Expressing yourself or complaining?

[rightkindofme]

The way I handle this "It's not good exactly but it is what I do" is I put all of my complaining and whining in my blog. It's an opt-in audience. I don't have to feel guilty about feeling what I am feeling and the people who are there are there because they love me and want to support me. It's nice. It took a long time to build--I've been working on it for ten years.

The thing that blogging has mostly given me is a record of my progress. I can very clearly see how I have changed and grown over the past ten years. I am a different, much stronger person. Which is kind of weird to acknowledge because I feel like I am at just about the most unstable place of my adult life. Only I'm in the most stable period of my entire life. It's so weird.

Err, I'll explain that last bit. I'm a stay at home mom with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I have lived in this house for 6.5 years.

The next longest I have ever lived in one place was with my boyfriend from 19-23 for almost 4 years. Other than that I have never lived somewhere longer than 18 months and usually much shorter periods. I have moved somewhere between 60 and 70 times. I'm 31. So living in one house feels really weird and hard. I'm having a hard time emotionally... and I process it in my blog. :)

I write about everything. I write about my hobbies, my relationships, my past, my trauma, my cooking, my running, my sex life (I'm a big slut--well... I used to be. Monogamy is another weird new stable addition to my life).

I feel like I have reached the point of being a "grown up" but I don't know how that is supposed to look. I have never known long-term stable and happy people. So my life scares the shit out of me every second of every day. Any second this will all be ripped away from me because people will find out I'm a white trash whore and I don't deserve it.

So I write oceans of words about how I am feeling. And then I wear a really polite social mask I constructed from reading a lot of Austen and Bronte novels. I learned how to be excessively polite in person and I only "reveal" myself in writing.

It's weird. I feel so weird. But simply the act of being able to avoid all serious and hard topics when I see people makes me feel like I am "not a whiner" so I'm allowed to write what I want. I follow their stupid, mean ass social rules all the time so I get to write whatever I f*cking want. And if you don't like it, don't read it.

People tell me all the time that the difference between my writing and my in-person persona is startling. I feel weird about that. I'm just not allowed to be as angry as I am. And I've learned how to bury it really deep. It's really hard. :(

But I take a couple hours out of every day and I sit in my garage (I finished it into a really cool room with murals and sparkly lights and a full size palm tree bookcase--I'm telling you... my garage is bad ass) and I cry and I rage and I pour my soul onto the internet.

That's how I release my stress and am able to function the rest of the time. I've tried not writing. I start being unable to control the fact that I am shaking all the time from stress and I have breakthrough crying and I blurt inappropriate things at inappropriate times. It's really bad for me.

I write. It's not whining. It's existential angsting. There is a fine old tradition of that. :)

 

[Tanishq]

if you don't like it, don't read it.

I think this is why people try to twist your mind and so you can please them. Bad people.

 

[aka]

You're making excuse to avoid something.

Yeah I know still working on breaking the habit of avoiding anything I don't want to deal with. Avoiding the issue is just so much easier.:mad:


I understand. I have been there,too. It is most difficult thing. You keep feeling that you are the one who is doing everything for friendship and you end up feeling drained with yourself. It doesn't help and in the end it makes you feel bad. I am sorry you had this kind of friendships. But you can stop repeating it. Just learn the mistake you made, correct it and find new people. Don't repeat that mistake and don't blame yourself for your past,too. So it doesn't keep reminding you that you had bad and one sided friendships before.[/quote]

I know now that these were not true friendships and that I should let the past go.The biggest problem I am having is that I not only had bad relationships with kids my age I also had crazy adults that reenforced the relationship. An example that is pretty ingrained in my memory is when I was probable not even ten. I refused to play with a girl I knew from school because she was being really bossy. (Sided note we were waiting for post sermon lunch at church.) This is one of the few times I remember sticking up of myself and this story should have stopped there but it doesn't. Not to much later I see her mother coming up to me and she precedes to back me into a corner of the wall gets right in my face and reams me for not playing with her daughter. I can see now that this was very wrong but as a kid I was always reacting to my environment and trying to keep out of "trouble". I learned boundaries by using basic cause and effect reasoning. Such as

Cause: I expressed myself by not tolerating the girls behavior
Effect: Get reamed by a very intimidating adult
Conclusion: Perhaps expressing myself was a bad idea
Sigh, no wonder I'm messed up :arghh;



Just be gentle on yourself like we all forum members are on you. :)[/quote]

Thanks I really am trying not to be so hard on myself.

 

[Lady Vet]

Wow! What an awesome thread! I can relate to much of what is written here.

What always bothers me, is when certain friends ask me how I'm doing, and I will be honest. Not a long pull-up-a-chair-and-have-a-cup-of-coffee honest, but an honest answer. And the response is some kind of statement about learning to think positively, rather than focus on all of the negative all of the time. And I am thinking to myself, "Then why did you bother to ask me how I am if you didn't really want to know?" lol...

But beyond that, it's offensive to me personally that the short and simple truth about my life is interpretted as "negative" when it just is what it is to me. I'm not wailing and whining when I speak the words....they're cut and dry, straight to the point, yet I'm the one who's negative? lol...so I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't :)

Love this thread, though...so much more to process from what I've read here :)

 

[Tanishq]

Yeah I know still working on breaking the habit of avoiding anything I don't want to deal with. Avoiding the issue is just so much easier.:mad:

Hello aka. I was not telling you that you're making excuse. I have explained the meaning of whining and whining is something which is very negative. You're being positive and trying to do something right. :)

Aka you are "not" making excuses. I want to make this clear. I am sorry if I gave you bad interpretation or failed to put it right while explaining the meaning of whining.

I have had bossy connections, but I was lucky enough to get rid of them. I never like such people who act up like they are the boss - deal with them.

Cause: I expressed myself by not tolerating the girls behavior Effect: Get reamed by a very intimidating adult Conclusion: Perhaps expressing myself was a bad idea Sigh, no wonder I'm messed up :arghh;

I have some thing in my mind like this. Yes, It's hard to break them off. But know we can break this off and can have true relationships in our life.

I have reached to those kind of conclusions many times where I would think whatever I did was my mistake and I acted bad. But neither I was wrong nor bad. I was alright. It was just their projection of their own issues and their fault.

I have learned most people avoid some serious issues. They think avoiding issue is much easier. I don't like to be friend with this kind of people. It gives me impression if they are avoiding serious thing right now, what they would be doing when that happens to them. Avoiding or running out of issue does sound like coward act to me.

Hope you're feeling well. :)

 

[Tanishq]

"Then why did you bother to ask me how I am if you didn't really want to know?"

This year I stopped answering such questions. My all family members do this every time they ask. First they will ask, then will do uhum, yes. Then they will show they are not interested in you because you're in some big trouble or having bigger issue.

Lady Vet, I want to tell you. Never bother to answer them. Just skip the question. I do this because I know they really don't want to know or in procedure to make them look well.

Sometimes I get vibes from them like,"look I care about you. But what can I do if you're in trouble".

I don't care when I skip their question. I don't care if their ego feels spoiled. I care those who ask me with sincerity and really is from them.

 

[aka]

Hello aka. I was not telling you that you're making excuse. I have explained the meaning of whining and whining is something which is very negative. You're being positive and trying to do something right. :)

Thanks, positive is sometimes hard to achieve.

I have some thing in my mind like this. Yes, It's hard to break them off. But know we can break this off and can have true relationships in our life.

I think we have a miss understanding, most of these friendships were severed when the scandal of the abuse came out (about age 12). At that point I was no longer interested in interacting with anyone so my mother home-schooled me until college and what ever friendships I had in that time period went there own way. I am just now trying to reach out to make friends but with no good experience in interaction in a social setting it makes it hard to connect and express my option.

Hope you're feeling well. :)

Thanks:)

 

[anni]

Existential angsting, NOT whining. HOLY heck, you need to stick around.

There's a bumper sticker if I ever, ever saw one. You'll make MILLIONS, I tell, you MILLIONS muahahahahaha!

Sorry, opportunist porn, lost sight of the thread for a second.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Were you heard as a kid? When you did talk, were your feelings validated or dismissed?

I hope you are able to find the balance that gives you the ability to express your feeling without leaving you feeling like it was wrong. You deserve to be able to say, "I feel bad today," and not feel guilty.

Honestly as a child they were acknowledged. When I hit 15 and that's when I had serious medical issues start that's when my feelings took a backseat. I suppose I need to give some background to make it more understandable. At 15 I had shingles in my inner ear (which is a viral infection), bells palsy (facial paralysis), as well a a weak immunes system. However the doctors didn't KNOW that at the time. All they knew was that I couldn't walk anymore (nerve damage from the shingles to the equilibrium) and that I was on the verge of passing out any time I moved. And I was just weak on the whole. My vitals were terrible.

In that situation any time I voiced any kind of feeling or emotion it was completely ignored. My feelings were inconsequential. And I eventually went into shock anyhow so I was numb emotionally for the most part as well. My life had no place for emotions. They asked "Did you black out from pain?" Never how are you feeling?

Because like I said. No one knew what was wrong with me physically. I was told I was going to die at one point. But then a few months later they retracted that. But in anycase anytime I said "No. I don't want to have that procedure." Or "No I don't want to go to the doctor." My wishes and were completely dismissed. And I was forced to undergo medical procedures and go from dr to dr to dr. I was a minor. Legally I had no say. So when I said no my parents would lecture me telling me how wrong I was. It needed to be done whether I wanted it or not. Or they'd somehow guilt me into it.

And anytime I expressed I was upset emotionally about being in physical pain I'd get "Don't be upset. You have a great family who's taking care of you. You're lucky." Or "Don't complain there's always someone worse off then you" Or, and this is the most common respense "You're not feeling well? We're going to the Doctor then."

I can't express to you how much time I spent at the hospital or with doctors. I was 15 and I rarely saw anyone my own age. Barely I ever went to school. A school which was threatening to kick me out because of my absences (it was a private school). So when I did go to school it was only to do work. Never to socialize.

And when a friend asked how was I feeling? If I told them the truth ... I'd get a blank stare then the topic would be changed. Not that I blamed them. What could they have possibly said anyway?

Emotions.... expressing them? They were pointless. There was no place for them. For years as my health further declined it was just more evident that everyone was more concerned with my body than my mind. And I numbly accepted that.

Then I got better at 18. Only to find out at 19 that I had bone degeneration in my jaw and I needed jaw reconstruction. So the process began again. Emotions were pointless when I wasn't capable of opening my mouth or even talking. I more mumbled than anything. The jaw got better a little before I turned 22.

I suppose thinking on it... with what everyone has said... that when I express how I feel... it just FEELS like complaining? Because whenever I expressed how I felt it got written off for more important matters. So.... my feelings were... belittled? For years?

I'm sorry you're going to have to work with me. Does that sound right? I never really thought of it that way before. Because I really do believe that feelings were inconsequential at the time too. What were feelings compared to my life?

 

[Philippa]

I've gotten kicked off forums for simply venting about a bad day I had. These people were very into Personal development and perceived just letting off steam and venting as being the same as complaining, even though I had managed to solve the issue I was having from being able to get it out of me and look at it.

I think it's a result of how repressed our culture is. No one wants to be perceived this way, and they've never been allowed to themselves, so they don't let anyone else express anything that isn't "positive". If you do, your feelings are instantly invalidated and dismissed and you are then shamed for not just keeping it all in.

I don't know how anyone can expect to not have an unhealthy society with that attitude?

Of course it can get out of hand, and if someone is always complaining then it isn't fun to be around...but you can also just let them express their negativity. After all, it is part of being human to be negative sometimes. I just find it all really unhealthy...and there is no escape from this. No one will just let you vent.

That's why places like this and good friends who do, are such a blessing.

 

[99Phoenix99]

It is just my opinion but I think complaining is talking about the problem only and not doing anything about changing the situation. It is victim thinking, waiting for something to magically fix the problem. Espressing yourself is for the purpose of addressing a situation where the intention is to fix it, get advise on how to deal with it and get support for it.

Thank you gizmo. It's definitely a start in differentiating the two.

And no, you're not complaining, please do know that. Of course not, you're feeling dreadful, plus sad, saying so, who would not?

That really helps. Thank you. It's so hard to tell... I'm really having a hard time with this. I can easily share and express what I like but when it comes to things that trouble me... I just internalize it. And sharing like this is... is new and scary. And I have this constant feeling like I'm going to be reprimanded for it.

Oh, and I think it probably is not at all helpful that we recognize when people ARE whining and manipulating for real and it's kind of 'iew' to watch, isn't it? Not wishing to be thought one of 'Them' adds to the disinclination to even say 'ouch', for me, anyway

This ... I can definitely relate to. I'd rather not say a word than be considered one of "them".




Also I'd just like to saw Wow. I never expected so many replies! I'm sorry I haven't been able to keep up and reply until now but I'm really interested in everything everyone's had to say. It's a lot to all take in so it may take a while to process. But everyone's input really means a lot to me. You've given me so much to think about, which is invaluable. Thank you all!

 

[anni]

It's nice, isn't it Phoenix? I didn't notice how long you've been here, but please don't ever, ever worry about kind of 'getting back' to a post, or feel you HAVEE to reply or there are nameless hoards out here ready to do dreadful things involving peanut butter and mini-marshmallows to an effigy of yourself ( replacing the whole 'tar and feather' specter of days gone by ). It took me some years before this dawned on me, personally. Even in the likely event you're a tad brighter than me, and motivated by sheer politeness, I think I'm saying please don't worry about it. :)