I'm going to do the next right thing despite how I'm feeling disgusted and dazed. .........(just as soon as I finish typing this)
I'm feeling like wtf, people simply cannot and do not treat others this way. Woke up this morning and read briefly upon the forum and now struggle with pulling myself away from wanting to be on the forum.
I'm not allowed to be on the forum today. I do not have this permission from me, bc I have expectations and important responsibilities here at home that I must meet; Yet I'm in conflict. So I've been too briefly on then off...., on then back off again, now on again, ..........until I can't keep a freakin clear thought; My doing! I did this to myself today!
I'd be all over this forum, ie. Responding to others and wanting to be supportive, contacting and/or returning PM's sooner, reading from the PTSD info. section, Welcoming new people, Reading from and writing in my trauma diary, adding to the World PTSD or information sections, putting my profile pictures back up, starting my own blog or reading from others. ......if, I didn't have multiple responsibilties to accomplish here back at home.
I guess this is a .........Yes, to spiritofnow's thread about "Guilt Complex", do you have one? Yes, I do.....me too. (manifesting itself in many area's and still tugging at me, after all this time, if I dare to move away from it's thinking).
I guess this too, is a response to my own thread: "How are you feeling today?"
I'm feeling guilty today:
• for things that are not within my control,
• and for trying to do next right thing,
• that I'm part of this thing called humanity, and more and more of humanity is worse than I could've ever imagined it, even though I've had PTSD for a long time now.
• for experiencing trauma(s) not nearly as severe as others have experienced
• and for not meeting others expectations of me and letting others down,
• and for not meeting my own unusually high expectations of myself, here-there-and-everywhere, and letting myself down.
• Guilty for being on the forum right now.
• Guilty for not being on the forum, when I'm not.
• Guilty for not being reconciled with God in the eyes of the church.
• Feeling guilty for trying to understand and make sense of this world, and my place in it now.
• Feeling guilty for trying to understand and make sense of God, and his place in it.
• Guilty for feeling free'er then before, (not free, but appreciative and free'er in comparison to where I come from, while others are still suffering much.
• And, OM, this list could go on an on an on, but only make me sick right now, which our family cannot afford right now; this would only make me feel all the guiltier.
I must choose and continue to march, (where too often seems like.....here, there and everywhere), or else I'll have more to be guilty of!
Oh' sh't I hope it's not a little of the poor me's, I'm starting to hear in what I've just written................... I can't handle any of that, that sh't is toxic for someone like me.
Damn' I feel guilty about actually going to submit this post.
So this is how my day is starting out,....feeling torn and feeling guilty. Only now, do I realize that I've been having these feelings, (guilt), more often then I allowed myself to be aware of, while trying to fluff them off, or shove them aside for other things.
Hope
