Relationship Going For A Timeout

[p-no]

My gut is churning, I feel like I'm about to have diarrhea all day and I've been shaking all day, and not able to concentrate. Red flag? Maybe.

All that is a big whooing alarm, Dallas. Your body is reacting to what your soul is feeling. You are physically suffering from his behaviour. We can discuss what we each consider "normal male behaviour" and then try analyze him, but I suggest looking at you instead of him, Dallas, and analyzing what this has been doing to you because obviously your boundaries were crossed and you were hurt very much. So, the red flag is right there with you. MHO.

 

[p-no]

This man just gave you a ring.

A ring is a ring. No more, no less. What are you going to do with a ring if the guy in the ring behaves that way?

Closing up shop and taking one last look at the things that are being left behind is really very normal male behaviour.

Do you know him? If not, how can you possibly know that he is closing up shop and taking one last look? Why do you assume he won't continue to? I am asking seriously.

 

[p-no]

guess my real question is how will you keep yourself together when he does withdraw in the future

I think that this is not about PTSD, but about people. Everyone has his/her conditions and boundaries. Which is why we should all look at ourselves first and foremost, and not focus on the other. If your boundaries and conditions are not respected, he may not be the right one to marry. This has nothing to do, in my view, with PTSD nor with being a veteran, being an "able supporter", etc. This has to do what you want, what you do not want, what you can live with and cannot... summing it up: with self-honesty.

 

[p-no]

Trust isn't something that you give and give and give. The recipient of the trust you give has to show that he is worth it by not abusing the trust. My definition of a reciprocal and respectful relationship (and I would think it has to be when a ring is in the game), does not include checking internet profiles of women and "just being curious". Also, vanishing into thin air for weeks is a non-negotiable for me. I have PTSD and I can control whether I vanish or whether I deal with this differently. If he can't, he'd have to learn it or he'd not be for me long-term.

I feel for you, Dallas. Seriously. Lots of healing to you.

 

[Dallas]

Thank you very much Prime-no and Gizmo. You both articulated exactly what I am feeling.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

...and he did it while I was at CHURCH for gosh sakes! LOL!!!!

....and if he had to check his email, why did he ONLY check those emails (12) from multiple dating sites? Why didn't he open any other emails from his friends, family or business acquaintences? LOL!!!

really bizarre...lol...

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Bilby]

....and if he had to check his email, why did he ONLY check those emails (12) from multiple dating sites? Why didn't he open any other emails from his friends, family or business acquaintences? LOL!!!

Yeah, I definitely see your point there. Sorry this is happening, Dallas :(

 

[monicaelise]

A ring is a ring. No more, no less. What are you going to do with a ring if the guy in the ring behaves that way?

Do you know him? If not, how can you possibly know that he is closing up shop and taking one last look? Why do you assume he won't continue to? I am asking seriously.

Of course I don't know him, but I suspect you don't either. I don't see why the worst should be assumed here. If the behaviour isn't "normal", it certainly isn't atypical. He gave her an explanation that was believable, and therefore apparently reasonable, so why question it or him now? He's obviously been quite forthright about everything else.

These guys already have so many massive issues that we have to work around, this just doesn't strike me as something worthy of a "suspension". Granted, I don't have particularly strong feelings about this sort of thing in general so my perspective may be skewed. I, personally, am far more concerned about the mood swings, anger, abandonment, sleeplessness, irritability, and social anxiety.

 

[Nicolette]

Went to computer, and saw he visited dating sites

Logged in? Can't you only visit a dating site by being a member and logging in?

He gave her an explanation that was believable, and therefore apparently reasonable, so why question it or him now? He's obviously been quite forthright about everything else.

So, I think this is Dallas' call if she decides to question him. Just because someone is forthright about 'everything else' does not necessarily mean total disclosure and honesty.

I guess my real question is how will you keep yourself together when he does withdraw in the future, if knowing that he has access to other females (that he clearly isn't trying to involve himself with now) affects you this deeply now?

I feel that withdrawal is being confused with disappearance. When we were dating Anthony withdrew at times and he would sit and play computer games as if I didn't exist some days. However, had he 'disappeared' that would not have been acceptable by my standards. If he didn't come out with me but was then chatting to other women well I would have had my feathers ruffled.

Monicaelise if someone gave me a ring, there was talk of moving in together and then he was on dating sites I would be confused, concerned and upset. I personally would have had a similar reaction to Dallas. I feel that you are waving the PTSD wand over this issue IMHO by saying "they already have so many massive issues". Don't be in a relationship if you are not at a stage where you can manage one - its not fair on either party; otherwise be upfront and if both parties agree to an arrangement well so be it.

I, personally, am far more concerned about the mood swings, anger, abandonment, sleeplessness, irritability, and social anxiety.

I would put withdrawal in the same basket as abandonment. While there is nothing wrong with 'looking' I would be wanting to know what he did on those sites. Like if he closed his accounts and took his profile down I get that. But it is suggested that he still has 'old' profiles up. If you are serious about dating someone why would you still leave a profile up? That's my take on it.

 

[monicaelise]

Hi Nicolette, I respect your insight and opinion, but I'm going to have to disagree with the bit about wand waving. I don't, and wouldn't, condone putting up with any sort of behaviour that I found unacceptable in a non-sufferer just because a sufferer is dealing with all of the massive issues I mentioned. I do, however, believe it's wise to choose your battles and that if someone has given you an explanation that you believe is reasonable (and again presumably honest) I don't think it's necessary to bust their chops further about it. We've all been told that relationships frequently become triggers over and over again. Why go out of our way to make that happen? Relationships are hard enough when both parties are healthy and whole.

Again, as I said previously, this particular offense doesn't really strike me as offensive as other posters seem to find it, so perhaps I'm just not really understanding what all the hubbub is about. I understand the need for boundaries, but this just doesn't strike me as a violation. I guess it basically comes down to our individual policies with this sort of thing, but if someone is good to me...kind, loving, considerate, patient, and honest (and he does appear to have been honest)... I just can't see alienating them over this kind of thing. But, again, that's just me.

 

[Nicolette]

I don't, and wouldn't, condone putting up with any sort of behaviour that I found unacceptable in a non-sufferer just because a sufferer is dealing with all of the massive issues I mentioned

I am of the same view as you here monicaelise. I figure a few of us and you have a different compass when it comes to the situation outlined. I am not totally disagreeing with your viewpoint either, and respect it, I just would need to know the purpose of going on the dating sites before I made my decision.

I know a guy who recently joined a dating website and was talking to two girls. Once he decided he wanted to try and see how things worked out with one of the two ladies he took his profile down. I questioned him about it and he said if he wanted to see if it worked he couldn't be distracted by others as it wasn't fair to her or him. If it doesn't work out he will make his profile active/visible but in the meantime, as he is communicating with one lady he believes that is the right thing to do. I am of the same view. When you start talking rings etc I would have expected that any active profiles (which would have triggered those emails) to have been done and dusted.

 

[Dallas]

After I had time to think for awhile after the incident occurred, some things didn't make sense, and I need time to process everything. That is why I asked him for a time out.