just going into fantasy land at times, now I remember how much I did this…and I compulsively exercise. The last one helps and its not the worst vice I guess.

I'm behind you. I'll be cheering for you.

Thank you.

I'm not saying you should take meds, just don't completely dismiss them.

I understand and actually agree, I'm just really fearful of them, it feels like a loss of control. I am looking at alternative…SAM-e, stuff like that. If Glaxo doesn’t make it, it isn’t so scary for me.

she had always been trustworthy which I had NEVER before had in any relationship and that is why I called her.

I can laugh a little here…I screened and tested my T a few years ago, went for a job thing, it was a real issue but not a biggie. I told myself it would be an interesting experience. Bantered intellectually etc. I cringe wondering now if he saw right through me. Looking back, I knew something was coming and I was preparing in a way. When I started to feel weird this year, I contacted him too, he made room for me asap. Now that I am talking outloud..I think I need to stick with this T, truth is it would take me forever to “restart” with someone else.

wise people helped me through accepting my diagnosis by pointing out that the diagnosis is only a name given to the suffering we have been going through. Nothing is 'new' other than the name

I appreciate that. It casts it in a different hue doesn’t it? Funny how that is sometimes. Truly, thank you, I’m going to write that down for myself.

I left me home on the day of my 18th birthday and tried to leave before that, but was unable.

Me too. A few run-away bits but I always came back, the alternative didn’t pan out much better than it home. And I saw what happened to some of my friends, it wasn’t pretty.

Sigh. Not all of us made it though, I wonder how many of us are even here today. I wonder these days..maybe it doesn't happen as much? Its not so easy to get away with? People didn't talk about this stuff back then, I was way out in the country, pretty isolated...but I hung out with other "bad" kids, we all had a common bond we didn't discuss but we all knew what it was. I remember we just instinctively labeled each other according to who had it the worst....tried to help in a way...drugs, help running away, that kind of stuff. And if we caught a glimpse of what went on at home, we didn't react to make the friend feel even worse. Sad.

Really sad because I honestly didn't have it the worst.

Again, a big thank you to everyone for talking with me as well as the hugs. It is a very nice gesture. The internet is a strange place but then I find something like this and I am overcome with the inherent generosity in people.

I hope everyone has a wonderful nights sleep, Whirlwind

 

[nimkekaa]

humanistic psychotherapist who uses (contemporary) interpersonal and experiential approach of Gestalt Therapy and the body-focused approach of Reichian Therapy with current theories on human development, attachment, and emotions to remove the blocks to growth that stand at the center of their emotional and physical distress.

I really like Gestalt Therapy. My one therapist used it and it was very effective for me.

 

[Whirlwind]

Good to hear.

My T is known not to answer me directly...trying to let me find my own way I guess. He lets me start by simply not "starting". Effective but I wish he would do the talking...so I wouldn't have to?

I wonder if I need to be "doing something" sometimes I feel like I am floating in therapy with no direction but maybe it is too early? He says he has a game plan and won't let us waste time, etc.

I would like a itemized spreadsheet with goals and timelines. This probably isn't reasonable for therapy huh?

 

[Abstract]

Often T's won't lead the conversation too much as it can actually take your power away from you. There is a lot that can be learned from the uncomfortable space that is left for us to find our own thoughts in.

It can be hard though.

Sadly therapy is seldom like a check list unfortunately. The therapy that I have found best and most helpful has unfortunately been the type where I have not been told what to think. Everyone is different I am sure.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know if what I think, or the conclusions I draw are correct or inaccurate. Without direction I don't know internally. Maybe that determines one's success or failure, at getting better, idk?

 

[Whirlwind]

I can see your point.

I suppose I am looking for an external anchor to help settle my uncertainty.

I used to be sooooo sure of myself, decision making was never a problem. I even made my living based on that ability to a large degree. It seems like was a different person....could I even do that again? I used to be good at what I did.

Therapy is making me feel worse, I have no plan and I am out of my element.

Trust is part of it, without a plan I am in control of or can "see", I am at his mercy so to speak. Not to mention, right now I'm not sure I can handle a betrayal or let down. My veneer is thin these days. I have talked to T and shared my concerns, etc.

It really helps to get feedback here and realize I'm not alone with these PTSD symptoms....

Whirlwind

 

[Abstract]

Whirlwind,

I cannot tell you how excruciating I find that lack of control and feeling of exposure.
I always wanted someone to just tell me how to feel, what to talk about, what to feel and what to think. I had so little trust in myself and such fear of trusting myself or even looking at those things. Just the thought had me dissociating.

I have a habit of dissociating throughout every T session. That can mean only speaking one sentence and the rest of the time being "gone".

My last t resorted to crayons and paper and me drawing pictures or using a sand box to try to help me communicate without disappearing totally.

That you could actually discuss your concerns is a great sign and really brave! That's what T is all about.

If the T starts putting too much of themselves into the discussion then T becomes about them and not us.

I don't know if you find information useful but you can look at transference and counter transference.

That does not mean that you can't work on ways to make this more comfortable for you though. Speaking with your T about it may help with that.


I wish I had had a time before all this when I was OK but sadly this is all I have every known. What I will say though is that as a result of T I am so much more sure of myself and my opinions and my rights to my feelings.

Also just for you to know: it is totally normal to feel worse in T first. We open up all the sore areas. But the idea is that once they have been processed then it helps hugely in the longer term.


I think all of us probably have severe trust issues to one extent or the other.

 

[Abstract]

I don't know if what I think, or the conclusions I draw are correct or inaccurate. Without direction I don't know internally. Maybe that determines one's success or failure, at getting better, idk?

Hi lovely Junebug. I know that feeling.
The answer in my opinion or from what I know is that you get to work that all out by speaking about it. I know for me I want to do it right and am afraid. But your feelings and thoughts are yours and not "wrong" and that is what you are there for. To figure that all out. Sometimes our thinking can be unhelpful but it is never "wrong".

The only way we heal is to start talking about how we really feel and what we really think. If your T tells you what that should be right from the start then you can't do that. Then once we speak they will guide us subtly or less subtly and we will slowly find our way. With me it is so slow I feel I go backwards. :(
Healing is unfortunately not just about deciding things will be different and rather about feeling the differences and emotions as well as understanding more cognitively.
Your thoughts and opinions are important.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract, you are super-kind. Thank you. :hug:

I never thought of 'that' perspective- that whatever feelings are not wrong. That kind of changes everything. And I agree that feeling (and thinking differently), is truly when it seems there is some progress (though I can't say I think of my feelings or thoughts that important. Perhaps unbearable, but not important!)

I guess, too, even I can recognize sometimes that it's not helpful, the hard part is figuring out what's unhelpful, because I'd rather know to change it.

You are so kind, :hug:.