Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Thank you, (((Debbie)))), for your kindness.

Dear dear p-no, I will try that. I might never get to the stage of posted notes, but that's ok too. You are so very kind. I hope we can all leave what is useless, (and makes us feel badly), behind one day.

I do say to myeslf. "how important is it"? And even more so than the fact that it isn't in the scheme of the world, it also is not the person I like to be in response.

I guess it will take a bit to risk trusting or talking, but that's not really required right now. And my body has to get it together, though it's strange but when it reacts to these kind of things I actually feel a little less stupid, that it's not just all in my head is what I mean. (I'll work on the 'stupid' word as well, p-no, xoxox).

But thank you everyone for your kindness, always amazes me how one can say anything here.
((((((((((((((((((((((( :hug: ))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Tinyflame]

I know part of what it is, I've found the words for my doubt: this sister usually is correct- not always as regards what she thinks others think of her or how they see her, but for the most part describing others' motivations, or thoughts, etc. She is very intelligent but also has a knack for reading other people. You would not know it from what I've said, but she is also big-hearted and says it like it is, and direct.

I realize "you are a waste of space" etc is on the extreme end, and to stop those 'thoughts as p-no said.

But perhaps in other ways she is correct? And about what she says others think of me, or more accurately what they think and feel in response to how I am, and her even describing how I am, is correct. That makes me want to hide for lack of any term, it is within the context of being burdensome and a bother.

How can she be right about so much, but that be wrong. Maybe I am doing everyone a favour to not be around, just a weight and a burden and a pain, at best.

 

[Abstract]

Can't type now as will get into trouble from H but sending you a hug Junebug. You are very valuable and valued.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Junebug I am at a loss of what to say. I am here to listen and to support. I care about you and think you are a wonderful person. You are so sweet and kind. Big hugs.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Abstract, for your kind words, I know that you are. ((((((Hugs))))))

Yes, I guess that's (at least some, or much), of it. My sister frequently tells me I have ruined her life. And thus if I hadn't existed, it wouldn't have been. She repeats that (vehemently) sober, as well. And as I didn't ask for things, it's simply because I have been there. And therefore I will do and do that to others, to a greater or lesser degree. And of course knowing how I am, this ptsd business, I do feel like a burden on others. If they are 'nasty', it's natural that's their response, if they are kind it will cause damage, as it has to her.[DOUBLEPOST=1352572300][/DOUBLEPOST](((((Dear Gizmo))))), thank you. YOU are so sweet and kind, I've never seen you fail to reach out to everyone. :hug:

 

[p-no]

Yes, I guess that's (at least some, or much), of it. My sister frequently tells me I have ruined her life. And thus if I hadn't existed, it wouldn't have been. She repeats that (vehemently) sober, as well. And as I didn't ask for things, it's simply because I have been there.

Do you actually realize that you are turning your sister into God by taking what she says as the whole and nothing but the truth? She is a person, a human, like you and me and all the others. We are all the same.

 

[p-no]

How can she be right about so much, but that be wrong.

She can because she is a human being. All (all!) my abusers have been people, human beings, not monsters from hell. They all had their good sides. They all didn't see everything wrongly. They all had views on life or people or whatever that were totally okay and even good. A person usually not black or white but grey.

This has been the most difficult thing to overcome with the help of therapy: realize that all my abusers are people like me.

I still sometimes now feel pure hatred, despise, towards my mother. She died in December 2007. But sometimes I get so very angry that I would like to kill her for what she did to me. Then, while I still feel all those feelings, other feelings and thoughts come up as well and all of it is in me at the same time: I understand. I understand why she could not act differently. She grew up with the same abusers around her. She, too, was sexually abused, physically, emotionally, spiritually. She had just gotten 17 when I was born. I understand, and sometimes I feel compassion for her and sad for having lost her before she could make more progress regarding her own healing, and thus, regarding those of "us" as a mother and a child. Sometimes I feel love for her, too. Rarely, but not never.

None of that understanding for her, of the compassion for her, or the love, changes anything about the responsibility she had had when she decided to have me and when she had me. None of it changes the fact that she was the mother, the adult, and me the child. Nothing will ever change anything about that. She was the one who "should have" but didn't.

My mother had friends, and good friends too. She had godchildren and often went to spend time with them. She never took me. I was left behind at an early age seeing a happy person leave the apartment we were living in while I was to stay (no food, no nothing).

My mother had very good views on protecting the environment, on acceptance of people with disabilities, from other cultures, etc. Excellent views. She helped everyone in need of her help and left me behind, did not see what I needed and did not give it to me.

I could go on and on. She was both, good and bad. When she had died, I went to her house to sort through her belongings. A friend of hers saw me, came and said: "Why her? Why does such a good, wonderful person have to die so early in life? I don't understand!" He was lost and desperate. And he has no clue how close he was to getting my full-blown anger raining down on him... But there it was again. She was loved and appreciated. While she treated me like a hamster in a cage (and the animals in her life usually got food and water and the cage cleaned, not so me), would hit me and scream at me what your sister has been screaming at you, she was also a good person in some ways.

None of us is perfect and all good. There is no such thing. Your sister can be right about some things and terribly, terribly wrong about all others.

(((Junebug)))

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear p-no, thank you for sharing all that. If I was there, (and it was ok), I'd give you the Biggest of Hugs. The pain cuts so deep, there aren't really words. I so wish I could take yours away, also. Sometimes it feels like a big deep cavern of sorrow that if tears did pop out they'd never stop.

Thank you for that. I have so tried to reconcile how someone so wonderful as my sister could be/ have been abusive.

She always says that if I had been different, 6 years ago, things/ her life would be perfect, that I 'ruined' that. But oddly enough, this is the weekend- Rememberance Day, specifically- when I was so desperate 6 years ago I e-mailed anonymously a stranger. It had been preceeded by months, and specifically days, of the most terrifying time in my life- Top 2. I thought she'd kill me, for sure. Actually, I thought she must be on drugs (?), or a brain tumour. I cannot look back and say that time was 'ok', or sane, or my response to it, either, no matter what she says.

What complicates matters is that I don't even know if she remembers it, she seems to lump it all together with one night (chaotic and frightening) 6 months later.

Really oddly enough, I have thought of this time of year normally as a positive: first it was terrifying to be reminded of it, then it was unbelievable that I survived it, then I had gratitude and amazement to have survived it.

And also funny you should say it, about being God, because the only thing many times, well no after years of my priest (the one I had e-mailed anonymously) saying that kept me 'here' was that he always says God makes/ made everyone a child of God, that we All (even *me*, therefore) have dignity because of that being our primary identity, first (as a child of God). And that God doesn't make mistakes. So I've thought to myself (though apologetically to her), that it isn't my 'choice' I'm 'here', but God's.

But even then, I feel so required to defend it, even if only from God's position as to why I exist. Sometimes I wonder, maybe there's some exception to the rule.

And she has been on the receiving end in the past from abuse from her bf. Part of me only thinks of that.

It's so hard to believe otherwise. Perhaps because feeling that way also infers a responsibilty (to me) to not impose it on others.

Dear dear p-no, I am so sorry for the things we've gone through and heard and try to shake or drown out to need to shake so hard to try to believe otherwise. Or even 'trust' otherwise.

(((((((((Biggest of Big Hugs)))))), thank you my dear friend, xoxoxoxox.

 

[Abstract]

Aghh... I wrote a long response and lost it! Closed the whole site somehow.

 

[p-no]

Junebug, Thanks for caring and for the hugs! :) But you know what, there isn't so much of that deep pain about this anymore. That's what I have been trying to say: it is possible to process it, grieve it and let it go. I know these words have all been abused and/or misused severely, but I really mean it. Letting go is not step one, two or three. It's one of the final ones and, at least in my case, it has to be done several if not many times over.

Also, to be honest, I do not understand how you can view your sister as "so wonderful". If she were, she wouldn't be saying and doing the things she's been saying and doing. Just to make sure to not have given a wrong impression in my post: I do not think that my mother was in any way wonderful. I think thinking that have been big-time denial.

Big hugs to you, dear Junebug! Thinking of you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Junebug))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[p-no]

I wrote a long response and lost it!

Just saying, Abstract: I can write a whole post, then quote a part of the post I have been replying to and all written so far would be gone leaving only the quote. I found out that by pressing "Ctrl." and "z" together, it would be undone, i.e. quote gone again and what I wrote back. Maybe this could help?!? Now I always quote everything first and then comment on them in the reply field.

Sorry you lost what you wrote, Abstract, it sucks. :(

 

[Abstract]

Junebug,
I hate to say this but I would describe your sisters behaviour as emotionally and verbally abusive. The good that someone does or the skills they have do not somehow delete or excuse bad behaviour. I believe that thinking in this way is one of the main things that keeps us trapped in damaging situations. It can be very hard to break the habit when we have been brought up being made responsible for others feelings, behaviour etc as children.

Even the very worst of people in the world have redeeming factors. That does not stop them from being responsible when they do wrong.

In certain ways your sister sounds as if she has some things in common with mine. My sister is very intuitive and is also bright. Sadly there are times that she uses these skills to know how to best wound others.

I eventually realised that there were certain things I needed to do to stay safe with her. I do not ever share a single thing about how I am feeling with her or any troubles I may have. I do not speak about my mother, father or cousin to her or anything to do with therapy. I could not live with her and if I am under the same roof for an period of time I think through what I need to avoid to be ok.

She did not like it all when I put these things in place but thankfully her therapist supported me and said I was protecting our relationship. And I was/am whilst protecting myself. I love my sister more than anyone in the world but she can be very damaging for me. I battle negative voices in my head enough without having them topped up from the outside.

I have been (almost) free from abusive or damaging relationships for about two years now. For the first time in my life. I can tell you that it makes such a difference. Don't underestimate what these can do to those of us with a past and trying to heal.

May I suggest you share the details when situations like this come up? It might feel scary or exposed but it can help a lot. To change these things we tend to need a lot of reality checks and support.

I will also say that putting boundaries up like I have with my sister resulted in me mourning the relationship I was never going to have with her. The relationship that I would like to have had with her. I had to look at her, me and us realistically and deal with it and make plans that way rather than living as if all those things were different. Her safer, me less vulnerable, our relationship less potentially damaging to both of us.

That has resulted in a safe and constant relationship with her in which I am no longer being repeatedly being damaged.