He Keeps Contacting Me

[Sues]

Thanks everyone. I'll update you on how it goes. The first step is the 'TRO' or Temporary Restraining Order. I go (hopefully tomorrow) before a judge, plead my case, and they grant (or not) a TRO that goes into effect immediately. I have him served with it.

That stays in effect until we both go to court for a permanent restraining order (it lasts 3-5 yrs). I'll have to face him in court at this time as he gets to plead his case. :yuck:

 

[Shellbell]

Sues, I am really sorry you are having to go through this.

I'm glad you are getting the TRO and I hope that goes smoothly tomorrow with the judge. I'm glad you have support at work as well.

Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to phone the police if you have any further contact or issues with him.

 

[Sues]

OK, I just wrote up the attachment for the request for the TRO for tomorrow. That was really hard to do. I had to write about my ex and what he did and said and stuff. Ugghhh!!!!

I feel better about the whole thing for tomorrow though. Having this written up makes me feel like I'm more ready. Good news is I won't see my ex until a later court date. Bad news is he will be pissed and out for blood. I'm trying not to think about it!

 

[mamachick]

Oh Sues I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You have to get the restraining order, as you likely already know, a business cannot get an order of protection. However, there should not be difficulty with security removing him unless it is someplace such as a mall. I hope you get the temp. PO tomorrow.

If he is retired municipal officer, call county or state police, other depts are often less sympathetic.

 

[Sues]

The judge denied my request for a TRO for a domestic violence restraining order. They claim there's not enough evidence of violence. Oh, so he's got to either beat me up, kill me, or at least threaten to kill me in front of others and it has to have been recently. :banghead:

Now I have to go to a different city (and courthouse) tomorrow and try to get a TRO for a Civil Harassment Restraining order.

The judicial system is really messed up. They protect the abuser and make the victim run around in circles and stress out with nothing to show for their effort.

 

[ms spock]

Gosh that is rough Sues!

 

[JustBe]

" he will be pissed"
" there's not enough evidence of violence. Oh, so he's got to either beat me up, kill me, or at least threaten to kill me in front of others and it has to have been recently."


This is bringing up lots of scary memories for me. Please contact your local domestic violence support group and ask for an advocate to go to court with you. They will also be a witness to any harassment or stalking.

Please stay safe.

 

[Whitneys story]

Sues, cases like yours are always very difficult. Our system in the US is very poorly handled. Unfortunately due to fear of the victims. So many times the offender instills so much fear victims back out of prosecution.

Do you have anyone who could stay with you for a while until you get the restraining order. If you are in the US I would suggest going to the local prosecuting attorneys office with your letters and any evidence that proves his actions. Our state laws all very, I believe you can still file but might need to pay for the RO. It is not extremely expensive. Be very cautious and protect yourself. Hugs Whitney

 

[Shellbell]

Sues, I'm really sorry the TRO was denied. I know how you feel and how invalidating of your situation that is.

The legal system is crap for victims. I tried to get a RO when an abuser came out of prison and immediately started harrassing me and approaching me and was told by the police as there were no witnesses, I couldn't. That was 20 years ago and the system hasn't improved much in some countries.

As advised by others, take good care of yourself and be cautious.

Hugs :hug:

 

[Sues]

Do you have anyone who could stay with you for a while until you get the restraining order.

My adult son lives with me. We both left my ex together. My son's very big and very protective of his Mom. :D

The restraining orders are free if there's any violence. It's just a matter of convincing a judge to say ok and agree. Unfortunately that's not easy.

There's no evidence, I never called the police like I should have. I was too afraid. The letters he's sent are upsetting and manipulative, but he's smart enough (and a retired police officer) to know not to openly threaten me in writing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

That is the insidiousness of stalking. He lives to terrorize you. Unless he finds another target he will remain fixated on you. I am so sorry you are not getting the help and support you need. You are in my prayers if that is ok. Be safe. Big hugs.

 

[mamachick]

sues-I do think cops are the worst. They know how to get around the system. I live in U.S. too. I am very disappointed at our justice system when it comes to this.

I was an abuse victim in the early 80's. Even though the cops found me unconscious and ex standing over me with a club, they couldnt arrest him, they didnt see anything, and could not take witnesses word for it. There were no protective orders.

In 2000, I began working with victims. All the new laws and grants and money dumpted into domestic violence work and the system is a failure. In our county alone, we have a shelter, and extra prosecutor and magistrate just to handle dv cases-and it still doesn't work. My niece just went through this and I went to court with her after her bf knocked her down stairs and injured her. Since it was his second offense, they gave him 30 days in jail and let him out in 20 because jail was full. He continues to contact her even though he was told "no contact". She doesnt report his contact because they will just all go back to court, miss work, and nothing ever happens. I still tell her to report, but if you report calls /texts to police they get really irritated with victim and are subject to re-victimization from officers. They treat you like you are a nuisance.

Now if police go on a domestic call, they are instructed to arrest someone-ALWAYS. Sometimes its an arguement and does not warrant arrest. The arrested person will have to hire an attorney, spend about $5000, miss work, etc. I have seen innocent people arrested. Lawyers make a lot of money on dv cases, and there are many public jobs filled through grant money-LOTS of money. They even encourage the accused to turn around and accuse the victim, more people make money. Yet the real victims run around in circles trying to stay safe.

The magistrates are often high school graduated and have no legal background. Many are incompetent. I saw a protective order given to a man because the woman said that he had mental defects and tried to get out of his car-he claimed this put him in fear. The magistrate was an 80 yr old woman with no legal background. Some have said that magistrates need to pass competency tests as they often do not know the law.

While being careful and keeping yourself safe is the first issue, if you have access to a counselor, they can help you in dealing with the emotions that arise form his lurking indirect contacts. Internal changes can help more than anything. Protective orders often do not work but may deter him from contact. Some abusers pay no attention-and sad but true, suffer little or no consequences.

You are in my prayers, stay safe.
Brat