Can Two Divergent Worlds Be Bridged?

[Lady Vet]

expecting people to understand is setting myself up for failure and hurt.

Yes, I suppose that's true. To set the bar with the expectation that people won't understand then also means that we can be pleasantly surprised when/if someone does :) But it sure seems like a terrible way to move through the world...to expect that people won't/can't understand. Don't get me wrong, I think you are absolutely right, but it still seems like a terrible way for us, ALL of us, to walk with this. Every human being needs to feel valued and appreciated for who we are and the unique contribution we each make, so it just seems like basic understanding and acceptance of how we are affected by PTSD is part of that. But I need to adjust my belief system on that level, too.

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your words :)

 

[Abstract]

I am no longer willing to die inside just so that other people are comfortable! I feel nauseated when I find myself forcing my dark truth back down into the box of silent shame!

Lady Vet,
I relate a lot. But I must say I have not tried to tell anyone. I am extremely private and very guarded about sharing and not being heard. I would rather not try. I also don't want to tarnish those innocents lives with my stuff. I don't resent others and almost envy them even though they seem like a different specie to me. And I am still pretending it isn't true so telling others and breaking through from the one world to the next seems very threatening.

But pretending to be normal and be perky and fine and loving is not something I can do any more. It costs too much. I have done it for the longest time and now I am done. So much of that has been to make others comfortable and for them not to feel rejected. And I guess some of it was a type of protection of my ego. So I have whittled away almost all from my life. Some literally and some in less obvious ways. I try to just manage what people are able to give and what I can cope with and that helps a lot. I am as loving and connected as I can be without harming myself too much.

I worry I will regret this narrowing of my social life at some time but at the same time I just can't do it any more. It is such a relief to be on here and drop the farce.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I understand your anger and I've felt it before too. But, recently I've felt much better about keeping my PTSD to myself. Here's what's changed.

I decided that people communicate with each other for a purpose. Others accept emotional input from people when it is relevant to the present time, but after that they want to know why you're telling them. Is there something you want them to do about it? Is there something you could do about it, if only you had the right advice? Do you want sympathy? Are you expecting to be treated differently? These are the things people think of when they're told about painful experiences, IMHO.

So, I wonder to myself... do I want them trying to solve my symptoms for me? No. I don't want to be treated differently than other people because that strains my relationships. People have to consider all my nuances before speaking, and that's a lot of work - and they'll tire of having me around. People glance sideways at me if they know something is a trigger for me. It's not mean, they care... and they want to see how I'm affected, if I'm okay, if I'm going to explode or whatever. So, I don't want them knowing more triggers than they figure out by interacting with me. It wouldn't matter if they knew WHY I get angry over X, or that it's justified, because the end result would still be the same. They would still look at me when they think something is a trigger for me. Ugh, that's embarrassing.

I think this all comes down to boundaries. For me, it's all about realizing that the level of intimacy that I'm used to and want from my relationships is codependent. It's not healthy, nor is it possible for anyone to know me as well as I feel like they do when we've bonded so deeply. They are still outside of me, other than me, different people... and they have their own thoughts about our experiences which sometimes differ from mine. The good thing about this is that accepting that they're different helps me accept that I am different. I don't have to be a clone of anyone to assert my opinions, respect myself, be proud of who I am, and make my own choices. When I think life is too overwhelming, I think about those four self empowering principles and suddenly the weight of the world lifts off my shoulders. If I can give that to myself, then I can survive whatever negative I fear will take place in my social circle.

It was a painful grieving process when I started changing my core belief on what to expect from others, but it empowered me to expect myself to understand others less and understand myself more. I am my own best friend, confidant, rock. It can be lonely, but then I turn my focus toward others and see that they want the support that I want, and supporting them feels like I'm getting support too. It's weird how that helps me as much as it does those I'm offering support to.

I hope this helps you better perceive your decision to choose with whom you will share your different life experiences. There are topics which I do not discuss here, at all. I don't share them because they would be too telling about my identity. You don't have to hide the PTSD and trauma in a shameful box when you're out in public. Instead, you protect yourself and you honor yourself by choosing to share it with people who are safe and have the capacity to understand and give validation. It is a self-loving choice, IMHO.

 

[Shellbell]

but it still seems like a terrible way for us, ALL of us, to walk with this. Every human being needs to feel valued and appreciated for who we are and the unique contribution we each make, so it just seems like basic understanding and acceptance of how we are affected by PTSD is part of that. But I need to adjust my belief system on that level, too.

To me it has been quite the opposite, the friends who truly care, but even so don't understand, are still my friends and we still are able to have friendship relationships with. I just don't expect them to truly understand, as this is setting the bar way too high for them. I have carefully let people know the ways in which I do need help and support and they have come through with this, which is wonderful. They do value and appreciate me to their own understanding, as I do them. If I take my high demands off them and myself, things are so much easier.

I think we can let this knowledge of people not being able to truly understand to be a negative, or actually be a positive :)

 

[Lady Vet]

I am extremely private and very guarded about sharing and not being heard.

I, too, am a very private person, so (for me) it's not really so much about sharing of all the gorey details, because I don't want to "tarnish" people, either. It's just that there is so much about what's real for me that doesn't get to be part of social relationships. For some people, even just expressing that I have/suffer with PTSD is very clearly too much for them! So how do I be real and authentic when I can't even share about what my day is like? I don't have good answers to this yet, but I am looking for better ways to answer it than stuffing myself into tiny boxes.

It is such a relief to be on here and drop the farce.

I have only found this forum about a week ago, so I am only now able to feel the difference. I didn't even realize how much I "pretend" to be OK, until I started feeling myself change when I would move from this forum back out into the world. I think it's a lot like what they say about a fish not being able to know that it's in water until it jumps out for the first time. That's what's happened to me. This forum allowed me to jump out of the world where I have been forcing myself into tiny little boxes of "socially acceptable feelings." I didn't even realize how much of a farce I have been living until I could FEEL the difference.

Thank you so very much for participating in this wonderful conversation :)

 

[Lady Vet]

It was a painful grieving process when I started changing my core belief on what to expect from others, but it empowered me to expect myself to understand others less and understand myself more.

Dear Muzikluvr,

Thank you for responding to this thread, and for sharing what is clearly a long and painful journey with this issue, too. I resonated with much of what you said, but I think the key (for me) is to have some long conversations with myself about what I DO expect from others. And even, perhaps, what I want from others beyond what I expect. These are not easy questions to ask, but I can see that I need to understand that before I can understand why I feel so aggitated when someone can't be there for me the way that I think I need/want them to be. Again, thank you :)

 

[Lady Vet]

If I take my high demands off them and myself, things are so much easier.

This really jumped out and bit my nose :) because I am the one who is setting this expectation or demand, so it's up to me, not them, to change that. I have lots of work to do...lol. Thank you :)

 

[Abstract]

Lady Vet,
I think being in pain and alone is a very painful feeling. For me it reminds me of not such good times too. I have thought about it and maybe if I was not in such pain and having the past intrude on me then maybe this whole issue would not be so loaded for me. Maybe it would be easier to risk letting people in. Maybe it would be easier to accept that others won't understand.

Speaking about anything related to the past and this stuff always is very frightening as speaking and not being heard or asking and not getting feels too painful.

I think part of reliving the past brings with it feelings that we are not being helped or heard "now". Or it does for me anyway. And I need to thank you as that is the first time I have been able to verbalise something that has been been niggling at me.

 

[Lady Vet]

I think part of reliving the past brings with it feelings that we are not being helped or heard "now".

This feels really important, and I think it's probably happening for me, as well. I think a lot of the intensity that I'm feeling over this issue is more about how invalidated and unheard I felt at the time of the trauma event(s). Today's intensity is a thread that goes very deep beneath the surface. It's also about what's happening now, but the intensity is absolutely fueled by this long history I have with trauma happening with no one to hear my cries.

Wow...typing that truth tapped right down into the tears.

And I am so very glad that this thread was able to help us both, Abstract :) Whatever it takes to help that stuff come up to the surface is a good thing :) You have also helped me to be able to verbalize something that has been working its way up in me, too :) I love this forum <3

 

[Shellbell]

I love these great threads and posts that really help people with similar struggles. I have learned so much from the forum and all the wonderful survivors here.

(((((((Group Hug))))))) :inlove:

 

[Abstract]

Group hug from me too with you and everyone in it Shellbell (((( :inlove: )))

Ladyvet,
It feels like I have been silently screaming my whole life without realising it. I hope that doesn't sound too dramatic but I am afraid it feels the right way to describe it. It is very painful isn't it? I am sorry it feels so intense and understand that feeling where I know my emotions seem a little overly intense. Except they aren't of course. They (yours/mine) are just a bit out of context but extremely legitimate and understandable. :hug:

 

[Lady Vet]

It feels like I have been silently screaming my whole life without realising it.

Abstract...this doesn't sound too dramatic at all. In fact, I think it is absolute perfect description about my own life, too. That's what it's been...silently screaming without even realizing it. I just had an image that lends itself to a lot of comic scenarios, but the gag about being in a very noisy place, like a hocky game or something, and the two people are having to yell even when they're sitting right next to each other, but at that moment when they say something very odd or something, the noise suddenly falls away so that they end up screaming this odd thing...lol. So it makes me wonder what's been so loud (inside of me) that I haven't been able to hear that screaming? I guess we realize it when we finally hear it, and thank god for that! This has all been so helpful, even if it is painful to look at.