Scapegoating In The Family And Its Consequence.

[Philippa]

Big hugs ((((Philippa)))). I'm sorry my stuff triggered you. I hope you are okay?

It's upsetting stuff...but it's not your fault. I'm ok now, just had to lie down and pat my cat for a while and let some tears flow. It's past now.

 

[Shellbell]

I'm very glad you are okay. It's such painfully horrible stuff :hug:

 

[Abstract]

It is just beyond belief and understanding isn't it?! :( None of us here would ever be able to behave like that. As Ms Spock said it is not human. It takes a special type of self serving cruelty to do something like that Shellbell. And I can totally see why it would drive you to SU. Miss Spock and Phillipa both said it all perfectly. It is a betrayal at the deepest level.

What I have realised is that being blamed for others welfare or victimisation when it hasn't been my fault hurts more than anything else. I know that is only one aspect of this but wanted to add that.

And I think it is normal for us to keep going back to try to get the love we haven't received. It is so impossibly painful to accept we will never get what every child needs that there is a desperation there. a desperation to hang onto an illusion. And going back and back is very re injuring. So I think you going back and back was normal in the context of how hurt you were Shellbell but I am sorry as I can hear how painful that is.

And Ms Spock, your parents sound like animals. Actually animals don't torture other living creatures so we wont insult animals. I hope that is Ok to say.

Hugs to all that need them.

 

[ms spock]

I want people in my life that I can agree to disagree with and still be able to maintain the connection.

I don't let myself get angry. If I disagree I often disappear.

I think you are great for letting yourselves your angry.

I don't feel anger on my own behalf most of the time.

 

[Abstract]

I don't feel anger on my own behalf most of the time.

Hi Ms Spock. I never did either. Ever. I had to practice hard to start feeling any and it took a long long time. I used to fake it till I made it and still mostly do. I'm not talking about aggression here. I could not do it at all and it facilitated people walking all over me.

 

[ms spock]

I think that's a worthwhile goal to aim for gizmo. I've managed to be able to manifest that in my own life, and I'm pretty happy with the circle I keep at the moment. They are all very intelligent, humane, empathic people that I know I can disagree with and still remain civil towards. Its' a great thing to be able to achieve this.

That is a great achievement Philippa!

 

[ms spock]

And Ms Spock, your parents sound like animals. Actually animals don't torture other living creatures so we wont insult animals. I hope that is Ok to say.

Totally appropriate Abstract.

I will have to reread and respond to this thread tomorrow.

I appreciate the honesty and the experiences shared.

 

[Shellbell]

I think being blamed for my sister's sexual abuse is more damaging than anything my parents did directly to me. I would have willingly taken any abuse from anyone (and did later on during my worst trauma period), if it meant my sisters were spared and protected. I virtually brough my sisters up due to my mother neglecting us all and I was very protective of them.

My sister was told that her abuse was my fault. She has had negative emotions towards me ever since ranging from hating me - to tolerating me, but only if allow her to be bitchy to me whenever she feels like it, which of course I've always tolerated out of the horrendous guilt put on me.

She won't have anything bad said about our parents, she was the favourite. She's in a huge amount of denial herself. It's very sad.

 

[Abstract]

I understand what you are saying Shellbell. :( It is all almost inevitable considering what your parents did and the nature of these things. I was trying to figure out why being blamed for stuff that is cruel and vindictive has affected me so much and I am not sure but I think part of it is again about having my identity and what is good about me stolen. My care for others and my "self". As well as the ruin of relationships that inevitably results and when we dont have many to spare.

Even little stuff has affected me deeply when it fits those specs. Like my mother telling my sister that I hated her wedding dress and thought it looked tacky and the afternoon before she got married and when she tried her dress on for me. The hurt on her face and impossibility of making it right and taking back who I really am was not great.

Things like blaming you for the abuse one can't come back from. Not for you and not for sister. And not for your role in the family. None of it was true and you are faultless and your sisters lucky to have you in their lives. All this rests on your parents heads and on those who were the perpetrators and I know you can claim that back with time.

 

[Philippa]

And then, on top of all that, to turn your sister against you by brainwashing her into thinking it was your fault she was abused...I just can't express what I feel about your parents right now. They are just too sad for words. Sorry to say it, but that really is just so low and lame, and so very controlling of them. They knew what they were doing.

 

[Philippa]

Even little stuff has affected me deeply when it fits those specs. Like my mother telling my sister that I hated her wedding dress and thought it looked tacky and the afternoon before she got married and when she tried her dress on for me. The hurt on her face and impossibility of making it right and taking back who I really am was not great.

Your mother made up a story about you saying that and told your sister that soon to her getting married??:O_o:

So she wanted to upset your sister on her special day AND ruin your relationship with her all in one foul swoop?

Just...Wow!?!

 

[Shellbell]

I agree Philippa.

Abstract, your Mother wanted to ruin your sisters wedding and hurt both of you in the process. It's appalling she would do that to you both.

I've often thought my mother was jealous of the relationship I had with my sisters and needed so badly to destroy that. It seems your mother is similar.

I'm really sorry that happened to you ((((Abstract)))).