We Aren't Communicating

[Pencil]

Albatross and Stenni - yeah, I'm going overboard with the 'scatological' here, simply because I find it such an odd word to use.

 

[JustBe]

Time for a new T! Preferably one without issues!

 

[Abstract]

Although I think it is an unfortunate word choice I actually think in context one can see what someone means mostly if we do not have interpersonal issues that get in the way of understanding someones meaning.

The first part of the word sounds like "scattered" and really that is what we are talking about here. When our logic gets scattered because of old hurts and other issues. When we don't have other issues interfering with our understanding then we can look past many things and still see what someone means.

All of that still doesn't answer the T seeming to take the issue personally though. That is where I think the problem lies here and what is likely to stop it being a healthy interaction.

Looking at how our ways of relating can be perceived by others can be painful but cause growth but the T needs to be stable and a constant anchor through it all.

 

[Hashi]

It's hard to understand your T's approach.

I'm wondering if the issue isn't that you're not communicating but the perceived relationship/dynamic. I'm very precise about words too, and I know that my private therapist is happy to work with that. At the same time, I can imagine some of the NHS professionals I know seeing it as challenging or trying to undermine/reject her authority as the therapist.

You've used words here like "challenging her" and "pinning her down". These are quite direct, and it sounds like your querying her meanings is also quite direct. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be direct. You should be able to express yourself however you like. I think, though, that she probably has a perception of your approach in sessions that she's responding to with a strategy, albeit one that's not clear to you.

Especially if she's got experience of DBT, she should be used to dealing with all sorts of behaviour, comments and emotions without taking it personally. Whether it's actually helpful to you is a different question, but I think it's very likely that there's a rationale to her approach.

Otherwise she really is taking it personally, in which case she shouldn't be seeing clients and I think you'd have to stop seeing her.

Assuming she has some grip on things, the only options would seem to be:
- continuing as you are and seeing how it pans out
- trying to talk to her about it from a different angle
- asking if you can transfer to see someone different
- switching to a private T of your own choice.

If you were to try talking from a different angle - I don't know exactly what you've talked about and how so far, but I'd suggest it's something simple with I statements and an open question, like "I'm worried I won't get to the point of being able to talk about the trauma. I feel stuck. Could you tell me how you see things?"

 

[Abstract]

Hi Stenni,

How are you doing? I imagine that this much all be pretty overwhelming as lot has been discussed here.

I also wondered if it might help you to describe a situation where she became upset by you not understanding what she meant. To maybe tell us the words and who she looked.

Sending you some comfort.

 

[Sandstone]

Thanks to everyone who has responded with thoughts ad suggestions. I'm digesting them, and will reply later today. My thinking is currently changing every half hour

Since it's finally stopped raining I'm also going to do some heavy outdoor work and brisk walking to try to burn off the tension/panic around the issue. I need to be able to sleep

 

[Abstract]

Much caring Stenni. I think you are brave looking at it. I hope you get some rest. Sometimes there are more than one truth and many shades of grey.

 

[Sandstone]

I've spent several days, sometimes pondering this, and sometimes doing my utmost to avoid thinking about it.

The message I'm getting here (Forum) overall, is that I'm being aggressive and defensive. That ties in with my original though that I'm using it all as a barrier. I can't mange to convince myself it's all my fault though.

But when I think "Right, I'll resolve to put all that behind me and engage as fully as possible" I still don't know how to do therapy , or how to ask T for the information I need in order to be able to do it. Whenever I do ask, it seems to be the wrong thing to do. That's why I thought it must be an issue of language.

I was expecting therapy to be a co-operative venture, but it seems to me that T wants me to be extremely passive and just go along whatever lines she has planned for the week. But if that's the case, why does she so dislike me asking what is on the agenda for the session?
And what am I meant to do with the thoughts, realisations, fears, questions that have come up through the week? Being so aware of the limited time, I skim over them, or ignore them completely to allow time for what has been scheduled. If I do raise anything, we never follow up.

For instance, a few weeks ago I insisted on discussing my fears because my first abuser would be visiting my mother, who lives in our annexe, and I couldn't cope with seeing him.​

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T said, "Well say you don't want to see him. You do have a choice you know. You could have a prior appointment"​

​

I put it into action, and as I expected the consequences were dire.​

My mother asked "Will you be eating with us when xxx comes?" and I replied that I wouldn't. She asked if I was sure, and said it had been a long time since I'd seen him. I said "I really don't want to". At the end of the conversation she said "So I'll cook for all of us"​

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On the day, I had planned to be out, but having not slept for two nights thought I would be unsafe to drive, and locked myself in the house, in bed. watching TV.​

​

The outcomes were​

• that my mother didn't acknowledge my existence for 9 days - she walked past with her head averted,
• and that I didn't answer the door to the support worker who was booked to come that afternoon, as I wasn't sure who was there.

​

But T hasn't asked about it since, so either she thinks it's fixed, or I shouldn't have raised it to start with.​

You've used words here like "challenging her" and "pinning her down"

I used challenge because it's used so often here - I thought it was the right word. What I'm doing is saying "I don't understand"", or "That doesn't compute" or "Why are we doing this"

she probably has a perception of your approach in sessions that she's responding to with a strategy, albeit one that's not clear to you.

That's the whole problem. I have no idea where we are going, so I don't see how it can be a shared journey. I never know what's coming up, or if we are ignoring something we talked about last week because in her mind it's finished, or unimportant or out of sequence.
I want to get some clarity on what is happening, but I can't find a way to ask that she can hear.

We expect people to follow along and are mystified when they lose track or do not follow along. But it's because we haven't TOLD them or communicated how we got there.

It seems to me that T and I are both doing this.


Overall, my strategy is going to be to go to the next two sessions, do my utmost to put all the confusion aside and engage as fully as possible with whatever is presented. I'll pretend everything is OK, and focus on listening actively (by which I mean checking if I understand it, trying to remember what is said, find links to hang it on and look for applications).

I'm not sure if I should raise two "aha's" I've had recently,or whether I'm meant to be keeping them to myself, but I think if I ask, we'll get back into the same old circuit. So for now I'll just art journal them.

 

[saffy]

I still don't know how to do therapy

I think everyone finds this hard. Sometimes I think it is just best to not be looking for a specific outcome or agenda. I often over analyse things and go into great unnecessary questioning to which if I am honest there will be no clear answer because I like to think that therapy is like a journey that has no set direction but paths are changed depending where you are at that moment.

I don't understand"", or "That doesn't compute" or "Why are we doing this"

I find when I feel like this I can get really confrontational without realising it sometimes. I start to challenge them in a way that seems aggressive or defensive instead of just asking to discuss points I do not understand properly. If I do come across as challenging they tend to just skirt round or change the subject because they seem to think I am going to cause some sort of argument over it.

It was not till someone pointed this out that I realised how bad I was.

I hope you can find a way of communicating better with her. Discussing the feelings you had through the week should encourage more thought and reasoning about them.

Best wishes
Saffy :)