Attraction To Abusive People.

[Meadowsweet]

I have a pattern of being attracted to abusive men.

When I look back, I am amazed at just how stupid and gullible I can be. In other areas of life, I can be quite intelligent, but in relationships I'm weirdly blind.

But recently I recovered a memory of being a child. I see the bad stuff that happened, but I am completely emotionally detached from it.

But there is a part of the memory where the person was playing a game, and innocently, I was giggling and finding it fun - when the memory came back, I felt a really good feeling as the child recieving seemingly positive attention.

I also feel quite a need to feel happy like that now, and I feel like I don't want to let go of that good feeling and accept the bad stuff.

But that is how I feel in adult relationships too. And I'm wondering if it's that need that blinds me to abuse.

Am I just repeating the childhood scenario? Is that apparent 'niceness' part of the abusive personality? or can healthy relationships make you feel special too, or do they make you feel special in a different way?

I think I need to know if I should ignore that attraction in the future, or accept the special feeling and just try to stay alert for signs of abuse.

 

[whirleygurl]

I was abused as a child. I married a man with abusive tendances who has gotten some help but is still somewhat abusive. We are in couples counseling and that's how the PTSD thing came up. I am seeking help on my own with a therapist specializing in PTSD.

I have sort of blocked out sexual abuse, but have dim memories that lead me to believe that might have been part of it. I never felt good, I felt ashamed.

The reason I think we might be attracted to abusive men is because we don't think we're worth anything. We have low self-esteem and expect to be punished and shunned and treated badly. When our abuser shows us his good side, which is not often enough, we bask in it like rays of sunshine. We feel worthy and loved in those brief periods like water to a person in the desert. A healthy relationship should be a give and take, mutually satisfying to both parties.

I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship with a man. As a young woman, I was promiscuous because I was looking for approval. Once I got married, my marriage was always troubled. I was terribly co-dependent. So I'm afraid I cannot give you any insight as to what a healthy relationship with a man feels like. But I have read about it.

 

[whirleygurl]

Also wanted to add that you are by no means blind and stupid. If you were, you couldn't see or learn from the mistakes in your past. You're learning. It's a process.

Persevere! Baby steps... a little at a time...we will get there.

 

[piratelady]

The more I look on my childhood, the more I see the relationship with my brother as abusive. This statement really stood out to me:

But there is a part of the memory where the person was playing a game, and innocently, I was giggling and finding it fun - when the memory came back, I felt a really good feeling as the child recieving seemingly positive attention.

We had good times, it wasn't all bad. When we had fun together, or he was nicer to me, I really enjoyed it and treasured those times.

I was told in therapy that part of the abuse is to change it up and to be kind at times. It helps keep the abused person compliant. As I reflect on the past few years, I can see a lot of similarities between my ex-husband and my brother and step-dad. Maybe it is more that we are attracted to what we are used to, to the familiarity. I really hope that I can find someone who is genuinely caring and that I can make a lot of happy memories with.

Mark told me once that he heard something about how people who have been abused somehow attract the sort of people who are abusive. That as we heal, those abusive people won't be drawn to us anymore. I don't know that I'm saying it right, he said it to me a while back.

 

[maddog]

Sadly, I don't have any input on what a healthy relationship feels like either, as I too have never been in one.

What I do know intellectually is that healthy adult relationships should never involve abuse, physical or emotional, and should never include coercion, fear, intimidation, aggression, dominance or any variation on the above. Constructive safe disagreement and arguing are natural of course, but the point at which one party feels fear, loss of control, domination or undue distress, is the point at which it's not ok.

Sadly, for those of us who were badly abused as children in the absence of safe and stable adult relationships, our threshhold for what constitutes those above unacceptable situations is often dangerously distorted. I know I have been in abusive relationships in which I found myself believing that as the violence and control were considerably less than what I had experienced previously, it must be ok, and certainly not worth making mention of.

What I also know intellectually is that children crave positive attention, and in the absence of it on any sort of reliabel basis, they will seek and indulge in it wherever they can. Any attention, even negative attention, is also often preferred to rejection, and children will silently and compliantly endure a lot if they believe that their abuser actually does care about them, or if they have figured out that an alliance with the abuser is the safest of unsafe options.

Tragically, abusers know this too, and it's how they ensure compliance - providing the child victim with enough positivity and nurturing to secure that child's affection and loyalty. Countless children have fond memories of happy or pleasant times or experiences with their abusers, and often feel terrible shame in later life as they struggle to understand how they could have found any pleasure or comfort in something so damaging.

But it's real, it's normal, and it's inevitable... and it's very hard to move out of that deeply ingrained mindset when we are adults and that child's damaged attachment still bargains with us that any relationship that includes feelings of comfort or nurturing, even some of the time, must be ok, right?

I wish I could know what a healthy relationship felt like. For me, perhaps the defining feature of any relationship, intimate or otherwise, is how safe it feels. I think that healthy relationships should feel safe, all of the time, and never dangerous or threatening. I think they should involve the giving and receiving of affection by both parties, and the establishment and maintenance of behavioural and emotional boundaries by both parties as well.

This is a painful topic, and one I struggle with. Sorry if I've waffled uselessly...

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had such low self esteem I was attracted to men not good for me. But I kept on fighting for better treatment, got myself in therapy, and marriage counseling which worked wonders. Now I have the relationship of my dreams. Even in an argument, the talk is kind to each other. It only took thirty six years. We have been to hell and back. But we finally got it together. I have self respect now. I have self esteem now. I feel alot better about myself and know I am worth fighting for. I guess I got lucky.

Now I am a caregiver for my husband who is very sick. But even when he is upset with me he is gentle and watches himself. But if I had to go out and look for another man I would be very scared. So I do not trust my judgement completely. Interesting thread.

 

[JustBe]

I too seem to attract and only be attracted to the wrong kind of man. Mostly because I have very low self esteem and felt I only deserved a "fixer upper"!

It took many years and terrors for me to swear off men in 1992 after my youngest son was born.

 

[Shellbell]

I agree will all Maddog says above. When you grow up without healthy relationships from your parents, it leads to assuming even unhealth abusive relationships are okay.

I had abusive parents, no other family support and then abusive situations happen one after another - with 7 abusers, plus bullying of different sorts to various degrees occuring over 30 years. In my first marriage I thought the physical and mental abuse I suffered was 'okay' and 'tolerable' - as I had far worse abusive situations previously. I thought the domestic violence marriage I was in was 'normal'. I didn't know any different.

It was only when I got to 30, that I realised that I did not need to tolerate abuse any longer. But it took 3 decades of abuse - some life threatening and extreme - before I realised I actually deserved to not be abused.

My 2nd husband, knows if he ever laid a finger on me, or abused me in any way, that would be the end. No questions asked, no saying sorry, finished. He wouldn't though and I know that.

I think abused people attract abusers and that's why often abuse is not a single event, especially when it's occured from childhood.

 

[Abrasky]

I have the reverse problem. I have a brilliant knack for picking good men, I pick them in 5 minutes, but don't have good ability to stay away from unhealthy women friends.

I always thought my strong awareness that my dad was abusive and disowning him as a parent from 5 influenced my ability to not be put in stupid situations with men. However, my mum also hurt me badly but I didn't know as it was emotional blackmail and I didn't know what that was. So I seem to have no 'amor' for bad women friends. It takes me longer to work out whether my women are harmless or not.. I seem to seek out friends like my mum. Oh not a good choice.

 

[Shellbell]

It's very common for abused children to go to have unhealthy adult relationships, whether friendships or intimate relationships.

We beat ourselves up over this but we shouldn't. But recognising we do this is a positive step towards breaking this cycle. Learning what is acceptable, what isn't and staying away from toxic people is a good start. Having boundaries is another important step.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Growing up in an abusive environment causes a person to fuse love with abuse/danger/fear/pain- "Trauma Bonds". It isn't like they go out searching for abusive people on purpose but they unconsciously recognize abusive personalities in others and it is familiar to them and in a way comforting. Growing up in an abusive environment causes poor self esteem and doesn't teach good coping skills so it is that much harder to get out of abusive relationships.

 

[Philippa]

I always thought my strong awareness that my dad was abusive and disowning him as a parent from 5 influenced my ability to not be put in stupid situations with men. However, my mum also hurt me badly but I didn't know as it was emotional blackmail and I didn't know what that was. So I seem to have no 'amor' for bad women friends. It takes me longer to work out whether my women are harmless or not.. I seem to seek out friends like my mum. Oh not a good choice.

I've noticed that I have trouble with female relationships as well, and tend to pick female friends who either give me the silent treatment for extended periods of time, like my mother used to, or are emotionally abusive in other ways.

It's like whenever I try and have an honest discussion with a female friend about the way their behavior effects me or try to honor both our feelings, it usually ends up with me feeling like I have to take extreme care with their feelings, even though they don't seem to care about my own...which is exactly how my mother is.

I have one female friend like this at the moment, that I really need to break away from. I am starting to attract women who aren't like this though, and I think it is because I am starting to not put up with this from my parents, and other people in general. I'm sttracting more of what I want, even if it's not what I am used to.

I also choose men who are like my father. I thought I used to have good taste in men, before I actually started to look seriously at how not that great my father actually was to me.