Expressing yourself or complaining?

[99Phoenix99]

I'm having a difficult time with this.

As a young child I had the phrase "No one likes a whiner" engraved in my head.

And when I played sports coaches drilled it into your head "Don't complain. Just do it." or they'd simply say "Suck it up."

So that's what I did. At the time I never really had much to complain about anyway so it made sense. And when I did complain it was about trivial things and that was pointed out to me ... so I kept reapeating that to myself so I could overcome that. So I wouldn't become vapid.

So when I initially got sick, hospitalized and the whole shabang I still had it in my head "Don't complain. Don't whine. Do what needs to be done." So I'd go to the hospitals, I'd get stabbed with more needles than I could count, I missed school, and I'd have differnet medicines and treatments tested on me.

Rarely did I complain.

No one likes a whiner.

Now that I'm at a point where I'm trying to come to terms with things.... I'm having difficulties differentiating between what expressing myself means to what complaining means.

To me .... anytime I say I don't feel well it sounds like a complaint. But... is that expressing myself?

I'm very confused about this.

Especially with that last post I made, The "I'm so stupid" post in the depression section, I wrote that this past week because I was in the hospital. And I was unbearably upset.

I'm looking at it again and I can't tell if that's expressing how I feel or just flat out complaining and whining. And it's really bothering me. Lately I feel like when I talk about myself all I've been doing is complaining :/

Does anyone else have this problem?

 

[piratelady]

I would be curious to see what others have to say as well. I have the same problem/difficulty.

My therapist keeps telling me to talk to my friends about the things that bother me, but it feels like whining and complaining so I hate to do it. He insists it is not.

 

[Abstract]

I have a different slant on this. I feel like I am manipulating others to respond. It's pretty obvious how others will respond to us usually and I feel firstly that I have made them. I doubt their sincerity. And i do feel like I am making a drama about nothing and complaining. No real answers but am listening! Sorry you feel this way. I can see it being very damaging for you.:hug: I know mine has been for me and has stopped me getting the support I need.

 

[Tanishq]

In my opinion, some people are too hard on themselves.

It's all fine to have your opinion, your saying. It's good to let out those all things you don't like.

I don't complaint, but I allow myself to tell this is not fine. That is not well. But later don't dwell on it because it can become more problematic to me.

 

[aka]

In my opinion, some people are too hard on themselves.

Very true I am one of those people. As my T puts it "you are your own worst enemy".

I sometimes have trouble seeing a difference between expressing my own feels and the concept of whining. Because of this I rarely complain even when I have the right to.I do this so that I don't make another person upset with me because then they might not want anything to do with me. Having had only one sided friendships most of my life I can see were this problem stems from

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is just my opinion but I think complaining is talking about the problem only and not doing anything about changing the situation. It is victim thinking, waiting for something to magically fix the problem.

Espressing yourself is for the purpose of addressing a situation where the intention is to fix it, get advise on how to deal with it and get support for it.

I hate the do not whine liners. We do not need the unneccesary guilt placed upon us while we are struggling with a problem. We cannot heal alone. We need each other for help. I hope this helps to explain the difference.

 

[Tinyflame]

((((Dear gizmo)))).

Though I fear the same, gizmo is right, is it so bad to be honest, upfront, supportive and compassionate to and with each other?

 

[Red Feather]

I agree with Gizmo on this as well. I have a similar issue and am really scared of being a burden on someone. So I also find it hard to talk about my problems. My mother also said that complaining was against God's will etc. I always think people must think I am like a broken record. People who grow up with poor boundaries have this problem.

 

[Ayasha]

I struggle with this as well, I have so much difficulty in saying if I am feeling bad because I think that I'm just exaggerating it or whining. My family often tells me I am overreacting to things when I get upset which doesn't help in my learning to express emotions.

Something my counselor has been telling me is that it's important to express your emotions because that is how you are feeling and feelings are something our brains do to react to our environment. She says it does me no good to push the feelings away.

I have been trying what she says and I won't lie, it does often feel like I'm overreacting half the time but when I do express the emotions I am saying how I feel at that moment. The feelings may not last long but they are there and by expressing them I am acknowledging them and allowing them to pass over me in a much healthier way than blaming myself for feeling or expressing something I "shouldn't feel".

It's a work in progress but I'm getting better at it, maybe someone else has tried this too and seen more results? I've only done it a few times.

 

[Tanishq]

I rarely complain even when I have the right to.

Then it is not called as complaining. You're expressing what you're feeling. If you look up for meaning of whining, you will come to know whining is something you keep crying that something is negative for you. You're making excuse to avoid something. Of course, it is not good things.

When people tell you that you're whining, Just have a look at their lives. You will find them most whining people. :laugh:

Most people even don't know what is it to express yourself honestly. Most people don't know the meaning of validation.

Having had only one sided friendships most of my life I can see were this problem stems from

I understand. I have been there,too. It is most difficult thing. You keep feeling that you are the one who is doing everything for friendship and you end up feeling drained with yourself. It doesn't help and in the end it makes you feel bad. I am sorry you had this kind of friendships. But you can stop repeating it. Just learn the mistake you made, correct it and find new people. Don't repeat that mistake and don't blame yourself for your past,too. So it doesn't keep reminding you that you had bad and one sided friendships before.

if you keep this in mind, you will be repeating the behavior when you were one sided friendship. I am talking about letting go and I know it is hard to do so.

Just be gentle on yourself like we all forum members are on you. :)

 

[Rumors]

I think it is cool that you recognize that you have a conflict with yourself about expressing feelings. I do the same thing. I think anything that has to do with expressing emotion is complaining however, that is not how I teach my son. I have tried to let him know the importance of him being heard. In my mind, I think it boils down to that for us. Were you heard as a kid? When you did talk, were your feelings validated or dismissed? It is really hard to break a cycle that is more automatic than anything. When I feel sad, I usually go be alone, cry for a minute, then tell myself how selfish I am being or how totally ridiculous this is and get back to the duties of life. For me, I don't even know how to express emotion. When someone asks me how I am, my stock answer is "fine." Is that an emotion?

Anyway, you are doing a good thing by recognizing this. It is doubtful, to me anyway, you complain. I hope you are able to find the balance that gives you the ability to express your feeling without leaving you feeling like it was wrong. You deserve to be able to say, "I feel bad today," and not feel guilty. If you have kids, you would encourage them to do the same.

Best wishes and keep the faith!!!

 

[anni]

Oh, and I think it probably is not at all helpful that we recognize when people ARE whining and manipulating for real and it's kind of 'iew' to watch, isn't it? Not wishing to be thought one of 'Them' adds to the disinclination to even say 'ouch', for me, anyway. Plus, there's this whole 'doubt' thing in the medical community in my experience which doesn't exactly encourage patients to be clear about what they might be feeling. I've always felt this thing where i almost have to 'prove' something is as I say it is, lack the general ego to do so.

You can see where the answer to your question is Gosh Yes! :) I think you put your finger on it hence addressed it far earlier than I was able to, from the sounds of it. You didn't ask for solutions- mine happened organically, anyway- nothing at ALL to do with me being intelligent in approach. I have one doc who listens beautifully,knows about the PTSD and of course the medical conditions, been my Primary Care doc for years. If I feel I just lack the ability to speak up ever, or am being dismissed, he has me get in touch with his so he can call the other doc and 'splain things. It transpires it's a great solution, although like I said, nothing to do with some grand idea I had, just kind of grew through time.

And no, you're not complaining, please do know that. Of course not, you're feeling dreadful, plus sad, saying so, who would not? Do take care, ok?